Another Weekend-Another Year

There is something to be said about being productive on a Saturday morning. All week I’m drained by my day job and then come home to get my day to day done. It can be draining. Trying to explain to my husband that physical tiredness is different from mental tiredness. There isn’t any amount of sleep that can help recoup from being mentally tire. I woke up early and decided that I was going to be good to myself and got on the treadmill. I didn’t make it the 30 minutes that I wanted but I did make an effort. I spoiled myself with oatmeal and banana but also took the time to apply for more jobs. I wrote personal cover letters and summaries for each application. Then it was off to fetch groceries and fill the car up ALL before the snow storm system moved in. Once home I completed some of my web development course. It’s amazing how much came back to me after years of not coding. Sunday was my ‘lazy’ day. Since my birthday is today and I have to go to work I laid in bed watching Netflix. I cooked an awesome dinner and watched Christmas shows with my family. I couldn’t have spent an early birthday any better.

Today I will order cookies for a belated birthday treat for my coworkers tomorrow. As much as I would like to forget I’m turning a year older, we do not have a bakery in my town. The business that bakes fresh cookies only does it during the week because they don’t run oven during weekend hours. I’m ok with that. I debated on treating my coworkers but they haven’t really been that awful towards me, it’s management. So today I contemplate opening another Twitter account to accompany my graphic artist portfolio or one for my blog. Happy Monday everyone…let’s kill it!

This is a stippling doodle I did at work on Friday. It felt good to doodle again. I do have to replace my pens and markers because the dogs ‘plucked’ my art bag out of my purse that was sitting on my bed and demolished them. I will slowly replace them a little at a time.

Friday’s Corner

It’s Friday! Made it through another week. I’ve had hardly any work to do but since everything is blocked on the internet I’m left sitting playing solitaire on the computer. I had people express their sympathy for how I’m being treated and that it hasn’t gone unnoticed but that’s not going to change the fact that I’m looking for another job. I had two emails from employers, ‘we are going ahead with our process’ or ‘we feel another candidate would be better suited.’ I’m just hoping that my current employer has given a bad reference. Why would they? I’m bringing my doodle book and some other stuff to keep me occupied.

I wrote a little short story. It’s nothing much but it was enough to get me excited about writing again. Happy Friday!

Corner Watcher

For years she played with Gemma. They were inseparable just as a girl and friend should be. Then her Gemma grew apart having less in common. Gemma sits on a chair in the corner of her friend’s room, watching as she made plans and growing up.
She sat in that corner for years watching her friend grow up into a young woman.
She watched triumphs and trophies, first loves and heartbreaks. She watched fights with her parents and life learned lessons. Through the years Gemma noticed an unknown shadow slowly get closer to her friend’s window. At first, Gemma didn’t think anything of it but grew concerned when she could see that the shadow had human characteristics. She wanted to scream at her once forever friend about the danger lurking outside. One night her friend was woken by the sound of broken glass. Gemma could see the figure was now in the room and her friend was making an escape. Gemma glared the man down as he hurriedly left out the window he broke through. The father came in the room with a 911 operator on the floor, ‘Yes, I think we’ll be able to identify the intruder,’ as he picked up Gemma from her corner chair. As usual, Gemma saw everything sitting in the corner. The triumphs, heartbreaks, plans being made and thanks to the little nanny came, she also saw the intruder.

Tuesday?

Coming back from what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend to work was a shift in mood. I get back to my computer, ready to work, and my computer is covered differently. Jon, the IT guy was on it over the holiday. Much rather like a mother disguising ‘cleaning’ her child’s room only to really be snooping. When I got my machine booted up and running that’s when I noticed that there were icons missing including the one for my resume folder. WTF! I also couldn’t access some basic networking sites such as LinkedIn. What could I possibly do on that site that would be detrimental to the company? Oh, wait. Possibly find another job. Then I try to go to my dashboard for my blogs and it’s now blocked! I’m pretty much or better yet, definitely all caught up on work so I will be using a pen and pad of paper to write and will come home and finish posting. Happy Tuesday everyone! Let’s stay positive and get through the day. The picture just made me smile so I thought I would re-post it.

Equality is in the eye of the owner…

It’s no surprise that I have been struggling with the employer/company that I am with. I can’t tell you how many times I heard from one of the company’s owners, ‘promote unity’ or seen signs referring to ‘equality’ but I saw first hand that is ALL a bunch of bull. I’m one of those people that say, ‘Don’t piss on my head and tell me it’s raining.’ Crude statement? Sure, but it’s as blunt as I can put it because people don’t seem to understand don’t dress up an ugly situation (inequality, rudeness, etc…) to make it pretty. Pretty much quit lying.

My kids’ school has what they call a late start. This is just what it sounds like. The school offers a program that the parent has to pay to use if they cannot find alternative supervision or arrangements for their children. My son forgot one morning that it was a late start and left for school. The older siblings forgot as well but decided to go to breakfast with their friends. This is where my son chose to go to the school’s ‘before’ school program and in turn, the school sent me a bill. Insert most dramatic eye roll while paying a bill. The school promotes late start but can make money if the parents can’t make other arrangements. See what happened there? Now the kids and I have our reminders set and it sounds like a bomb is fixin’ to detonate those mornings.

This week, I was walking into the office to return color-up request paperwork when I saw a young child around my son’s age sitting next to one of our CSRs. Me being the nosey person I asked if he belonged to her and if everything is OK. She is one of the individuals that I don’t mind going the extra mile for as she has done the same for me. Here we are, during work hours, her son sits and she also gets to leave to take him to school on the late start morning.

EVERY MOTHER in that place has had to make special arrangements right down to missing work to take care of their children. Why was she allowed to be the one person that’s allowed to bring her child and then leave 2 hours later to take him to school? Then I realized that equality is in the eye of the company’s owner. I didn’t directly take my anger and frustration out on her but I definitely didn’t go out of my way for custom work. So much so that I made her do her job and ask the client for the original work.

What does one do in that situation?

Still working on building my portfolio…

 

Happy Friday Everyone

This is a doodle from my Inktober failure. It brings a smile to my face and thought it would for y’all too.

Weighing In On Weighing In: Roller Coaster Recap

When I stepped back from my writing, art, and blogging I also stepped back posting my journey losing weight. During this time (still struggling to find time to write/post), I was still dieting and trying to find my magic number of activity points and food points. THIS IS NOT WHERE PEOPLE NEED TO STOP READING AND DIET SHAME. This is a roller coaster recap because I experienced a significant weight gain and made I was capable to examine that week for possible causes. Let’s start the next week following the point when I stopped posting which was Week 20 weigh-in was 177lbs.

  • WEEK 21 10/18: 176lbs
  • WEEK 22 10/25: 178lbs
  • WEEK 23 11/1: 175lbs
  • TODAY WEEK 24 11/8: 172lbs

Can you see wk 22? I gained 2lbs and the following week I lost the 2 that I gained plus another one. This is what I think happened. STRESS! I wasn’t intaking more calories and my exercise level even though it was less than normal, was still the same. The only difference that week was the stress at my job.  The run down. I was asked to complete a very large project. I started with a layout example that took 3 weeks to put together for a first draft. I sent the piece to my hiring supervisor and he said, ‘I don’t like it. It’s ugly.’ Instead of snapping back I told him ok, what would you like to see in edits. He gave me a list and before the conversation was over I asked him some questions to ask the other members of the team.  End conversation, begin my rant to my co-worker, layout #2 in beginning. The edits were easy enough just tedious and I received an email from the hiring supervisor that answered the questions I had concerning the informational copy. With the questions being answered, I realized it would change the layout AGAIN. I know this is long but follow me. I emailed a rough layout of what a page layout would look like-which is now different from the edits asked to be made (and now version 3).

I did something radical. Something SO unheard of that I should have been SHOT. Well, at least that’s what it felt like after my actions. I involved the OTHER team members. You would think doing an adult action such as this would be praised but it was the complete opposite. Other members involved caused my hiring supervisor to stomp his feet and QUIT the team! A week later, he took away my multimedia design project we were launching on Facebook. The reason he hired me he took away but without telling me. He just started doing everything. Heartbroken and probably the lowest I EVER felt with my career I was 2 seconds from quitting and applying at Walmart. Instead, I am now looking into other jobs and trying to figure out how to work from home.

Why the long explanation? Well, I’m afraid no one would understand the gravity and to lead into STRESS can wreak havoc on a diet. The next week I lost and still losing. He’ll be on site the week of Thanksgiving and need to figure out how to make myself scarce.

The Goodies

I have been changing things up to help with continual weight loss. I have tried a Buffalo Chicken salad. This is now my GO TO salad. Basically, you’re going to need mixed greens (iceberg is a must), finely chopped celery, chopped cucumber, chopped green onion, chopped carrots, chicken breast (3 ounces),  1 tablespoon of buffalo wing sauce (I found that Sweet Baby Ray’s brand is 1 point per tablespoon), and a couple of spoonfuls of my Ranch Greek Yogurt DipMix the dip and wing sauce together and pour over all your salad goodies and YUM! I wanted to add Bleu cheese but unfortunately, my store doesn’t carry it. Or at least it was out of stock when I went. If you do add the cheese and watching your waistline like I am, only a tablespoon. The Yogurt dip is only two ingredients: plain non-fat Greek yogurt and a tablespoon of dry ranch dressing mix.

I also enjoyed a BBQ chicken pizza using flat-out bread, chicken breast, sugar-free BBQ sauce, fat-free cheddar cheese, and red onion. The entire thing was only 3 points and I couldn’t even finish it. I was also adding pumpkin to my quick 0 point chili and cream of wheat. This was filling and added extra fiber and flavor. Also, a simple shrimp, cucumber, and dill salad. This was shrimp chopped, cucumber chopped, green onion chopped, dill chopped, a tablespoon of light mayo, 2 tablespoons of non-fat Greek yogurt. Mix and YUM! I usually have a slice of 45 calorie wheat bread.

Week to come goals: find another job prefer one to be online, be more active, and try to not stress. 30 pounds are gone and hoping to lose more this week. Happy Thursday everyone!

May 3, 2018

Dear Journal (and everyone that reads),

I thought I was doing great the past few weeks with only minor pangs of anxiety and one night of flashbacks. I survived the A to Z blogging challenge and set out a new goal for a novella that I would like to publish. I haven’t written or did anything on that since my goal but I’m ok with that as I have time this weekend to write. I have been enjoying my new doodle and watercolor challenges. It’s my zen place.

Today everything seems off. I haven’t written or read anything. I had plans to go and exchange some things but have canceled. I have been reduced to slipping on yoga pants and starting dinner. I refuse to crawl into bed and just lose composure-I know I’ll lay there for days. I was misled by pretty words today by someone that people are supposed to trust. I have been having issues with a woman that has the biggest head on her shoulders. Her inflated sense of entitlement I have confronted many times. She seems to have everyone wrapped around her fingers but I refuse to conform. I will argue with her when she’s wrong with anything marketing or graphic design-wise. The company hired me to bring in those elements of knowledge. I was hired under the impression that I was a team member but have been treated as an outcast. I’m not the only educated individual they have done this too but she, she makes my career life hell and goes out of her way to do so.

Today, instead she sent one of the owners (CEO) of the company to come and do her evil bidding. He used words like and phrases like, ‘collaboration, your expertise, eye for creativity and detail, and what you bring to the table.’ All pretty and promising words. Ones that made me think he actually did his job, knocked her down a peg and educated her that she needs to be able to work with other. I agreed that I could collaborate and work with her. She brought in a piece of paper, ‘Do this, what’s in this example.’ And left. Finding another graphic design job, in my area, for what little I am getting paid is proving to be difficult. I have never felt so ostracised by the company…the owner of the company. What’s the point in me being there? Am her personal assistant or do I work for the company? The ONLY thing I did was worked a program and made a document specification requested. I didn’t bring anything creative to the table, just regurgitated another version of an ad that SHE saw from last year. It was a bad ad done by a small company and elements of the ad were from the 90’s. How can I keep us going forward when she keeps us in the back.

I feel used, lied to, unappreciated as a graphic designer, and made to feel like I’m beneath everyone as a human. What’s the point? My anxiety was horrible (I would go to the bathroom just to sit and rock) and the feeling of being worthless is overwhelming. So, For now, I’m going to finish cooking dinner and do some painting trying not to give into the sinking feeling. The darkness that feels like a protective friend but isn’t. I may just call in tomorrow.

Words of advice-Try and see through the pretty words, it will prepare you for the lies beneath.

Random Doodle Do’s and Ugh’s

I didn’t post my daily doodle yesterday. I was exhausted but not from physical work. I’m beginning to think that what they hired me to do at my daily job-I’ll never do. But what I am required to do is to be the designated individual this certain person throws under the bus because she failed to get her part of ANYTHING done. Luck was on her side. I didn’t pick up a cigarette due to stress but decided that I want to stay smoke-free. I instead walked away. I was close to just decking her in the jaw but then that would be the southern roughneck behavior they all expect to see. If she doesn’t communicate what she really wants then I’ll give her exactly what she asks for. Only, the last time I did that she started informing the office what an idiot I was. A supervisor had to step in an remind her that I can’t look at her butt and read her mind. She needs to communicate better. Oh, did that ever piss her off! I have a romance to write today and hopefully work goes well.

Random Doodle Words:
4/19-Luck
4/20-Communication

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March 28th, 2018

Today was a great coming out of the gate. I made it into work on time and in a positive frame of mind. Then I found out what was really being said about me and was told that I act like an adult and the ‘persons’ responsible are acting like children. That’s great and all but I’m the anxious over-thinker worried about losing my job over untruthful BS. So, I wrote my short story and felt better…loads better. The story was fun and I tried to turn the prompt into something no one expected.

Then there were meetings and of course, I’m sitting across from the forked-tongued individuals. No eye contact was made but the tension was clearly visible. I did, however, thrive in the meeting which I’m afraid only made worse. They were talking a design and coding language that I understand and could speak back. Then they were later showed my computer station where I was able to be the geek that I am explaining what I do and how I do it.

Now for my good stuff of the day. I think I need to start thinking about the positive elements of my day to help keep the negative from playing over and over in my head. I was nominated for two more blogging awards which I will curate those blogs Friday. SUPER excited about those and I will thank those people again and give them the recognition they deserve. And I have decided to participate in the A to Z challenge! I know it’s a big bite to take but I thought since I want to also participate in the NANO month challenge it would be a great exercise. I have been able to write my 6-word stories, daily doodles and even write short stories through other prompts why not actually plan something and work on it.

A to Z needs a theme. I have decided to add a page to the site just for this but can also add other challenges I decided to do. So I will be working on that this week as well. It makes me feel good to think about writing and things like this. I will also start my alphabet journal the same day as my challenge begins. That’s my start date and should end the same time as my challenge. I am still going to try to also keep up with my daily doodles and 6-word stories.

RECAP LIST

  • A web page for  the A-Z challenge (Need to figure out theme and category)
  • Alphabet watercolor journal (animals, foods, flowers, colors…buildings?)
  • Award Posts

All in all the blog, art, writing, and the music I listen to help me through the anxiety and depressive states from outside individuals that feel my C-PTSD isn’t real. I wish they could spend a day in my brain. So, off to do my doodle and some research. Thanks for reading Y’all.

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