Letting Go; 18,000 Pieces at a Time

Remember when I wrote something about going to the library with the husband? The trip sparked 2 ideas/goals and a new found love for books. I don’t have time to read but I have 8 hours a day at where I work to listen. We aren’t supposed to listen to audiobooks but I do anyways…or now I do. I’m almost done with an Anne Rice novel and I forgot how much I enjoyed her style. I wish I could write like her but in shorter stories. There’s one.

Two is the library hosts their own quilt show/contest. Oh my! The talent in some these quilts. Next years theme is Flowers and I really REALLY want to enter but the problem is I don’t know how to quilt. Not like what was on display there. So, do I get a machine and try or just put that thought on the back burner? I’m looking into second-hand sewing machines and will YouTube the S*!+ out of the subject and even get to the library for how to books.

Three. The biggy. Picture it, the South, the early 2000s. I’m in my first trimester with a sibling for my other kiddos. Money is tight for my young family both parents not experienced enough to deal with adult responsibilities. The military pay wasn’t all that great, especially for our growing family and I offered to get a job at a local restaurant. My husband at that time had FORBIDDEN me to work. I was lucky I could leave the house, truth be told. He had been hoarding a clothing allowance that he received for almost a year. It was HIS money. It was ALL HIS MONEY. I woke up one morning and purchased a $350 18,000 piece puzzle. Believe me, I paid for it later but not with money.

Now, almost 11 years later this puzzles sits at the top of my closet. Only opened once to see what it looked like inside. A box of bad memories and pain just sitting and collecting dust. I noticed when visiting the library that there was a puzzle in the back area on a table being put together. I had asked about it and the librarian said it was sometimes put together by the staff, sometimes it was put together by other people. ‘Would the library take a donation in the form of a puzzle?’ I knew when I asked she probably thought that there were pieces missing or that it was in rough shape. The shock on her face when my husband carried in the puzzle. It was heavy for me but he carried it in like a bale of hay.

‘The box looks a little rough. It has traveled with me, baggage if you will for over 11 years. The four sections are bagged separately. Each section to a bag. This is number 17 out of 8216 puzzles made and the shipping slips show that it’s from Germany originally. There’s a certificate of authenticity and a poster for image reference. Can the library use it? It will finish 9 feet wide by 6 feet tall.’ She was overwhelmed and excited to receive it and the only thing I asked was to see it if and when it’s finished. She didn’t need to know the history of the puzzle.

I feel lighter. A reminder of past pain and abuse (both emotional, mental, and physical) related to that box is gone. I don’t need to hold on to it and something awesomely great will come from it. The beauty of the craftsmanship of the puzzle will FINALLY be put together. I still have a lot of healing to do and this was a great step forward.

Weighing In on Weighing In: Sabotage Wk 16

Just because you don’t post it doesn’t mean it’s not real…I know I didn’t post about my weigh-in yesterday but I did weigh in. Before I go into my goals and what I plan on doing differently, I would like to say that I know how to sabotage myself. I did it out of comfort and depression. Going from feeling like I can handle anything to I’m the worst person in the world.

Yes, my daughter had a miscarriage and we were all sad but she has her whole life ahead of her. I gave her my sympathy but also encouraged her to go to school. The same day that this occurred she was moving. She canceled the move back with us and instead in Texas because she told me her fiancé found a job there. I accepted that at face value and something nagged at me…why Texas? That’s when the truth came out. She found her biological father. I’m ok with that as she is doing something that I could never get him to do which is acknowledge her as his daughter. He signed his rights over because he couldn’t afford $32 a week. My father and uncle helped me while I went to work to help raise her. She literally slapped everyone in the face in the family with this move but what’s worse is she lied about it. I have completely written her off at the moment. I’m hurt and betrayed. Am I wrong? Probably but the truth is, I’m happier not worrying or thinking about her. Ultimately this is her decision and she is an adult.

With the emotional week, I did overeat, slept in, not walk, and didn’t really take care of myself. Why am I letting so much dictate my feelings? I know I can be stronger than that. I have woken up early and walked on the treadmill and making sure I eat a proper meal and stay within my points. My husband has been a HUGE support as he didn’t let me pick up smoking because of stress and compromised my wanting a HUNK of chocolate cake with a lower point chocolate chip cookie (and still stayed within my points). I ate soup that I prepared and froze and indulged in good fats in moderation (so far). I learned what self-sabotage is and trying my best to recognize this.

My Recipe of the week:
Let get real…pumpkin EVERYTHING is EVERYWHERE and even earlier this year. I see more sweet than savory recipes but it’s getting to be soup weather and played with pumpkin soup. I know…’eww’ you’re probably saying to yourself. Pumpkin is a very versatile ingredient and is REALLY good savory.
You’ll need:

  • 1 Can pumpkin (not seasoned or sweetened)
  • 1 Onion
  • 3 Cups low sodium chicken broth
  • 1 Can White Cannellini beans or your favorite white bean
  • 1 Tablespoon of chopped garlic (I used more because I love garlic)
  • Sage, salt and pepper to taste
  • Blender or food processor

Spray pot with cooking spray and sauté onion and garlic until the onion is translucent. Add pumpkin, broth, and beans. Simmer for 30 minutes. In small batches blend soup and add back into the pot and add seasoning. Simmer for 20 more minutes. It’s filling and I have added grilled chicken breast for more protein and my own toasted croutons.

6 Word Story: 8/14

Today’s prompt was a great way for me to reminisce about things and people I use to cling to but also the ones that I just let go. Sometimes the decisions weren’t always right and it has taken me a long time to get right with a lot from my past. Most, self-induced.


Prompt: Cling

Right or wrong; hang onto conviction.

Saying ‘Bye’ Feels Trip

I know it’s sappy and all but today is the first day for all my kids to head back to school. It’s harder this time because my youngest son doesn’t need or want his mom to walk with him. Trust me-I didn’t sign up for this feels trip. It just comes with the territory of being a parent. All I can ask for is that they are safe and happy their first day. If not…I pity the person who caused otherwise.


Bye, Have a Good Day

You’re Happy and I’m reflective
You left excitedly and I stayed behind
I let go with pride

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