Kids Are Painful

Having children is painful and I don’t mean labor and delivery. I don’t mean lack of sleep and stubbing your toe trying to get the infant back to their crib. I’m not even talking about the sore back from toting a toddler that went full ‘dead weight’ and needing to be carried. I’m talking about the cathartic pain of not being able to save them from themselves. The pain of watching them make mistakes and there is nothing that can be done to stop them. My daughter is a train ready to derail and completely cause catastrophic damage from which nothing can be brought back. I know that sounds dramatic but I’m literally watching a train wreck in the process.

She’s been through a lot (that’s her own doing which she needs to own) and it started with the pregnancy. Yes, I was furious that this happened but I also knew her capabilities and his. I also knew that the man that she chose wasn’t really a man but rather a ball of unknowing. Then I learned that her fiance had found a job and that they were moving closer to where the job is located all after suffering a miscarriage. I’m not talking a week or day…it was mere hours. I was upset that she didn’t have time to grieve. Then we learned that she found her biological father and that they were headed that way. The ‘job’ that she lied to me about was basically her fiance working in a garage while they lived with her 1/2 sibling. Yes, it was a huge betrayal. Her biological father didn’t want ANYTHING to do with her for YEARS. He even signed his rights over to my ex-husband so he didn’t have to pay $24 a week in child support. Needless to say, I was crushed and told her only to contact during an emergency.

The last couple of weeks I noticed that her social media didn’t include loving pictures of the happy couple with her new found family. I also saw posts about being alone and sorrowful words. What do I do? I message her and ask if she’s OK. This was my mistake as he blew up. I told her OK, you know how to get a hold of me when you’re ready. Then yesterday I got a message from her apologizing. She apologized for how she talked to me and how she let her now EX fiance speak to me. I got the usual, ‘you were right, mom but I have a plan’ speech. I learned that she and her now EX drove back home together and went separate ways. Instead of going to her dad’s (my ex not her bio dad) she lived out of her car until one of her friends said she could move in. Then her car was stolen which is where she kept ALL her important documents. This happened over the course of 3 days! This is a lot but then it hit me…she’s going to be like my sister. Hopping from place to place with ridiculous ideas and quick fixes.

Her new plan is to go to Colorado where they have classes to teach her coping skills. I get it, she’s been through a lot. She wants to feel like herself again. There is no one in Colorado to be her security net when it’s needed. I offered (I didn’t push) for her to come home and we could help her. She declined and I’m OK with that. What I’m not OK with is I know how this is going to turn out. It’s painful to let her make these mistakes and in this day in age, it can be fatal. All I can do is keep an open line of communication and let her make her mistakes. She’s an adult. A young ill-equipt adult but one nonetheless.

When did you have the ‘aha’ moment with your kids? The moment that you realized you have to let them make their own trainwrecks?

Happy Wednesday everyone.


Not Good Mommy

I could write about how I handle (or not handle) kids tantrums or how I feel like a failure when my kids threw one in stores. Or how about describing the dirty looks from other parents as my child is rolling around on the floor because I told them that there weren’t any spirally shaped popsicles and it was my fault. Nope, I’m going to tell you how GOOD it felt to throw a tantrum. I’m ready to throw one now-I don’t negotiate with terrorists.  I have an 8-year old that is crying because I have grounded him from his XBox, Kindle, playing outside with friends, and dessert tonight. Harsh? Not a chance! But that’s for a different story.

I was with my ex and had three very young children in tote ranging from diapers to 5-year-old fierceness heading to the grocery store. In reality, that place is actually a timed gauntlet for parents to run when kids are with. I needed to get something for dinner. We (my now-ex and I) were tired of chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, and other kid-friendly foods. I wanted a vegetable that I didn’t have to refer to as a ‘tree’ so you can eat knowledge or carrots to help you find bunnies. A protein that required more than a bit of time in the oven to crisp the breading on a dinosaur shape. I always gave in and cooked foods that I knew the kids would eat and mealtimes were quiet but I was going to shake things up.

I chose thinly sliced steak for beef fajitas passing the hot dogs. Mistake 1. I grabbed tortillas, black beans, rice, and fajita seasoning passing the taco shells. Mistake 2. This is where my fierce 5-year-old launched the first attack of 20 questions food and what she and her siblings like to eat. I answered as non-descript as I could still having hope they will eat the dinner. I grabbed onions, bell peppers, tomatoes, and avocados. Mistake 3. I told them no to berries, watermelon, grapes, and oranges explaining that they have apples and grapes at the house that they needed to finish. This was the mistake 4 and the reason for my toddler to throw herself on the floor. She rolled, she turned, she kicked, and screamed like a banshee caught in a net! I was doing ok. I maintained my cool, picked her up off the floor, got down to her level and explained that this was unacceptable behavior. Good right? Wrong. As her infant sister and older sister watched my toddler grabbed the strawberries and defiantly threw them in the buggy, stuck her chin out and walked ahead of me. She strutted around proud that she just seemingly put mommy in her place. I called her name for her to watch me take the fruit out of the basket and placed them back on the shelf.

I know, you’re thinking, ‘They were just strawberries. Spend the few bucks and maintain peace.’ No, I refuse to have an acceptable level of being a toddlers toy that she can manipulate, disobey, and defy. This action sent her on a blind range of running through the produce section making sure to knock down the apples, onions, and whatever round fruit she could until I was able to grab her. This was round two rolling around on the floor. I looked at everyone staring at me, the overcome prompting employees to come help with the cleanup, and my other two watching in disbelief. It was a lot. I could’ve scooped her up and took all the kids to the car. I could have bargained with her, hell I could’ve spanked her (if it was me and I did that my mom would have opted for that) instead I threw myself on the floor. I was already a spectacle why not go all out? I rolled, I kicked, and I screamed. The only sound in the store was me and I have to admit that was a great stress reliever. When I was done I looked at my oldest who looked like she wished someone would kidnap her and my toddler was mortified.

I stood up with a feeling of inner peace and as I took the few steps I needed to reach her my focus was on the lesson. She took a step back as I kneeled down to her level. ‘[My child’s name] how do you feel?’ I asked. ‘Bad. Not good mommy’ ‘Bad because your mommy threw a fit?’ she nodded. ‘What you’re feeling is shame and embarrassment. It doesn’t feel good does it?’ she shook her head no. This is what mommy feels like when you do the same thing. It doesn’t get you anything you want. You need to learn to deal with someone telling you no. As you get older you’ll understand.’ After that day she never threw a tantrum and learned that I have my reasons for saying, ‘no’ or asking nicely may get you something else. Side note, those floors in grocery stores are filthy. I don’t recommend rolling around on them.

June 19th, 2017

After the Storm-Another Storm

Last Thursday we had a tornado outbreak in the state I live. Tornadoes do not frighten me. I’m mean hell, I grew up in Tornado Alley in Texas. It seemed like without fail we would have one that would touch down and bounce of the alley walls. I became accustomed to the urgent routine of safety and the familiar tell tale sign of the smell of sulfur and the green (GREEN) tint to the sky. Our family Rottweilers would calmly walk to my dad and nudge him towards the center hallway WAY before the sirens would scream. During my first marriage, we lived in Florida gaining experience through tropical storms and hurricanes. So when I was told to wait out the storm and then leave for home, that was not an option for me. I have a younger son with his high school sister at home and I knew little man was freaking out. I threw open the office door and made a dash for my car. The winds nearly blew me over (I only had 15 feet to go) but I was able to not go ass over teeth and dove into the car. The humidity caused my windows to fog but I used my sleeve to wipe off the windshield. I turned my lights on and headed the distance of two blocks to my house. Wipers were working overtime and if it hadn’t been for cars pulled over on the side of the road I wouldn’t have known where it was. The sky was BLACK and the wind caused the rain to sheet across the road. Debris was dancing in the road and in the air above the car causing small clashes of sound and ringing in the air. The thunder was crashing and the lightning didn’t want to be outdone by mere sound of thunder and became brighter with more brilliant streaks of light juxtaposed to the menacing sable sky. I made it home just in time for the electric to go out and to comfort my son who was absolutely terrified. My teen was trying her best but this was a job for mommy.

Electric Tapped Out

After the storm passed, I called the electric company. I wanted to make sure it was out because of the storm and not because of an ordered disconnect. I knew I paid the bill close to shut off date, but paid nonetheless. It was the storm. I had an estimate time of 2-4 hours but was instructed to check the outage map since it’s updated every 15 minutes. I thought,’Sweet! No one open the fridge or freezer and we’ll be fine.’ Boy was I WRONG! After hearing that it could only take just a couple of hours I thought I would splurge a little and take the kids out to dinner because at this point

Darlington funnel cloud (PHOTO: AJ Waterman)

it’s close to dinner time and if I don’t get them fed soon, they would start setting small fires and trying to eat cooked bugs! I checked the map at dinner and it showed a later time so we went to Walmart and got oil for the oil laps and a deck of Uno cards. You never know how savage your kids can be until someone throws out a draw 4 card. We drove around our neighborhood and seen the destruction from the storms first hand and I was only thankful that no one was seriously injured. 3 electric poles in our neighborhood went toe to toe with the storm and lost. They were either broken in half or had a huge limb power drive the line into the ground. So…at first the map showed 4-6 hours then it turned into 6-8 hours THEN it turned into 3 AM only to graduate to 3 PM. Oh I was so upset and anxious. We had just spent quite a bit of money purchasing groceries now that we were just caught up on bills and were actually comfortable since my husband lost his job. Heartbroken occurred when I learned my husband didn’t opt in for the renters insurance when we got the new vehicle last year. So, we lost the dairy and lunch meats but managed to have everything in the deep freeze go unscathed but we still took a loss. No one was there to help. I decided that I will no longer help anyone out monetary wise EVER again. Our electric finally came alive at 2:15ish PM the next day. Oh the mess that had to be cleaned up and the grumbling tummies had to be silenced. I don’t know how we did it but I was able to cook dinner from what was in the cabinets and freezer.

There was no writing to be done that week. Worrying, running around trying to get things figured out, working, depression, and anxiety had taken a hold of me and it was all I could do to keep it together for my family. But I’m really distracted at work today so I will be writing a bit here and there and hopefully get some things posted.

hehe I was just busted.

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