I’m Still Here: Catching Up

As everyone probably may have noticed, I haven’t been posting all my usual nonsense, stories and pictures. Not even my quick studies of the Havamal has made an appearance. I have a few stolen minutes to myself right now and decided that I am going to use them wisely.

I think the last major post I wrote was about the camp out with other kindreds and pagans a few weeks back. I also expressed my feelings towards a certain individual and his views that he also wrote in an article. Now, I did want to quit all together being an initiate to the kindred but decided that person’s views, whatever they may be about ‘newbies’ is something that isn’t really hurting me but rather showing his true character.

Then there was the job interview. I nailed the phone and the first interview and made it to the second interview. I must have done or said something that made me completely BOMB it. I had plans that Friday to head out of town for the camping trip and made special arrangments so I could make the interview. WEEKS later I got a letter in the mail informing me that I didn’t get the job. This could’ve been summed up in an email or even a voicemail. I left the interview knowing that I didn’t get the job…it was a feeling which I completely nailed (always trust your instincts y’all). That night, heading out to the camping destination, not getting the job was the topic of most of my conversations. I felt like no one was going to EVER hire me until I got a FB message from a friend. He’s opening a tattoo shop and wanted to know if I wanted an apprenticeship. I nearly screamed everyone out of the car! I have always wanted to tattoo and he’s going to give me a chance to learn and become a tattoo artist. A dream I’ve had since I was young. I grew up in tattoo shops and my dad always said that I would make a great tattoo artist. I will need to figure out some scheduling issues but I’m all in!

I also have a friend. I know that sounds childish to say but she is awesome and from the kindred. She doesn’t judge and has been coming over to the house almost every weekend to hang out and paint. We talk and text. For those that have been reading my blog understand that I don’t have friends or like being sociable. Baby steps, right? We have been practicing acrylic pour paintings and I have even worked out a deal to have a gallery wall at the local coffee shop to see if any of them will sell. She’s a much needed positive influence that is also creative helping me to keep going.

And then there are my newest members of my family. The kids are growing up so fast and one already has one foot out the door. I never understood what empty nest meant until the kiddos started to plan their lives. I’m super happy for them but also incredibly sad because they aren’t going to need me anymore or have my watchful eye. UGH! So the ball python is Delphi. She isn’t eating for me yet and growing a little concerned but going to give it another week and try again. The other little guy is a leopard gecko which I think will also turn into a breeding project. I think it’s a male but need to wait for him to get a little older before I’m 100% sure. When I have his/her gender that’s when I’ll give it a name. He’s so fun to watch!

I think I’ve gotten all caught up on the MAJOR news in my life or what is important to me (that I can remember). I have massive emails to catch up on, editing and posting pictures, and writing. I didn’t exactly understand what the overtime was doing to my schedule but stolen moments can be utilized. My time is up for the night so happy Monday Y’all! This felt good 🙂

Once Bitten

Yesterday I opened my email and seen that the job posting site I use recommended two jobs. Still, a little shaken (you know the whole once bitten, twice shy scenario) I reluctantly clicked the ‘apply’ button. Then I started remembering my interaction with the last interviewer. I remember feeling like I was less than the person interviewing me. Was I imagining it? Probably. But there was this air around her that she thought she was better than me because she was interviewing me. Her actions, the way she acted bored, how she didn’t shake my hand. All in my head? Maybe. But this is what I do. I overthink EVERYTHING about ANYTHING. It’s like a piece of gum. I chew all the flavor out of it then make everything worse by sticking it in my hair.

My interview is next week. I’m going to dress comfortable but not so casual that I look like I’m just going to the mailbox. I’m going to try and make it as comfortable for me to sit there. I’m going to remember that Facebook ads can only be 20% text and I’m going to remember what a damn pixel is. I’m going to be confident and I’m going to be me. I think my problem was last time was I was pretending to be someone like my interviewer. I’m not better than anyone else. The last interviewer felt cold and decided when first meeting me that she didn’t like me. Still, probably all in my head.

So, YAY! Friday! YAY! Interview. The weekend is going to be full of class work and planning (looks like we have snow moving in meaning I’m not leaving my house). Happy Friday everyone!

6 Word Story: 7/17

Hands are simply appendages that extend our actions and feelings in a physical form. If you want to know what a person’s life was like just pay attention to their hands. Did they save lives? Did they have a physical job? Are they married? Are they artists or writers?


Prompt Word: Hands

May 18th

I haven’t done a journal entry in a while. Today I woke up and took my walk and instead of telling myself that all the hard work will pay off it came out, ‘what the hell’s the point?’ I was being awful to myself. Getting to work, drinking coffee, and completing my daily tasks then my nemesis came into the art room. Believe me when I say I would much rather eat glass then help her with ANYTHING but that’s not being an adult (which is a BS by the way) so I helped her.

Having to deal with that and already being hard on myself I decided to take the rest of the day off. I SO wanted to come home and lay in bed. I pulled into the driveway and even headed to my room when I remembered that I needed another watercolor journal. I couldn’t do tonight’s challenge without one. Do I go to bed and fall into the depressive state that my mind needed or shop for my journal that my soul needed?

Next thing I know I’m in the art supply store. I felt better with my journal in hand but was stopped by a sale on a travel case of Winsor & Newton cake palette of 14. ‘You can’t afford to travel anywhere why in the hell do you need those?!’ That’s what I heard in my head. Then I told myself I don’t need to travel far just get out and paint. I am now the proud owner of new travel paints and smaller travel book (50% off I wasn’t going to pass).

Got home, cleaned up, cooked dinner, and got an amazing surprise. A fellow blogger honored me with, ‘Nice job, you’ve obtained this week’s GOLD badge!’ Talk about the boost I needed to keep going this afternoon. Matthew over at Normal Happenings is the positive breath of fresh air that I needed. Wander through his proverbial blog stacks and get lost. He’s also a fellow graphic designer which explains my draw to his newspaper style font.

I still feel like I want to crawl into bed and that’s ok too. I’m not pretending that everything is fine but I know that things will get better. Have a great evening ya’ll.

PAIN-ting

To make a long story short (which is difficult being both southern and Irish) I was placed on the floor at work today. Being that my back is killing me so much so that I’m dependent on the meeting pad,  it’s difficult to paint, sketch,  and write. Hopefully tomorrow not only can I go to work but also resume my artistic expressions. P.S. I don’t like doing this from my phone. Have a great night everyone.

Quote of the Day

I’m only here for the food…and I’m on a diet!

I said this today because too many people were asking me to do so many things when I only have two hands. My anxiety was through the roof by 7:30 am this morning and I had to make a point. Part of the quote came from a movie, ‘Ever After’ and I still enjoy watching it.

March 10th, 2018

It’s been a hell of a week. I can take the stress of deadlines and last minute projects because they are few and far between until this past week. On a good work week, my workload will average between 20 and 40 color-up requests. That does not include getting orders ready to be printed. This week I managed 152 color-up requests, an emergency banner (that needed to be completed within 8 hours to make the printer deadline) and an emergency handout that needed to be printed and ready to go within 24 hours. Then there was the imprint work for uniforms, approval forms, and they also needed me on the floor to help print.

Understand, I was a blue collar worker before my graphic design job. I was raised by a roughneck oil field worker. He taught me that nothing in this world is free and if I want something I have to work for it. So, I worked hard in college while working two jobs, three kids, a house to run then a divorce from my abuser. I maintained a 4.0 GPA and paid my dues. I worked odd design jobs and internships before landing where I am today. So when they asked me to go on the floor I did just that. I left the floor when I saw that the employees that were supposed to be too busy to print were talking, laughing, drinking coffee and checking phones. I refused to be used like that. I cranked out my order of 160 and went back to cave. There I was met with more work 15 minutes before I was to clock out and leave for the weekend. I decided that I would take my time. I was mentally exhausted to the point I had a headache, eyes were aching, 3 major panic attacks, one crying meltdown, and physical exhaustion. It took everything I had to write my short stories and doodle.

My husband listened to what was going on which helped a lot. He encouraged me to write more after telling him about submissions and what I wanted to do and what I am doing. I realized work was the reason why I was in a funk. I’m looking forward to this weekend. I will be doing some much-needed self-care. I will write, paint, read, and rest.

Random Thread

I feel like I’m barely holding on but by a thread. My only solace today was my 15-minute doodle time which I took waiting for my babies to get out of school.  The whole crap day will probably be a journal post. I’m just waiting for the final outcome.


Random Word: Thread

6 Word Story: 2/12

I kind of like the fact that this prompt comes on a Monday. It seems only fitting (in my mind). I thought I would wake up and tackle the day starting with my writing.


Prompt Word: Small Reminders

Clothes chose, lunch packed, snoozed alarm.

February 8th into the 9th

I started this post at 11:30 tonight as I needed time to myself to get certain thoughts and ideas out of the way or in the way. I have been reading every day and last night I finished ‘Cinder’. I want to go to the next book in the series but since my book list is extensive for me to even attempt for this year I, not possible. As I stated before that I will read the first book in the series and then make notes and move to the next on my list. When I have completed my list I will then go back and start the next in the series.

My husband set up a table in the dining area and I have my laptop, art supplies, notebooks, charging station and all that good stuff set up. I kind of feel bad that I haven’t used it much this week but it’s been rough.

Work

So for the past few months and more recently the past couple of weeks ‘Bob’ the guy that I work with has been really oppressive, entitled, and really hates the fact that I’m a female with certain knowledge that he doesn’t possess which leads to him pushing the fact that he is a man and is always right with me. I know what a brow beater is and I know what gaslighting is…I was married to it for years. I also know that I’m not his personal secretary. The straw that broke ‘my’ back was his friend, another colleague had asked me to do some artwork for him for a shirt. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he was taking my art to another company to finish his product and not with ours. I told him how much I charge an hour and to sum it up, my talent is worth the fee but I still need to do it. WTF!? I left crying from all the stress from those two men. I couldn’t enjoy being home or my kids.

The next day I went to work and waited for about two hours before approaching my managing supervisor. He listened…now whether or not I’ll be fired is still up in the air because we all know how that situation ends. The man is always right…from my experience and how many times I was let down by law enforcement seeking safety and justice from my ex. So that is to be continued as the two men have a different supervisor and so there was a meeting of the supervisors (also men) and I’m feeling pretty confident that I’m going to be ‘let go’ for some oddball reason. Back up plan you ask? Not a fucking clue. I could freelance, I could try to find another job in my field, or I could just hide in my closet.

My Goals

Even though this week has been absolutely horrid here are the things that I have completed: Finished a book, did some sketching, kept up with my short fiction stories (barely) took a shower. All of those are accomplishments no matter how small. I sketched my character out (I want to start a comic journal of sorts. I need to work on simplifying my character and sketch my puppy a character fitting to her.) and hope to include her on my blog. I also have been keeping up with my reading journal. My thoughts on Cinder: I couldn’t read it fast enough, well written, very freakin’ creative, used it as a great escape from my reality, and guessed who the main character really was. My shower was cleansing in more ways than one. I was able to cry out some bottled feelings and I almost feel like myself again. My next book is either going to be Macbeth or one of the longer ones. Something that will take me more than a week to read and more difficult. I am proud of myself for refusing to get an audiobook and a pack of cigarettes. Now if only I could lose some of this weight.

Like most things in my life…to be continued.

 

 

January 25th, 2018

Work

Today’s mantra, “I love my job, I love my job, violence is unacceptable.” I know that sounded bad but it was a really bad day at work yesterday. These are the thoughts I had after I had a helicopter employee treat me like his personal mule and he’s the only that deserved to have work completed. There are literally 7 other people (with his same title) that need work done. This isn’t including the ones that need help with other art. Thoughts:

  • I’m not a good person, I don’t pretend to be.
  • Please let me do what I know – my job.
  • I have been working in these programs for over 7 years, in this job for over two, please go away so I can do my job!
  • Please don’t patronize me.
  • I can see through your BS!
  • Compliments get you now where.
  • Policy is within 24hrs for artwork…this is only hour 5.
  • You want me to work faster? Have them send the jersey for me to replicate.
  • Why are you in here again!
  • I NEED CARBS!
  • Why are you in here AGAIN!!!!
  • I NEED A CIGARETTE!
    (This is said out loud) I will have it finished for you at the end of the day.
    Having project done-emailed an edit-he isn’t confident with what he’s asking-asks someone else…
  • You should have listened to me the first time.

So I haven’t had a cigarette since the 14th but with the anxiety it was almost too much. I went into an anxiety attack and needed to take a ½ a Xanax. I get here this morning and the day was going great until I received and email from this employee needing and edit and I felt my chest tighten. Completed the edits and now I sit here and wait. I am aware of people, their mannerisms, and how they speak. He is a brow beater but does it in such a manipulative way that they don’t see it. There are 3 other women that have been treated like this and see him for what he is. I’m really hoping he doesn’t last long with all the mistakes that he is making and money he’s costing the company. Please let this day go by without an encounter with him.

Adventures-DOGS

Ok, here’s what is going on with Clover’s, Dublin’s, and now Bailey’s training…EVERYTHING is going on! SO-it only seems fitting that it is now dubbed,’Adventure-DOGS’. We have a lot going on but the money, time, and training is worth it.

Clover

Her final class of OBEDIENCE 1 was last week. She was supposed to ease into the next phase but it would only be her. Her training and I both believe that clover needs to be around other dogs to become acquainted better with training around other dogs and other people. Face it, she is going to have to complete all commands out in public. She is smart, I’ll giver her that. I need to focus my energy on working with her more outside the home. Her classes will pick up September 27th-every other week. I think this is doable. I need to make more of a commitment to her training on my part. How else is she going to get through this.

Dublin

Dublin had his first evaluation and training a couple of weeks ago on a Friday. She came to the house to meet him and the rest of his pack. We discussed his feeding schedule to his interaction with other people. We learned that most of what is happening is his anxiety that turns into aggression because he doesn’t know where to take his feelings. First things first, we had to take his ego down a notch. He is now on a feeding schedule. Once in the morning and once in the evening. He is no longer allowed to sleep upstairs with his mama (my daughter), no longer allowed on the couch AND has to earn his lovings. This is a picture of him AFTER he threw a pitbull sized tantrum and then tried taking the blanket from my daughter. When I say tantrum-he tore through bags that were packed for overnight camping trips, took things off the tables, running through the house like a bull in a china cabinet-just about anything he could do to get attention. So yeah, the house was a mess. He is now on a supplement to help calm him. We also purchased his clicker, calming spray, special blanket for a portable safe spot, Baskerville muzzle (this allows him to eat, breath and even take treats) and we bought special toys to encourage play time. He is doing wonderful with his clicker and play time. He didn’t really care that he was on a strict feeding schedule (which we changed his diet as recommended as well) but it’s the bedtime that he doesn’t care for. Well, truth be told-neither does my daughter. We have noticed a calmer pup and starting to get more into the roll of being a dog and not one of the humans.

Bailey

Then there’s Bailey. Bless her little heart. Dublin’s trainer suggested that she attend a puppy play date. The way I thought it would go was that she would go and play with a small group of diverse pups. Small group was actually a LARGE group. She was growling and snapping at certain pups. Mainly two little dogs that were snippy, you know the one’s with little man syndrome. She was segregated from the group a couple of times so she could regroup and when let back out into the arena she would do great but would get swamped and would need to be placed back in there. All we could thinks was, ‘OH NO! Not again’. We were proven wrong when she had her vet appointment this past Thursday. She had no problem meeting all the old women there but also NOT a problem one with the dog. The cat on the other hand was not having Bailey anywhere near her. I think this little girl will do great!


So, hopefully I can post weekly updates about our pack and their journey through learning and training.

August 12th, 2017

Still Here

Yup, still here and still just as scattered brained and anxiety ridden as usual. So much has happened-even since I posted my last journal entry. It’s been so long I am not even sure what to highlight and write about. Let’s start with jobs. I still work both the bar and as a graphic designer (for a company). Let’s face it, the bar business is failing in the small town I work in. BUT it doesn’t help when the owner is not only not helping with anything with the business but shows up once a week to collect money but also bad mouthing his bar and the bartenders. Meat raffles that I put together are getting bigger and bigger and I actually need to enlist the help of the bar manager. Second job as a graphic designer for a small company. We are all feeling unappreciated and used since the wage freeze happened. Morale is down and people are getting snippy with one another. There is nothing I can do about that only to put inspirational or comical printed signs on our art room door. The girls seem to appreciate it. I see them worrying about job security, making ends meet, and being bullied into working harder-faster but met with no incentives. An email went out from our CSR Manager and one of the lines in the email, “As with everyone in world, what have you done for me lately, and what can you do for me now.” I only got this email because I have an actual computer based job. I’m so glad the girls that work hard everyday didn’t read that. I really believe it could’ve started a mutiny.

Training for the dogs is going great, slow but great but that is for a different post.

Cooking, thankfully my daughter has stepped in and helped with the Blue Apron meals that are delivered.

Writing courses have come to a temporary halt. I’m that effing busy! The kids start school soon, and there was summer school for my little guy (they passed him to the third grade), training for the dogs (again another post), I actually took time to have my hair trimmed, vet appointments, and I still have to school clothes/supply shop for all three kids.

Amidst all of what is going on, we have decided to take the kids to the caves. Something quite not local but not a trip that requires an overnight stay anywhere. Pictures and a post will be coming soon after (we leave tomorrow).

So, I wanted to say I’m glad everyone is still with me. I’m still here.

Forgetful Meatballs

Let me tell you, this has been one hell of a busy week! Even though I had Monday and Tuesday off from my day job the long drive to go pick up the newest member of our pack seemed to suck all the life energy out of me. It’s hard for me to drive long distances with my anxiety so I was tired and scared I was going to get into a major wreck with all the holiday traffic 30 minutes in. Wednesday Clover and I had our first obedience class which made it a KFC night. Last night I forgot to pull anything out of the freezer for dinner the night before and had to run do laundry and I thought while the clothes were drying I would stop by the store and restock the fridge.

I hate being around a large group of people and couldn’t think straight. I grabbed frozen meatballs and sauces but no noodles! When I got home I realized my mistake. I was upset with myself. We had canned biscuits-so I thought a bubble up bake would work. Right?


So here it is:

  • 1 bag frozen meatballs (I grabbed the cheap Walmart unflavored kind)
  • 1 jar of spaghetti sauce
  • 1 jar of Alfredo sauce (I had this in the cupboard)
  • 1/2 bag of itialian cheese blend (leftover from brat cookout)
  • 1/2 bag of parmesan cheese (we keep because I like it on my toast in the mornings…I know weird)
  • garlic powder
  • onion powder
  • dried sage
  • dried basil
  • Cooking spray (becaise I knew this was going to stick)

I sprayed a casserole dish (I think it was a 9 by something. The dish was given to me) and covered the bottom with the raw chopped biscuits. I sprinkled the seasoning all over and then doused with the sauces and 1/2 of both the cheeses and stirred. Then I dumped the meatballs on top and pressed down because I wanted the biscuits to bubble up. DON’T DO WHAT I DID and covered with tinfoil! This made the cooking time longer. But I had the oven at 350°. Once I realized what was happening I uncovered and in 10 minutes it was nice and bubbly. I added the rest of the cheese and took out of the oven when it was melted. The family couldn’t wait for it to cool and dug right in! It was actually really good and filling. My son had seconds! Now today is Friday-the kids are cooking pancakes because I have to go to work after I take Dublin to the vet AFTER I get off from my day job.

July 2nd, 2017

I haven’t posted a journal entry in a while but I have been exploring the poetry side of words and it’s more therapeutic for me. I have found a profound way to express feelings of anger, remorse, shame, guilt, sadness etc…

Tonight I have to work the bar during the town’s 4th of July celebration and as usual in nervous. The loud sounds and belligerent drunks remind me of my abuser. You’ll never forget the smell of whiskey and gun powder our the sound of your life almost coming to halt. Nevermind the thoughts of your children growing up without a mother. So tonight will be difficult but my husband will be here with me to help me through the hours.

I would like to wish everyone a safe and happy 4th whether you’re out enjoying life or trying to survive the festivities like myself.

May 15th, 2017

Quick Week With Even Quicker Life Lessons

Last week really put my multitasking parenting skills to the test. All I wanted to do was write but in my life my family always comes first (and I wouldn’t have it any other way). Monday consisted of a sick little guy and a call into work. As a mom it makes one feel so helpless when the pain can’t be taken away by two hands. Having to be forced to watch and only try to make my boy comfortable was as horrible as it sounds. I decided to make it a mommy and son day including his favorite lunch of grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup. Then it was an evening concert for my oldest daughter’s choir. My husband took over making our son comfortable so I can attend a spring event that she has been practicing for months preparing her solo. She did great and looked awesome in a dress that she picked out without fighting her aunt and I.

The sadness slapped everyone in the face as we got home. Eating the take out leftovers from earlier my youngest daughter spit her food across the table, started crying, and making urgent phone calls. I asked her what was wrong. In the smallest almost non-audible whimper, ‘John killed himself.’ I changed his name as this grieving family is already receiving enough attention (negative and positive) throughout our Podunk, full of rednecks, town. My daughter would stick up for him as he came out as gay and even was asked to a dance before his death by another boy. The bullying both in person and through social media commenced. He decided on a permanent solution that I felt could have been a temporary situation if the school and parents had stepped in to discipline the bully children. My daughter was beside herself. She said that he would always reach out when his life was rough and she always had sound advice to give. She soon realized there will be no more late night calls, no more Snap Chats, no more Facebook meme wars, no more lunches together or walks to the park. No more him. My heart broke for her, I couldn’t take away the pain or help her find clarity in her mist of confusion. After many conversations throughout the week, she decided that she will NOT attend the memorial. She did not want to have a memory of him laying in a casket. She wanted to keep the memories of him laughing, helping others, playing outside, and dancing with the boy that asked him to the dance and the huge smile he had on his face under the sparkly Christmas lights in the gym. I’m proud of her for her decision and even more proud that she doesn’t have regrets.

Tuesday, another concert attend but this time for my grieving youngest daughter. It was a sorrowful band sitting in their chairs behind black stands as one of their own will no longer play. I’m proud of all of them for going on with brave faces. Wednesday, more conversations with my daughter and another box of tissues. A dinner date with a friend that I really didn’t want to go but already agreed without thinking that I do not have an easy out. I have friends but choose not to hangout with them. Doing this promises less anxiety and less awkward conversations that I would later play over and over in my head because I usually feel like I said or did something wrong and negative thoughts set in. Thursday was another dinner but this time with my pseudo daughter. She had to rush back from Florida due to the fact that no one would rent to her with having a pit bull. I hate bullshit stereotyping. I own two pits that are absolute babies. Before dinner with her I did have to run around shopping for items for the bar’s Mother’s Day raffle basket and drop that off at the bar to rush back JUST in time to meet her in my driveway. We ALL actually laughed and had a good time. My daughter said that she felt bad afterwards for being happy and I had to explain to her that it was OK to laugh, smile, eat, talk, and be happy. Friday, it was me going to both jobs and a call from my husband letting me know that he received a 3 day suspension. I didn’t freak out! I know! I think the medication is helping a great deal. Before my prescriptions I would have lost my shit and took out my stress and worries on him. That doesn’t help anyone. Saturday, errands, bike ride, and work. Sunday, Mother’s day. Breakfast (not on bed because I woke up early. I have no idea why) from the hands of my husband and no smoke alarms, Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (let’s just say the price of movies, popcorn, and soda, is HIGHWAY FREAKING ROBBERY!) and catching up on some much needed rest.

And now we are at Monday. Same old same old at my day job although I did enjoy the two older women that have been trying to get me fired admit that they were wrong to the supervisors and myself. Petty, you bet. Two years of this has made me hate waking up every morning and going to work. Two years of beating myself up. Two years of believing that I was not as good as I thought I was. These two women are friends so their opinion of me was just fuel for both of them to keep being the office bullies (yes, adults have them too).

I’m hoping for a less eventful week. I hope my daughter’s pain is less each day. I hope the family of the young boy will make peace with what is happening now and has happened. They are in my thoughts. Now I wonder do I stay home with my children and enroll them in an online school? I can’t shelter them from everything all the time. It hurts seeing them hurt and trying to find the words that will help with their grief. I was able to put into words some advice as suicidal thoughts have crept in my mind but the thought of my children helped me pull through.

If anyone you know or you yourself feel that there is no other but suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 of visit the website. There is help, and the most courageous act you can do is seek it out.

May 2, 2017

Hell of a Weekend…and Beginning of Week!

I posted yesterday about saying goodbye to a girl that is more like my daughter. It wasn’t as tough as I thought it would be since I was able to put a gift crate together with a lot of thought and planning. Lack of money or low funds (positive spin because low suggests a refill) forced me to really THINK about what she would need rather than what I would want her to have. I realized I was exercising suggestions from my therapist and it felt good to be so self-aware. The only thing I was worried about and it didn’t even throw me in a frenzy of ideas was if she would like the gift. Without even asking her, she said that she really appreciated the thought and that no one else had even given her a card or letter and it was very intimate and sentimental for her. All my  worries subsided and I was able to focus on asking the big questions and just keeping conversation to quiet her fears. Such a large move and leaving so much behind is difficult for anyone of any age.

Last Thursday I worked my day job then at the bar due to a bartender calling it quits and leaving everyone in a lurch. I had a bad day at my day job and was super excited to work that night. Many of my customers were very happy to see me that night instead of having to wait another day. I have never left the bar feeling like a failure as I do almost every day at my day job.

Day job at 6:30 am Friday morning and the only thing I accomplished was a catalog and hardly any illustrator work came across my desk making for a VERY boring day. I am a Podcast junkie and have all sorts from comedy to horror to writing and even inspiration. One of my writing podcasts showcased Robin Rice and she stated, ‘There is no problem going back and editing a post that was published. You’ve overcome a challenge that most people cannot do, hitting published.’ (Side note: I REALLY REALLY wish I had the money to take her new writing course but I’ll live.) 6 pm bar tending and had such a blast. I don’t drink behind the bar now that I have prescriptions to help with my PTSD and the associating depression and anxiety. I think I enjoy my job a whole lot more at the bar without drinking. Customers are a little uncomfortable with it as they think drinking in front of me is an issue and when they offer to buy, I settle for a coke and that eases their discomfort a bit.

Saturday I had breakfast with my daughter that was leaving for Florida and her three step kids then it was off shopping for a semi formal dress with my daughter. I did a little of self care as I was out of body spray and stopped at Bath and Body and purchased some fragrances (advice well received from my therapist and I didn’t feel guilty then off to tend bar. It was a slow night but steady.

Sunday at the bar was even slower but I was able to close early and hang out with my kiddos and finish the gift crate. Which all lead into a Monday from hell at the day job but enjoyed the end of the day with a my oldest daughters band concert.

Long story short, hitting publish, self-care, and being self-aware are great things to accomplish. DO NOT hesitate in doing any of those!

 

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