February 22, 2018

Sometimes I feel like I set unrealistic goals or I want to try and tackle so many things but never follow through to the end. Then there are times that I think about starting something and how great I would be at it or how great it would be for me to attempt and NEVER even try. How do I find a happy medium? Do I stop reaching for the stars? Do I try everything and anything I think of? So, I think all my hairbrained ideas are worth attempting and it’s ok to fail. It’s ok to fail as long as I try again and again. With my anxiety shutting so much of my aspirations down, it’s time to try and stick up for what I want to do and achieve.

Progress

My reading log is going great. I met my goal of 2 books for the month of February. I know I caved when I got Jane Eyre in audiobook format. I realized with my attention span and my spastic brain tap outs, it would be best. Jane Eyre was inspiring to say the least. To be able to recognize bad situations and knowing your worth is something to be desired, well for me at least. In the end, she got was she wanted and knew she deserved. Feeling accomplished I created my March month pages in my journal and will try for three books but will be excited with two.

I still haven’t had a cigarette so that’s going great. The smell of smoke on other people is sickening and I freak out thinking that’s how I use to smell to non-smokers. My diet, let’s just say I try and slip, try and fail, but I am still trying.

Being creative is something that I am trying to do every day and unfortunately, I haven’t painted since that last loose watercolor. I have, however, made origami Hawaiian shirts for the Hawaiian day. Today at work it was Hawaiian day and I thought that it would be nice to do something for the people I work with and hopefully bring a smile to their face. It felt good to hear them get giddy over something as simple as folded paper.

I also wanted to do a daily doodle book. I don’t let my inner child out enough and I don’t allow myself to fail. I know that sounds weird but I need to fail to learn to get better. I also need to find my own style and artistic voice.

Then I thought about NaNo (National Novel) Writing Month. Then I thought, “What the hell?! I’m not a writer and I have no business participating.” I talked to my husband and he said is that my insecurities and my head thinking for me or is that something I really believe. I have been writing and even submitting a piece to another blog (it hasn’t been chosen and probably won’t be). I got over that fear so why not this? I took the first steps and signed up for my NaNo account through the NaNo site. I know it may not seem like much but that is a huge step for me.

Yes, my husband is still fighting the flu and the doctor hasn’t cleared him to work yet. Today is our anniversary but I was happy with ordering pizza and working on things I have been putting off such as my reading log and writing a journal entry. This weekend I have project plans. Creating my daily doodle log, try to create something with my Indian Ink, and generate ideas for my NaNo project (which I am scared to death and don’t have the slightest clue to what I am doing). I know I can’t start writing until November but that doesn’t mean that I can’t plan.

Did I bite off more than I can chew, you bet your ass! Am I going to fail? Probably. Will I quit? No. Don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t be afraid of goals. Don’t be afraid of accomplishments.

February 16th, 2018

2/14

I kept myself from posting on Valentine’s and even the day after. Much disappointment overwhelmed me and I ended up in an early to bed puddle of tears and snot. No writing, no drawing, no painting, no date, no card, and I even cooked dinner to boot. Yup, my husband dropped the ball BIG TIME. We are on an extremely tight budget but there are wonderful things that can be done and made to make your significant other feel loved and special. I hand painted a card for him with watercolor (a new medium I’m really trying to hone and perfect) and was super proud of the poem that I even wrote inside. I could see his face drop as he didn’t have anything for me. I tried not to make him feel worse than he already did. He’s a man and he thinks that romance is only in movies. So yeah, I ended up with the covers over my head overthinking and sinking into the arms of depression. I just let it happen because you can only fake being strong for so long until something breaks the facade.

During the day I had to turn off my phone and didn’t turn on the TV after hearing about the shooting in Florida. My heart is breaking for the friends and loved ones of the victims. How many more mass and school shootings are going to occur before something is done? Yes, I know of the political and bureaucratic BULLSHIT that is blocking a lot of the answers but what can we do? I can keep my children home and deny them the experience of socialization. I would gladly do that if I could make money from my art and writing. But not fair to them.

2/15

So, the day after he sent flowers and a bear to where I work. I appreciated them, I did but it doesn’t make up for me feeling hurt or forgotten. It doesn’t help that morning while getting my son ready for school was him talking about his, ‘Code Red’ procedures. It made him feel better to say it out loud. His little reminder that he really knew what to do in case something happened. All I could see was a piece of his childhood, his innocence fading from my sweet little 8-year-old. I hugged him tighter than usual and told him that he will have a safe and fun day. I also reminded him when he got home that he was going to help me cook dinner. It made both of us feel that the day will go on without anything tragic happening. How do I keep the monsters at bay so he can grow up to love? While at work I wrote my first short story that was 1000 words. I decided how else am I going to get out of my writer’s shell? Left work, got gas, picked up kids, went to get dog food, got home, cooked dinner with my son, got my new phone, nightcap with the husband after and bed.

Today

Today while we are slow here at work I’m making Origami Hawaiin shirts to go on our door for everyone to take on the companies Hawaiin Day. I thought it will bring a smile to people and even though it’s small and trivial it’s something that is created and given by me for a second of tiny fun for them. I have also decided to make them more festive I’m going to purchase cheap scrapbooking paper with bright flowers and colors for the shirts and work on them over the weekend. Tonight if everything goes to plan I will be attending my very first local film festival.

Things that I have learned about myself this week:

  • Writing 1000 words is difficult but rewarding
  • It’s ok to comment on other people’s blogs
  • It’s ok to follow other people’s blogs even though it has nothing to do with my writing content (I enjoy learning new things from other people including perspectives)
  • Need to find my writing style
  • Quitting smoking was a great idea but HARD to stick too
  • It’s ok to be critical of myself and work but not so much that I don’t complete a project
  • I really enjoy doing and giving
  • Its ok to let my son be a kid and tell him that it’s ok in this world

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