February 13th, 2018

Caved, I Did

So I have set a goal to finish a list of books this year (here’s the list) and wasn’t going to finish a series until I read the first book of each one and other books on the list. I also didn’t want to use a Kindle or audiobook. Confession-I fucking caved! I had just finished ‘Cinder’ and was going to start ‘Jane Eyre’. I usually read at night when a flashback hits. But I learned something about myself that I didn’t think was possible. In my head, I read to relax but it’s hard for me to relax into a book when I’m on edge trying to come down from a night terror state, constantly looking out the window and checking door locks.

I was able to re-read the first chapter 3 times before I even began to understand some basic characters. Instead of giving up on my goal of getting through the list and quitting (which is something that is easy for me to do…you know the whole fight or flight thing. I’m a frequent flyer when needed) I found an audiobook app that doesn’t cost anything (YAY keeping on budget) and I am in LOVE with this book now.

Having the capability to put my earbuds in and listening to soothing voices of characters all drowning out stress from my surroundings was a comfort. I’m on chapter 10 already and can’t wait for the next.

So yes, I caved but why am I so hard on myself? I had set a goal and it doesn’t matter how I get there just as long as I do…safely and with me intact. Goals are supposed to be rewarding and challenging, and when completed satisfying to better one’s self. I’m here saying it was OK for me to cave and get the audiobook. It’s ok…it’s ok…it’s ok. ‘You didn’t fail, you found a solution!

Instead of painting tonight, I updated my reading journal and feel super relaxed after doing a heinous sketch (I can say that because I need more practice).

February 8th into the 9th

I started this post at 11:30 tonight as I needed time to myself to get certain thoughts and ideas out of the way or in the way. I have been reading every day and last night I finished ‘Cinder’. I want to go to the next book in the series but since my book list is extensive for me to even attempt for this year I, not possible. As I stated before that I will read the first book in the series and then make notes and move to the next on my list. When I have completed my list I will then go back and start the next in the series.

My husband set up a table in the dining area and I have my laptop, art supplies, notebooks, charging station and all that good stuff set up. I kind of feel bad that I haven’t used it much this week but it’s been rough.

Work

So for the past few months and more recently the past couple of weeks ‘Bob’ the guy that I work with has been really oppressive, entitled, and really hates the fact that I’m a female with certain knowledge that he doesn’t possess which leads to him pushing the fact that he is a man and is always right with me. I know what a brow beater is and I know what gaslighting is…I was married to it for years. I also know that I’m not his personal secretary. The straw that broke ‘my’ back was his friend, another colleague had asked me to do some artwork for him for a shirt. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he was taking my art to another company to finish his product and not with ours. I told him how much I charge an hour and to sum it up, my talent is worth the fee but I still need to do it. WTF!? I left crying from all the stress from those two men. I couldn’t enjoy being home or my kids.

The next day I went to work and waited for about two hours before approaching my managing supervisor. He listened…now whether or not I’ll be fired is still up in the air because we all know how that situation ends. The man is always right…from my experience and how many times I was let down by law enforcement seeking safety and justice from my ex. So that is to be continued as the two men have a different supervisor and so there was a meeting of the supervisors (also men) and I’m feeling pretty confident that I’m going to be ‘let go’ for some oddball reason. Back up plan you ask? Not a fucking clue. I could freelance, I could try to find another job in my field, or I could just hide in my closet.

My Goals

Even though this week has been absolutely horrid here are the things that I have completed: Finished a book, did some sketching, kept up with my short fiction stories (barely) took a shower. All of those are accomplishments no matter how small. I sketched my character out (I want to start a comic journal of sorts. I need to work on simplifying my character and sketch my puppy a character fitting to her.) and hope to include her on my blog. I also have been keeping up with my reading journal. My thoughts on Cinder: I couldn’t read it fast enough, well written, very freakin’ creative, used it as a great escape from my reality, and guessed who the main character really was. My shower was cleansing in more ways than one. I was able to cry out some bottled feelings and I almost feel like myself again. My next book is either going to be Macbeth or one of the longer ones. Something that will take me more than a week to read and more difficult. I am proud of myself for refusing to get an audiobook and a pack of cigarettes. Now if only I could lose some of this weight.

Like most things in my life…to be continued.

 

 

6 Word Story: 2/3

I am feeling very accomplished this morning considering I tossed and turned with anxiety and my son waking up at 5 am (I was up and journaling at 4 am). Today’s prompt is motivating for me at the moment. I am nostalgic for my childhood. Moments of just me, sketchbook, pencils, barefooted heading towards the woods to sketch and write all my dreams. The thought of blank pages was what I woke up for every morning. No noise or obligations. Just me and my imagination.


Prompt Word: Little Joys

Requirements: barefoot, no service, pen, paper.

Learn Something New

I haven’t had the chance to be creative. Who the hell am I kidding-I haven’t been me in years. CPTSD isn’t something that goes away because the scars of abuse last longer in the memory than it does on skin. I know my kids and husband suffer because of it. So, I tried to learn something new (art wise). Believe me when I say I had to FORCE myself to complete the little art course and that was even after I stopped a few days in a row to make way for my depression, anxiety, and dealing with the kids.

Kawaii according to the Urban Dictionary – An adjective in Japanese meaning ” pretty; cute; lovely; charming; dear; darling; pet” It’s stem is two kanji meaning “can love”. It is

commonly used by anime and manga fans. I had NO IDEA what this was but wanted to dabble. Now I can’t get enough and want to draw and learn more. Unfortunately I don’t have the money from some of the tutorials and even though there are images I can sketch from, they aren’t truly mine. Anyone have any ideas? But I was able to do some more sketching and then creating some digital graphics.  I would really like to do a daily comic about my life with CPTSD and interactions with family and the outside world. I’ll never do it though. As sad as that statement was I don’t have the time.

I love drawing both traditional and digital but I really want to write. I have all these story ideas and just can’t figure out how to get the ideas to make sense. I’m the type of person that needs to be shown how. Not to be belittled, talked down to or made to feel stupid. I pretty much take care of that myself. Maybe I can find an online workshop so I don’t have the anxiety of being around other people? Any idea…one’s that won’t cost me an arm and a leg?

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