Letting Go; 18,000 Pieces at a Time

Remember when I wrote something about going to the library with the husband? The trip sparked 2 ideas/goals and a new found love for books. I don’t have time to read but I have 8 hours a day at where I work to listen. We aren’t supposed to listen to audiobooks but I do anyways…or now I do. I’m almost done with an Anne Rice novel and I forgot how much I enjoyed her style. I wish I could write like her but in shorter stories. There’s one.

Two is the library hosts their own quilt show/contest. Oh my! The talent in some these quilts. Next years theme is Flowers and I really REALLY want to enter but the problem is I don’t know how to quilt. Not like what was on display there. So, do I get a machine and try or just put that thought on the back burner? I’m looking into second-hand sewing machines and will YouTube the S*!+ out of the subject and even get to the library for how to books.

Three. The biggy. Picture it, the South, the early 2000s. I’m in my first trimester with a sibling for my other kiddos. Money is tight for my young family both parents not experienced enough to deal with adult responsibilities. The military pay wasn’t all that great, especially for our growing family and I offered to get a job at a local restaurant. My husband at that time had FORBIDDEN me to work. I was lucky I could leave the house, truth be told. He had been hoarding a clothing allowance that he received for almost a year. It was HIS money. It was ALL HIS MONEY. I woke up one morning and purchased a $350 18,000 piece puzzle. Believe me, I paid for it later but not with money.

Now, almost 11 years later this puzzles sits at the top of my closet. Only opened once to see what it looked like inside. A box of bad memories and pain just sitting and collecting dust. I noticed when visiting the library that there was a puzzle in the back area on a table being put together. I had asked about it and the librarian said it was sometimes put together by the staff, sometimes it was put together by other people. ‘Would the library take a donation in the form of a puzzle?’ I knew when I asked she probably thought that there were pieces missing or that it was in rough shape. The shock on her face when my husband carried in the puzzle. It was heavy for me but he carried it in like a bale of hay.

‘The box looks a little rough. It has traveled with me, baggage if you will for over 11 years. The four sections are bagged separately. Each section to a bag. This is number 17 out of 8216 puzzles made and the shipping slips show that it’s from Germany originally. There’s a certificate of authenticity and a poster for image reference. Can the library use it? It will finish 9 feet wide by 6 feet tall.’ She was overwhelmed and excited to receive it and the only thing I asked was to see it if and when it’s finished. She didn’t need to know the history of the puzzle.

I feel lighter. A reminder of past pain and abuse (both emotional, mental, and physical) related to that box is gone. I don’t need to hold on to it and something awesomely great will come from it. The beauty of the craftsmanship of the puzzle will FINALLY be put together. I still have a lot of healing to do and this was a great step forward.

Rose Colored Glasses

Normally I steer away from ‘selfies’ or photos that tend to give away my location or view of my children. But I have a message with this one. The place where I work the women are always giving back-handed compliments or talking about each other or something else equally unnecessary. Rarely do they give compliments or try to build each other up. Why? I have no idea. It’s as if they are in competition or it’s just easier to tear each other down. I see it in there faces every day. The ones that have triumphed over someone else with words and the ones that tried to make it through another day.

I have intervened a few times and went to our managing supervisor who does SQUAT about any of it. We do not have an HR department since the ENTIRE factory is run by the founding family (that’s a huge problem in itself) and worker’s happiness and wellbeing is often overlooked. I do my best to give compliments when I can or introduce myself to the new girls that get hired on instead of speculating and jumping right into the gossip about them (yup, small-town mentality). Let’s just say it’s a freaking snake pit where I work.

Yesterday, I wore the awesome glasses that I ordered online from Zenni. I’ve always wanted a pair and fully plan on purchasing sunglasses in this style. I got a couple of, ‘nice glasses are they new?’ comments but then one woman had to give a back-handed compliment. I was just returning some paperwork when she said, ‘Oh, you’re brave.’ I stopped. ‘Brave?’ and she had said, ‘For wearing those,’ as she pointed to my face. Here’s where I would have brooded over this and probably never worn them again. I’m not trying to be brave, I’m trying to a happy me and these glasses make me SUPER happy. I just smiled and walked away. Walking through the office, passing by her she said, ‘I guess I’m just going to have to get used to them.’ OK, this is where I stopped and turned. ‘I don’t care what you think or how you feel about my choice of eyewear style. You did not pay for them NOR are they on YOUR face. You can continue to belittle me but it won’t change a thing other than my opinion about you. Now I just think you’re a bully and mean bitter woman that’s jealous. Instead of trying to tear people down try a compliment instead.’ I walked away and enjoyed a quiet day because she chose not to talk to me.

Instead of people trying to tear each other down try encouragement, compliment, or some sort of supportive comment. It WILL go a long way!

Happy Thursday! Side note…SUPER happy about my selfie with the mirror and camera and how it kind of goes on a bit. YAY getting better with practice. This does not count as my 365 Day Project image.

 

 

Once Bitten

Yesterday I opened my email and seen that the job posting site I use recommended two jobs. Still, a little shaken (you know the whole once bitten, twice shy scenario) I reluctantly clicked the ‘apply’ button. Then I started remembering my interaction with the last interviewer. I remember feeling like I was less than the person interviewing me. Was I imagining it? Probably. But there was this air around her that she thought she was better than me because she was interviewing me. Her actions, the way she acted bored, how she didn’t shake my hand. All in my head? Maybe. But this is what I do. I overthink EVERYTHING about ANYTHING. It’s like a piece of gum. I chew all the flavor out of it then make everything worse by sticking it in my hair.

My interview is next week. I’m going to dress comfortable but not so casual that I look like I’m just going to the mailbox. I’m going to try and make it as comfortable for me to sit there. I’m going to remember that Facebook ads can only be 20% text and I’m going to remember what a damn pixel is. I’m going to be confident and I’m going to be me. I think my problem was last time was I was pretending to be someone like my interviewer. I’m not better than anyone else. The last interviewer felt cold and decided when first meeting me that she didn’t like me. Still, probably all in my head.

So, YAY! Friday! YAY! Interview. The weekend is going to be full of class work and planning (looks like we have snow moving in meaning I’m not leaving my house). Happy Friday everyone!

6 Word Story: 8/16

The fog was horrible this morning while I was walking. It made everything that was normal seem ominous and hiding something terrible. I kept having to tell myself that I’m being paranoid. That’s when I heard voices. I thought maybe I was going crazy but when I turned the lap there was a car with two people arguing outside of it-headlights on. I stopped. More like froze but realized that they hadn’t seen me. I continued walking because I have a goal but decided that I’m going to sharpen the blade on my knife tonight when I get off work. I drew a blank with this prompt.


Prompt: Laugh

 

 

6 Word Story: 8/13

It’s a Monday…do you know how hard it is to be positive on a Monday? Right now, I’m positive that I don’t like Mondays. Today’s prompt word gave me a little trouble but it was fun to get my brain going on this little exercise.


Prompt: Pull

When doubt arises, pull from strength.

 

Weighing In on Weighing In: Week 11

One thing I definitely learned is that A LOT can happen in a week…even a few days. I went in and had a tooth pulled on a Friday afternoon, a couple days later stitches thrown in. Finally able to return to work and still feeling pain the extraction caused. This, of course, made me adjust my eating habits.

Things I learned:

Weight Watchers has a zero point list for fruits, vegetables, and proteins for the freestyle program that I am doing. Blending zero point fruits adds points! My two point smoothie ended up being 13points! GRR. Mashed taters was also a higher point food that I only indulge in when out at a restaurant but needed to this past week. I also opted for cream of wheat which was nice and easy to eat along with being filling. Not walking as much and not filling full I was worried about what the scale would read. Sincerely…I almost skipped the weigh-in day. But here it goes, 182lbs is what the scale read this morning!


I’m officially 20lbs down! No, I can’t see it or notice it and that’s because it’s happening slowly. Then I remind myself that just because it’s slow doesn’t mean it’s not happening. I’m hoping this upcoming week will be better all around. Not wasting my weekly points on stupid smoothies and being able to actually eat would be great. I don’t have a unique recipe to share but I will be experimenting with butternut squash noodles and that will be posted next week (if it’s good).

6 Word Story: 8/6

Have you ever really looked back at certain situations and thought, ‘How did I even survive that…?’ I have a LOT of those that are not to be confused with, ‘What the hell was I thinking?’ moments. I’m up this morning and trying. My jaw is still extremely sore and I have a call into the dentist. Something doesn’t feel right so we’ll see. Until then, I am posting rather late, my 6-word story.


Prompt: Resilient

Resiliency is found after a situation.

 

6 Word Story: 7/28

I was (still am) full of excitement as we are attending a festival today. Normally, I don’t care to be around people, my anxiety almost forbids it. But today is different, they are like-minded and arent’ judgmental. I’m actually going to take along my watercolors to test the waters if I feel comfortable enough to paint with possible onlookers.

I readied myself for my walk when I noticed approaching the local track that the stadium lights were on and tents were being set up…ugh that’s right! The Bugle Mouth tournamanet is today as well. Outsiders from all over ascend on the town and are even more jerks than the people that live here. I’m still an outsider here after 7 years. I seen movement then people running and knew immediately that there was no way my fat ass is going to speed walk in front of all those fit people. Instead I stuck to the sidewalks and put my steps/time in and came home.

My husband hates when I walk the neighboorhood and is seriously creeped out by a guy-but I’ve never seen him. He said, ‘That’s the problem. You don’t see him but I do.’ Now, I’m getting fitted for a new holster for my carry conceal and yoga pants. I know, I’m rambling but it’s a cross between adrenaline and happiness-something I haven’t felt in a while. Busy day of festivities and catching up on my paintings. Happy Saturday everyone!


Prompt Word: Hostility

 

6 Word Story: 7/26

I would like to thank everyone for the inspiring comments of encouragement. Last night I decided to rest but it was more for my mental health. I worked hard on a filling meal for the family, cleaned up, and sat down. Didn’t worry about bills, what happened at work, or anything else just cuddled my dog. This morning I forced myself out of bed for a walk. I watched a beautiful almost full moon set and the sunrise and in between that precious moment, I saw a shooting star (more than likely a meteor but beautiful nonetheless). How many people can say they saw that this morning? I feel pretty lucky to see such beauty.


Prompt: Admirer 

Weighing In on Weighing In: Week 4

Today is weigh in day. I made some changes and this morning a question. Now, I did a sneak peek at my progress (I have GOT to stop doing that) and seen that I was down to 189lbs. This morning I weighed before walking and it read 194lbs. Umm…wtf?! I noticed my fingers were swollen and thought maybe it was because I just woke up. I walked, got weirded out by a cop, came home, had some water and weighed in. 190lbs is what the scale gave me. Did I gain a pound? I’m not too sure because I took the scale in the bathroom and it told me 196lbs. Even bigger WTF thoughts. I will be getting a new scale as I’m beginning to think that the scale is in cahoots with my diet that tried to use my chopping skills against me earlier. No, but I will be purchasing a different scale.

PLUS side…I lost more weight! I added healthier fats back into my diet like a butter/olive oil spread (hello yummy!), found that I can snack on Rold Gold Pretzels (but now I dip in PB2 powder peanut butter adding the protein back into my snacks and yumminess), and I’m not starving myself by hoarding points. They’re there so why not eat them? I have turned down free pizza, cake, and even BBQ lunch here at the office and I’m not completely bitter just glad that I could pass it up. That means I’m learning self-control. I’ve also learned to enjoy my coffee without all the bells and whistles and drinking more water.

6/21/2018 High 5% Losing 5% of your weight is a big deal! It can improve your mood, give you better sleep, and reduce the risk of developing type 2 diabetes. Woot!

The WW app asked if I wanted to up my activity point goal to 70 and I had to turn that down. I don’t think I’m ready for that because I have so much going on. Taking care of family/house, daily painting, daily doodle (not giving those up at the moment), the Friday Fenton project (update coming tomorrow), writing class I signed up for, and my blog. I’ll try to do it on my own without it counting first.

Totally happy with my results so far but cautiously aware that there will be bumps in the road. Here’s to hoping for another successful week leading up to weigh in day.

Happy Solstice everyone.

 

 

6 Word Story: 6/21

When I think of pioneer my first thought is of the TV show, ‘Little House on the Prairie.’ Now that I’m older I realized that we are all pioneers in our lives. We may not discover new lands, stake land, or brave the wild tundra but we still discover newness within ourselves and what we can accomplish.


Prompt Word: Pioneer girl

 

6 Word Story: 6/20

Dreaming is what has gotten me through a lot and has helped me achieve more than what I was dreaming about. If it wasn’t for dreamers there would be so much not in our lives, no goals achieved, no art, no color or life.


Prompt Word: Dreamer

 

Weighing In on Weighing In: Week 3

This week has been a little stressful but a little more successful. As you know last week my progress was actually not that good. I actually gained a pound. I committed to some changes and was a little bit more happy with the results. I am down to 194lbs. I was a little upset because I took a sneak peek at my weight on Wednesday and see 192lb! Still trying to wrap my head around that one.

Eat the Dailys:  This was a suggestion as my body may think it’s starving. I did just that. I ate my daily points and at least 1 or two of my weekly points. I even learned to eat out and resist temptation. I’m getting better at not drink my points but I have mastered a 5 point Bloody Mary (recipe at the end). I learned to eat at two restaurants and didn’t leave feeling like I was missing out and felt full.

The Problem: I do LOVE a crunchy snack or my sweet tooth dances in my forehead and found point positive solutions but I would like to try something else. Just because I have the points to play with doesn’t mean that it has to be junk. An alternative that I am going to try next week is to add more good fats to my diet and see if that helps curb my snacking.

My Upcoming Goals: I’m going to try and cut back on my snacking (even point positive snacks) and try to add good fats back into my diet. This may also help to curb my appetite. The WW online program updated my fit points to 64. That means more work on my part. I have extended my walks a little longer but I am going to try and add more jogging into them.

I’m more of a whiskey drinker but find that here lately it doesn’t agree with me. I love a good dark beer but can’t afford the points for that. But if I am going to part with points I want a drink with substance (and edible garnishes…Bloody Mary’s need their veggies). Ok, the good part:

My 5 smart point Bloody Mary:

 

Here’s to hoping more weight loss next week.

6 Word Story: 6/7

There are times that I wish that I was in a new place even a different time but I have to make the best out of what and where I am. Today is weigh-in day, yesterday was awful, and I’m not looking forward to dinner with a friend. I’m going to try and turn things around. Try…


Prompt Word: New Kid

 

6 Word Story: 5/25

I am really not enjoying, ‘A year to a better you,’ 6-word story prompts. I think that I am bitter about having to move my entire writing/painting area into my dungeon of a room. I say dungeon due to the lack of windows. I sulked for a few hours last night before going to bed. I didn’t doodle or paint. I’ll try to do it today in my room but it doesn’t feel like me. It’s not airy or light. I can’t stand it. I know, it’s weird to say that about a place that a person is supposed to feel the most comfortable but I’m a creature of habit. I miss my area. I also found myself bargaining with myself about points. I’m just super bitter about losing my creative space to the clunky machine of an AC. Bitter is the best I can be today which is kind of the opposite of 6-word story. I’ll try and take my own advice.


Prompt Word: Pollinate

6 Word Story: 5/21

I could really use one of these right now. Yes, I woke up early. Yes, I took a walk. No, I don’t want to adult today. My body isn’t as young as it used to be and after a weekend of doing adult stuff my body is waking up like an adult.


Prompt Word: Energy Boost

 

 

6 Word Story: 5/18

I typed and deleted. Type and deleted. There is so much going on in my head both positive and negative (mostly negative at the moment). I did get up and take my walk and I think I’m ready to add my walk to every morning instead of every other morning. I hope that I can imagine another page or two for my project.


Prompt Word: The Visionary

6 Word Story: 4/18

I’m trying to remind myself when things don’t go my way to make the best out of a situation. It didn’t go that well for me yesterday but there is always tomorrow.


Prompt Word: Yellow Boots

When life brings rain; dance proudly.

Liebster Award Nomination

When I started this blog I was in a bad place in my life. I realized I need to stop living in my past and come to terms that the past lives within me. And that isn’t always a bad thing, it’s something that I can learn and grow from but hopefully along the way help, encourage, and inspire others. I have read some great writing stories both fictional and nonfictional and view some amazing art. There are so many talented individuals and all are uniquely awesome. I can’t thank the readers, writers, and artists enough for the encouragement Y’all (showing Southern roots) give.

With that being said, The Creative PTSD Gal was nominated for the Liebster Award (insert jumping up and down, screaming school girls image here). She is a blogger that I believe is one of the bravest I’ve read. She encourages other’s and has a wit about her writing that is relatable in one way or another. So, please visit This-door-is-alarmed, kick off your shoes and read for a while.


THE OFFICIAL RULES OF THE LIEBSTER AWARD 2018 (as seen on The Global Aussie)

The rules are:

  1. Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you and display the award logo.
  2. Answer 11 questions that the blogger sets you.
  3. Nominate blogs that you think are deserving of the award.
  4. Create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.
  5. Let your nominees know about their nomination!

So here it goes:

  1. What is your favorite thing beginning with the letter ‘s’?
    My favorite thing that begins with ‘S’ would have to be sleep. I know that sounds common but for a C-PTSD woman with insomnia, it’s a luxury at times.
  2. What is your quirk?
    I have so many but I think the one that I’m even mindful of is quoting movies during serious conversations. Someone would say a phrase that had to do with a quote and I would in turn finish with a movie quote.
  3. Of the blogs you follow, which is your favorite and why (please leave a reference to their site)?
    This is a tough one since I enjoy so many for many personal reasons. Discovering Your Happiness.  I can relate to so much of the information. It doesn’t feel like other mindful mental blogs I read.
  4. What five things do you hope to accomplish in the next five years?
    1-Self publish a successful collection of short stories
    2-Write a novel during NaNo month
    3-Bake a perfect loaf of white bread (I’m not a baker FYI)
    4-Be able to work from home writing and painting
    5-Encourage someone to follow their dreams 
  5. If I was reading a book, with you as the main character, how would the author describe you?
    Average brunette female with a little sass and a giving heart. Doesn’t quit but will slow down when needed. She is adventurous but stays close to home for safety. The mother figure when you need comfort and a friend when you need honesty.
  6. What do you wish you could change about yourself?
    Years ago I would have changed so much including experiences or regrets but now I wouldn’t change anything. I’m afraid if I did I would be the same person with a will that doesn’t quit.
  7. Which one famous person (real or fictional) would you like to meet and what would say or ask?
    This is a no-brainer and let me geek out for a minute of all things 80’s making a comeback (wearing chucks right now). I’m a huge fan of Stranger Things. I would tell Eleven it’s ok to be a kid and to let Hopper help guide her. I would tell Joyce, ‘Awesome for seeing your ex as the ass he is and sending him to the curb. You’re an awesome single mom and don’t doubt your capabilities and to also act as a good mother figure in El’s life.
  8. If you could have a super-power, what would it be?
    My super-power of choice would have to be writing without grammatical errors. If there is an error to be made, I’ll do it with a cape on!
  9. What are you most proud of?
    I most proud of not giving up on me. I came close a couple of times, once to close for comfort but that’s for a different time.
  10. What is one key thing blogging has taught you?
    It has taught me to appreciate everyone’s contribution. To build a community that you’re proud to be a part of. Build up new bloggers and admire the accomplished.
  11. What question do you wish I had asked you and what is the answer?
    What villain character could you sympathize with and why? I would have to say Gemma from Sons of Anarchy. Whatever she did as bad or manipulative as it was at the root of it she did care about her family.

My Nominees

syncwithdeep
POETRY TALKS
Blue Sky Days 365
A Slapdash Talk
Tales from the mind of Kristian
G.I.R.L
memoirsofalexander
reconnectedmind
Life Amazing

My Questions (it’s going to be ok)

  1. What villain character could you sympathize with and why?
  2. What vintage piece of clothing would you like to bring back and why?
  3. You’re are playing the leading role in a major film, what is the title and who is your character?
  4. When is the one time you trusted your instincts and they were right?
  5. What would you like to gain from your blogging experience?
  6. What is your go-to comfort food?
  7. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings
  8. What book have you read more than once?
  9. Coffee or tea?
  10. Where do you find inspiration when you are stuck?
  11. What is the one holiday you go all out for?

    Thanks for reading 🙂 I look forward to reading everyone’s responses!

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