What is wrong with me?

I find that I’m asking myself more and more this month. I had HUGE plans for everything that I wanted to do and complete. The goals that I’ve set for myself are falling by the wayside. I sat down to write yesterday for Fenton and it was GARBAGE! Nothing made sense and it seemed like it was dragging on and on and not going anywhere. Is Fenton even worth pursuing? I would like to think so but I wasn’t feeling it. Was it because I’m not feeling good? Distracted?

I’m behind on my painting and doodles and it all just feels like I’m drowning. Then to throw in the mix learning about Norse mythology, gardening, weaving PLUS dieting; I think I bit off more than I can chew. Or did I? Do I just stop writing altogether and let my blog go dormant? (I REALLY don’t want to do that.)

I need to figure out what I REALLY want to do…priorities. Is there a way I can earn a wage, stay home, and do what I love? If I wasn’t at work all day I might be able to get everything done that I want along with exploring new things. Write or not to write?

It’s All in the Details

This morning I was up and going for my walk before 5am. I was actually excited about that. But I was even more excited that I have points from yesterday (WW Freestyle does that) but was soon more angry than anything that it only rolls over 4, not 11! Coming from a chick that loves to cook southern food and eat it, I felt so cheated! But I will take my 4 thank you and make the best out of them.

The app allows me to scan foods and see what points they add up too. This includes meals, single ingredients, and even alcohol. My morning began with a morning walk and coffee afterward. I scoured their recipe app and found pancakes that I wanted to make. I didn’t have all the ingredients that were on the list but found substitutions that even lowered the meal points. In doing so I indulge in 1 point each of sugar-free syrup and no salt butter with olive oil. I add blueberries and let me tell you-YUM!!! It took me almost 30 minutes to figure out ingredients, substitutions, and calculating measurements but in the end, I had a great indulging breakfast and leftovers for me to just heat up in the morning.

After breakfast, I started researching on my idea, got bored, and completed my art challenges. I was relaxed and in the zone and the time just got away from me. I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted a Bloody Mary but know that there isn’t a bartender in my neck of the woods that would make one the way I needed (specific to my diet) let alone have the ingredients. With my husband in tow (it’s a holiday weekend and the liquor store was going to be busy), armed with my app, I was able to find a vodka that was only 2 points a serving. The mix was the difficult part. What I usually put in these drinks I couldn’t have but learned that Zing Zang mix was 1 point but that was only for 3 Fl Oz so I I doubled that using a total of 2 points. I added regular tomato juice to it (not a full serving) which was another point. In the end, my drink ended up being 5 freaking delicious points that I do not regret! I made myself some egg salad ( and again I didn’t have all the right ingredients and used substitutions) and after some searching and calcualtions, I had a filling 2 point lunch. Still not the same as what I usually make but I’ll take it.

After lunch, I thought I would try my hand at painting outside. It was up to 100° and the water was just drying the minute it hit the page. I did the next best thing and found a reference photo and went to town. I’m tickled at how well this turned out. I realized that today consisted mostly of me paying attention to the little things. All in all, a good day but what I would kill for a loaded baked tater with all the fixin’s! If you would like the recipe that includes the substitutions for what I did just let me know. Have a great night everyone!

May 18th

I haven’t done a journal entry in a while. Today I woke up and took my walk and instead of telling myself that all the hard work will pay off it came out, ‘what the hell’s the point?’ I was being awful to myself. Getting to work, drinking coffee, and completing my daily tasks then my nemesis came into the art room. Believe me when I say I would much rather eat glass then help her with ANYTHING but that’s not being an adult (which is a BS by the way) so I helped her.

Having to deal with that and already being hard on myself I decided to take the rest of the day off. I SO wanted to come home and lay in bed. I pulled into the driveway and even headed to my room when I remembered that I needed another watercolor journal. I couldn’t do tonight’s challenge without one. Do I go to bed and fall into the depressive state that my mind needed or shop for my journal that my soul needed?

Next thing I know I’m in the art supply store. I felt better with my journal in hand but was stopped by a sale on a travel case of Winsor & Newton cake palette of 14. ‘You can’t afford to travel anywhere why in the hell do you need those?!’ That’s what I heard in my head. Then I told myself I don’t need to travel far just get out and paint. I am now the proud owner of new travel paints and smaller travel book (50% off I wasn’t going to pass).

Got home, cleaned up, cooked dinner, and got an amazing surprise. A fellow blogger honored me with, ‘Nice job, you’ve obtained this week’s GOLD badge!’ Talk about the boost I needed to keep going this afternoon. Matthew over at Normal Happenings is the positive breath of fresh air that I needed. Wander through his proverbial blog stacks and get lost. He’s also a fellow graphic designer which explains my draw to his newspaper style font.

I still feel like I want to crawl into bed and that’s ok too. I’m not pretending that everything is fine but I know that things will get better. Have a great evening ya’ll.

Quick Writing and Watercolor

Last night my little guy was sick. Let’s just say the aftermath called for the carpet shampooer. This morning he woke up feeling better until he ate. Another shampooing moment. When he took a nap I stole a moment to write. Then a quick watercolor. Those Dr. Ph Martin’s watercolors are great and worth the money. My water is just about clear! Yes, I rinsed the brushes but I didn’t use much pigment. I think that if I did there would be more color in the water. The effect created is soothing.

The brightness is cheery against the attitude of the house and the cold dreary day outside. I think I will do my own giveaway for some of these watercolors. Or maybe some journaling supplies. I have a month of A to Z challenge and would love to have this giveaway contest going for the month. I just need to figure out how and for what. Oh, it will cost nothing to any of my readers or anyone wanting to participate but maybe some time. Like a short story, poem, doodle, painting…A little on the fence about this.

March 24th, 2018

Life Happens…I guess?

I had a wonderful day yesterday with writing and doodling. Lots of ideas were just running in through my head. Both beautiful and dark images, stories outside of my normal writing, and cake baking. By the way, the cake was something that reminded me of the chocolate cakes filled with cream from when I was younger. Ding Dongs were awesome once a week treat that my grandmother snuck to us kids.

Being on cloud nine handled every emergency that the company threw at me until an hour before I had to leave for my creative weekend. This person walked in with 20 art requests for customers that she had been sitting on for a week! While I was sometimes needing work or overwhelmed with it, she was walking around talking and having a great time as her supervisor was gone. Furious wouldn’t be able to describe how I was feeling. I ended up having to work late with my anxiety level at a 10.

My husband had a surprise when I came home which made my evening a little better. He had purchased the watercolors, inks, and markers I had been wanting since I first started playing with paints. I was like a kid that just got her deluxe box of crayons. He managed to pull me away long enough to take me out for a burger. Now, I’ve had a gastric bypass and there certain things that I stopped eating since and burgers are one. Let me tell you the rare burger with bleu cheese and caramelized onions cooked perfectly rare hit the spot. When we got home it was late and that’s when I learned that I would either need a bigger area to write and paint or get better organized. That’s when I announced to the kids if we are going to go out to breakfast it would have to be early in the morning so I can get back in time to play with the paints. It didn’t go as planned.

I was the only one that woke in time to a still sleeping house. I was actually woken by a flashback. I painted my dream took a minute more to myself and wrote my 6-word story. I crawled into bed when my husband decided to get up. I told him it was getting too late and I wouldn’t have time to do anything. I was really pouting because where he wanted to go was an hour drive. Let’s just say we didn’t get home until after lunch and I still had to set up my desk. Now that everything is in place I plan on working on some writing and then paint tomorrow.

So, life happened and I didn’t get to do things how I planned but it all worked out. So far if all goes well my plans are to paint tomorrow and minor writing.

Chewed Achievement

Now it takes a lot for me to muster any motivation to create any type of artwork so I decided to follow a tutorial. I wanted to paint something

abstract and practice using a pallet knife. I have seen some gorgeous multi-color paintings and would really like to get that good at it but I thought baby steps. What I like about this tutorial was the pop of red for the poppies against a really dark/light grungy looking background. SO I said hey why not. It only took me 30 minutes to complete with the help of my hair dryer and turned out great.

Well, my painting was sitting on the table (waiting for me to give to a friend) when my family and I decided to start deep cleaning. Without thinking, I started to clean the table with the help of my youngest daughter and she asked where to put the painting. My bed seemed like a great choice as I would bring it back out and put on the table. During the chaos, clean clothes were being tossed on top of the painting. How this equaled a chewed achievement was a simple formula. 1 unaccounted for pit bull puppy+clean clothes pile on bed+painting hidden underneath=puppy search and destroy. 

At least I took a picture before it was used as a puppy teething ring and I feel confident enough to do one better. There is always room for improvement. I need to use a larger canvas, brighter red, and more of a rocking motion with the pallet knife.

If you would like to try the painting for yourself here is the link.

GOOD LUCK!

A Dark Time – Breakdown

In my other posts through my Journal entries it seems like my husband and I have a perfect relationship but that’s not entirely true. There are plenty of unpleasant times specially with me having C-PTSD. There is a difference between this and PTSD but I’m not going into to much medical terminology as this is not meant to be a medical blog by no means. It’s for me to express myself through writing (which I’m also in the middle of adding to a story I started and posting in first draft format).

My husband and I had a huge falling out because of my mental breakdown. He just accepted a new position at work that causes long hours during the week and almost every Saturday away. For me, naturally, I thought that he was cheating or seeing someone else because of the lack of intimacy and time together. All of these thoughts in my head combined with him not being around and feeling like he had to walk on egg shells around me (hardly talking included) was the perfect recipe for me to have complete mental breakdown.

The night I told him to leave and he actually did was (I didn’t know at the time) EXACTLY what I needed. I know you’re thinking, ‘she’s nuts! Why would her husband leaving be something that she needed?!’. In my state of mind feeling lost, hopeless, just a nobody, failure, and why should I even be here on this earth, I found clarity through fog. I had a friend that literally talked me off the ledge and gave me the incentive to call the doctor. Of course, here a patient needs a referral to the mental health clinic and my family doctor didn’t have any appointments available. This sent me over the edge but the receptionist asked me to come in ASAP and they would fit me in regardless as it was an emergency. Right away I was asked what was happening. I was fidgeting, crying, BP was through the roof along with my heart rate. I was immediately placed on medication which helped. Over the next week I was feeling better and finally was able to ask my husband if we could talk. Long story short-he came home. I told him it was going to be difficult but I will try as long as he did. This lasted a week. The incident started over something as simple as choosing somewhere to eat for breakfast. I couldn’t decide. I wanted him to make the decision and asked him to choose as we would go anywhere he wanted. He couldn’t decide and that threw me into a panic attack. I calmed down after taking my medication and when we got home I needed to paint.

I had no inspiration or motivation but I needed to do something to take my mind off of feeling like a failure. I wanted something dark but light at the same time. Something that was positive in it’s own way. I put paint to canvas and ended up with a mass of black, white, and grey and decided to find something online. Something that I didn’t have to really think about or stress over and ended up at YouTube. There was a woman, Jane, doing acrylic tutorials and found one that had a girl walking through a raining dark city but light in the direction she was walking. It only took me 30 minutes to complete BUT it was 30 minutes of therapy that I needed. I was able to control my breathing that helped calm me down. It kept my mind in one place focusing on the task at hand. It helped get a brush back in my hand and even work with new tools. Jane’s tutorial helped me accomplish more than just a painting. I encourage you to look through her tutorials and possibly find a new hobby.

Painting and writing has helped me cope with certain things and has helped my husband notice my ticks and triggers to offer advice and comfort. Jane, I’m sure without her knowledge, is helping me in more ways than just painting.

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