Two Weeks Rejected

I had a super difficult morning trying to get to work and I couldn’t even write before getting ready. Luckily, I had a friend send her husband back by my house to take me into work because the car was stuck IN MY DRIVEWAY! Yay snow! Then when I get to work it only got worse as I tried to adjust my attitude. The office staff, on in particular treats me like I’m beneath him. It was so bad in fact that my nose started bleeding and I was able to make it to my supervisor’s office before the panic attack set in.

There I told him enough was enough. I can no longer work in an environment like this, I no longer care about my job which I was once so passionate about, and I’m not in a good state of mind after a couple of weeks of everything I’ve endured here. I told him unapologetically that this is my two-week notice. And he said hold on to that because I have big plans for you. WTF! Did he not hear me? Mentally, this place is no longer good for me. My blood pressure and anxiety are through the roof.

I ignored emails and the people in the office for about 30 minutes so I could do this little vector up. Something to remind me to love myself. Why can’t I freelance from home? Oh yeah, not in this small town. It’s almost time to leave so I’m going to go home and think about what I’m going to do for my photo project tonight since we have over a foot of snow on the ground. Thanks for letting me rant.

The Interview I Blew

Guys let me tell you…I really blew that interview last night. I was confident and thought that I would nail it. I thought that I would be able to quit the job that I have TODAY. I thought I would be happy going to work every day and even dressing a little nicer. I was WRONG WRONG WRONG! I was a horrible interview.

I thought I could control my anxiety and the thoughts running through my head. I thought I could answer all the questions that the interviewer had logically and sound intelligent. This is what CPTSD can do. It can ruin your dreams of getting out from underneath a job that essentially ruined your career from the minute you walked through that door.

At first, everything I did was correct but went south for the winter quicker than the birds up north! I dressed appropriately (regretting the money I spent) and brought my laptop for presentation. She asked about my thought process behind the ads that I needed to create. Blank…yup I, at that moment, had no FUCKING clue what I thought when creating the ads. My memory loss and grasp for words decided it was time to rear her ugly head. Oh, and the poster was supposed to be digital…hmm should’ve guessed that. The Facebook ad can only have 20% text well no shit but when I was creating them I completely forgot about that. I had tunnel vision and was more focused on the task of creating than the parameters. Do you know what a Facebook pixel is? I knew the answer but stupidly replied, ‘I’m sorry what?’  ‘I would like to see some of your work do you have a portfolio. My CPTSD hit the panic button. Lights were flashing and warning buzzards were going off. I muttered that my portfolio link is included with my Indeed resume. ‘No, it’s not there. Do you have anything to show me?’ Well of course not even though I had a folder right on my desktop. ‘ I intelligently muttered, ‘Is there WiFi here?’ GUYS WHO DOES THAT?! She asked me to send her a link. I almost completely shut down.

The interview was over and she wouldn’t even shake my hand. I promptly emailed her a link to my portfolio from the parking lot using my phone. I messaged my husband and told him I didn’t get the job and then I allowed myself to have the panic/meltdown attack that I was holding in. You know the relief you get in your chest from having to hold yourself together. I was no longer awkward and the cloud of noise lifted from head once my butt hit that car seat. After I was done crying I came home and went STRAIGHT to the Indeed website to add my portfolio link. Did you know that it was there? Apparently, she didn’t either. A few minutes later as I’m applying for more jobs the place I interviewed for posted and Indeed said my resume was a match. I read the post and she added more items and I quickly learned she was wanting someone with more experience. Someone that wasn’t me.

I wanted to scream for her to give me chance to see what I’m capable of but I just scrolled past. At this point, I wish anyone would give me a chance that understands what CPTSD can do to a person. I applied for other jobs and I’ll take a Xanax before walking into the interview to quiet everything in my head. I will do my stanza study this evening. I’m contemplating on putting on pants to go to work. Happy Wednesday everyone.

6 Word Story: 3/12

Having CPTSD has taught me that using the grounding technique I can better get through my panic attacks. Not all the time but the times that it does work I feel stronger.

Prompt Word: Up & Away

Grounding gave her freedom to live.

February 1, 2018

I had a really great ending to the month of January and to keep the momentum going I went to work this morning with a to-do list for things that need to (and stuff I want) get done. I had new logos to draw (I love a challenge) and wanted to get my first 6-word story done for this month. Also on my list, was my reading journal because I got my hands on one of the books that are on my 2018 ‘Book’ bucket list and wanted to get that started.

I had all these great ideas for projects and feeling very creative until my partner in the art room was talking to a supervisor and ‘Bob’ came in. Now he’s the one that’s I wrote about in my journal post from last month just to recap. I already had a mild headache but completely bearable and he had said something to my partner but never addressed me. He sat there for what felt like 5 minutes (never addressing me) then got up and slammed the art room door. Anxiety started to rise in my chest. I sent him an email apologizing for ignoring him and I sincerely thought that he was talking to my partner. He never acknowledged my email or me. Instead, he sent another email with this:

(my name) You need to do this:

Then lists what he needed from me. I did what was on the list and never even got a thank you. More anxiety and even panic. Now I’m wondering if he’s trying to get me fired and worried he’s personally out to get me. I couldn’t concentrate. I felt like a nobody. I apologized for something that I didn’t do and gave an explanation to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I was acting exactly how I acted when I was with my ex. How could I let him do that to me?

I could go to my managing supervisor but he doesn’t do anything. We don’t have an HR. I don’t know what to do. I was feeling great yesterday because I figured out the 3D software that my hiring supervisor wanted me to figure out. Super proud of myself and now I’ve been reduced to nothing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should talk to him only for him to browbeat me into some more apologies. I’m going to try and write my 6-word story…I’ll start there.

6 Words Day 5

This one was a little more personal…something I would rather not think about but this prompt brought visceral memories. During one of my absolute worse panic attacks I kicked my husband out of our house. I would send texts and he wouldn’t replied. It crushed me. So this is what I have.

Day 5 Prompt 

 Reply. “Love you.” Send. “User Unknown?”

Set Back or Added

Last month I was meeting 2 possible families that wanted 2 of our puppies (one for each family obviously). I had my oldest daughter with me and the puppies in the backseat (buckled mind you) and headed for a 4 hour drive round trip.

I came to a 4-way stop (all stop) and proceeded through the intersection when out of no where A white truck impacted with my front passenger side pushing us into oncoming traffic (luckily we weren’t hit). No one was hurt as we were wearing seat belts and the puppies had no clue as to what was happening as they just slept through the entire ordeal.

I’m catapulted into a catatonic panic state and I could only feel the hot tears running down my face and fear in my throat. I managed to pull the car into the gas station parking lot. I didn’t know it at the it at the time but I was out of the car nodding to this man asking if I’m OK and suddenly hyper-aware of everything around me and in me. The officer that arrived told me to stay by my vehicle while he talked to the man first. White hair, on his phone talking about some nonsense about the night before and almost wrecking, who NEVER once told me why he ran into me. The officer asked me what happened. I thought everything that I was thinking was coming out of my mouth but it wasn’t. All I could get out, ‘We stopped, looked both ways, no traffic stopped, started driving through and then we were hit out of no where.’ That is ALL I could get out. I thought it was clear and concise but my daughter tells me that I could barely get the words out and that I was sobbing and didn’t want to be touched. My daughter tried telling the officer that, ‘My mom has CPTSD and needs a minute or two to calm down and get over the panic attack so she can clearly enunciate what happened.’ Instead of giving me the time I needed he asked my daughter. WTF!!! But I nodded and she explained what happened.

After pictures were taken, I received a ticket for failure to yield. I about lost it right there! This is because of Wisconsin Law the driver on the left yields to the one on the right. Yes, that’s all well and good and would have if HE HAD BEEN THERE FIRST! The insurance company investigated and clearly states that we have to accept liability ONLY because of the law and lack of video proof. Our adjuster said that the other party’s story was almost like mine expect the part of him being at a full stop and no other drivers visible. Then my adjuster tells me the guy was getting an estimate at the same shop that my car was at but wanted to pay out of pocket. Then I learned it was a work vehicle. Time line of the accident–football games, tailgate parties, and dusk. Was he driving the truck after hours, drinking when watching the game and then decided to go home during half time?

The officer not listening to me triggered a flashback that I didn’t want to have of me pleading with the officer that it’s rape even if we are married and I said no. The officer didn’t listen, didn’t do anything to protect me, mocked me for my claim, and I should be a good wife when my (ex)husband is in the Air Force and left. Left me alone with him to be further abused.

With shame, I didn’t go to court to fight the ticket, and I haven’t the money to send in now but I will. Now because of the officer not listening brings back feelings of shame and disgrace. I can’t face a judge right now. This is the first I have ever really put into words how the man driving the truck, the officer and situation made (and I still feel this way) feel. The judge won’t understand or give me the time of day. I know how this goes. Been there done that so many times. This is where the hopelessness sets in and I try not to associate past abuse to present situations but it’s so difficult. Both officers were similar in the treatment of me only one was more verbal and the other implied I was wrong (along with my daughter). Now I have a hard time driving even 3 blocks to pick my kids up from school.

Caves and Trolls

Not So Up and Early

I worked the night before we were going to visit the caves and didn’t get home until almost 3 am but I still felt that we could rise although not shine by 7 am. I planned on us eating breakfast at a local greasy spoon and we would head out. But as with everything that we try to do in our family we are either late or never follow through with plans at all. I would have to settle for being late as my son and my girls were excited to make the 2 hour trip to see this natural attraction in our state. We have lived here for over 5 years and have never been exploring and with summer coming to an end it was better late than never (all pun intended). We stopped at Burger King just in time to miss breakfast and receive a greasy-not-so-great lunch. Service was horrible on top of the food. I was upset to say the least because I wanted things to be perfect. I plugged in my iPod to listen to a mood setting ‘No Sleep‘ podcast which I highly recommend for anyone needing a break from the real world. My son fell in love with the stories and was a little bummed when I turned it off but quickly regained his excitement when I told him that we were 5 miles out from our cave destination.

We Arrived

We entered the ‘Cave of the Mounds’ park just in time to purchase our over-priced tickets for the 12:45 pm tour of the cave. We had 20 minutes to kill and I thought it would be a great idea for my son to do a little gem and fossil digging. We all actually had a blast trying to help him find the gems and fossils. We ended up unearthing quite a haul of gems and the entombed shark tooth fossil that my son desired. That’s when I realized that we had to pay for this loot at which I had no qualms paying for until I seen it was 95¢ per piece. UGH! Now I didn’t want this to be a bust for my son but still needed to stick to some sort of budget I asked if there was a better deal. That’s when the young teen divulged that there were treys in the gift shop that allowed for 12 pieces to be placed in the allotted holes and it was $5.99 a tray. PERFECT! So, my son chose every so carefully his favorite pieces and we were on our way without a melt down. WHEW. This only made me feel a little more at ease-I REALLY wanted this trip to be great. With 10 more minutes to kill I thought we could ‘mine’ for gems but now that I was quickly aware of the fact that a person needs a pretty mint to enjoy the park to the fullest with all the activities I decided to keep my mouth shut about doing such an activity. Good thing I didn’t because a visitor has to pay for the bag of dirt that may or may not have anything exciting within the contents. I simply pointed out what the trough of water was used for and tried to give a brief history lesson to my son about the gold rush era.

Tour Time

Finally it was time to start our tour. We were ushered into a small room like cattle to watch an informative video and hear the rules of the cave visit. The room was then split into two groups and all I could think was ‘Thank God’. I started to get anxious and claustrophobic and then worried because I left my meds in my locked car. My sons body just emanated his excitement that validated that we had done good. We headed down the stairs, holding the hand rails and the cave was a constant °50 Celsius. So glad that I told everyone to bring their hoodies. I could hear the dripping of water throughout and we were told that the drips were ‘cave kisses’ and my son kept yelling with enthusiasm that the cave was kissing him. All I could do was smile. Below are just a few pictures that were taken. (Forgive the photo quality as these were taken with my phone. Maybe I need to look into a course for cell phone photography? Maybe that would be cool to do.)

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We walked through the rest of the tour and that’s when it happened. Tours started piling on top of each other and all the people, voices, sounds, screaming kids, and hyper-awareness of my surroundings I felt a panic attack rising. I started to shake and was quickly relieved when we were led to the earth above.

What To Do Next

No one really wanted the experience of new to end and in our little pamphlet about the cave was another cute little town to visit-Mt. Horeb. The town of trolls. The pictures in the handout looked awesome and there was a museum that we could visit that would explain the trolls and town. YES! WRONG! Although we did get to be the family that took selfies with wooden trolled carvings, most everything was closed. The museum, bistros, grills, and chocolate shop-ALL CLOSED! GRR. The troll carving were unique, creative but also creepy. Everyone was a little disappointed but still had fun nonetheless.

Going Home

The kids fell asleep to the rest of the scary stories from the podcast after grabbing a bite to eat. All in all a good day outside of me not doing enough research for our trip. I would like to take the kids hiking on my next Sunday off. I was thinking maybe the effigy mountains. Who knows what that would bring.


Adventure: Class 2-Clover Isn’t Having It!

As I posted in my journal post I was hit with a really bad bought of depression and wasn’t motivated to do anything. I paid for the obedience classes and no matter how I felt we were going.To prepare for this class (since she didn’t like any treats from last class other than her dog food I brought) I

pan seared in Corn Oil some chicken livers. I grew up on them andthey are awesome fried but she can’t really have all the fatty southern goodness like I use to have. I tried it, it was awful but she didn’t mind it so much. I wanted her to taste test before taking it to the class. I also peeled and chopped apple chunks and mixed the liver, apple, and her dog food all in one treat bag and we were set.

We get to class, and the sassy little girl wasn’t having ANY of it. I felt so defeated and deflated which didn’t help my depression at all. Then the trainer pulled out some toys. Toys that we don’t give our baby anymore because they last 1.5 minutes (and that’s on a good day). We practiced focus, leave it, and wait/stay. She was doing good but still distracted and I couldn’t figure out why. That was until I started dripping sweat, my heart started pounding and then the shaking. What a perfect fucking time to have a panic attack. She sensed it the whole time before I even started showing and feeling symptoms. When the attack had passed all she wanted to do was comfort me. We worked for another few minutes then my husband had called it for me. She is a very smart and hard working companion. At home she did focus, down, and wait just fine.

Hopefully next class I will have it together. This was not on her fault.







April 28, 2017

 I feel like I have hit a wall. Not with my new blog but with my job and having PTSD. Luckily for me I had a Therapy session already scheduled and we had a plan to talk about my self criticism but I needed much more after experiencing the level of panic attack I have never achieved before. Yes, achieved is a positive spin on what’s going on in my head. I know the specific warning signs now and know how to get through it (and everyone else involved) in one piece.

My therapist noticed that I was rocking and wringing my hands and instead of asking me if I was OK (which is bothersome to me sometimes simply because people wouldn’t be able to understand the word vomit that would spew forth), he simply asked what was bothering me. This is a language I can understand and can’t shut it down with a simple, ‘fine’ or ‘nothing’. I explained in great detail and I came to an epiphany. Just because I feel something doesn’t make it true. Think about it, how many times have you felt like a failure and stayed in a repetitive cycle because your feelings felt were to be true? SO…this is something that I am now working on. FEELINGS ARE NOT GOSPEL – my mantra today.

I felt better after leaving but still felt like I had a monkey on my back. After sulking and replaying the events of the day that I had at work I realized I had another life changing decision to make: Do I keep going to a job I loathe with every part of my being, to quit? If I quit, do I do it 2 week notice style? Or do I deliberately try to get fired. Being in the career field that I am in, it’s competitive and unfortunately the younger you are, the less money you’ll work for and replace us dinosaurs.

P.S. I hate being an adult sometimes.

April 26, 2017

Artboard 2@72x-100Seeing as this is my first journal entry how about a little background info? I’m a graphic designer for a family owned sports apparel business. Basically, younger blood is moving in as the baby boomers are moving out. Don’t get me wrong, I was raised to respect my elders and after today I was REALLY put to the test.

Despite the fact that I am not doing the job that I was hired for so I’m making the best out of that, I also have to deal with one elderly person in particular slandering my throughout the factory and other buildings. How did I find out about this you may ask? I was approached by one of my hiring managers asking if I have had a problem with request forms with this elderly person. I simply told him that I haven’t had any problems but now he informed me that she was trashing mouthing me to other people I simply told him that her and I DO have a problem now.

I didn’t hear much else after that as my head was flooded with buzzing white noise and all I could see was his lips moving. I forced my head to nod every now and then and he left the room. Left me to my body tensing, vision blurring, and my rapid breathing. I noticed that I started rubbing my hands on my jeans and rocking back and forth and IMMEDIATELY knew that I was headed for a full blown panic attack. I was able to get to my purse and take my medication which I now have to depend quite heavily and REALLY wish I had my service dog but relied on how fast the pharmaceutical would hit my system.

I began to relax and then started to cry because all I could feel was that I was a failure that I MUST have done my job wrong for her to talk about me like that. So I came home and did something positive. Instead of crawling in bed and crying and sleeping, I started setting up my blog. And here it is, my first blog post. Something positive out of something so negative.

I hope that tomorrow will be better and I hope that I can keep my tongue from spitting venom and my body from reacting the way it does to something as simple as basic workplace drama.

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