Bummer…Spamming Hopes SUCK!

I allowed myself to get excited for a second when I received an email to be a guest blog author for a certain blog. I should have known that it wasn’t legit! First, I didn’t follow the blog nor did it follow mine. As you, my readers, know that I post photos, some artwork, my Havamal study, short stories,  and journal stuff (like weight loss and this post just to example a bit) and nothing really to do with the subject matter of this blog. I have been wanting to guest post on other blogs, submit short stories, you know to gain some confidence and exposure. This wasn’t it. This was a big ol’ slab of SPAM!

I checked out the blog when I noticed that it doesn’t have any of my interests posted or even in the same genre of things I like. When asked what would be given for my time the reply was, gratitude and free hosting.’ WTF! I already pay for mine and I have tons of posts and readers that follow me and I follow them some of which I feel are great blogging friends. Why would I write for a no-name blog that barely has 5 posts?

My excitement went to feeling like guest writing/blogging will never be a goal that I’ll meet to screw it…moving on. Has anyone else experienced this type of spam?

I’m NOT A Bad Person

This little affirmation that I say to myself on a regular bases just wasn’t cutting it for me. I could say it then I would feel that it wasn’t true by  the actions of other people, family, husband, coworkers-hell even the dog at times. I know that they are probably not thinking this but let’s face it…people like me can’t shake that feeling.

For the past month I have felt like poo and needed to do something to lift my spirits but to teach my kids a lesson since lately they have been getting down right spoiled and bratty (both my husband’s and mine fault…which I will own). I loaded everyone up on a cold Saturday before I had to go into work and went for a 30 minute drive to the animal shelter.

Here we played with dogs and cats then we sponsored a precious pit mix. The kids wanted to take her home but I stood my ground. We were there to sponsor her adoption fee. That way we are giving her a chance for a home before Christmas and the family a Christmas present. All the prospective family would have to is pass the requirements for adoption and give her a loving home. The kids really wanted her but understood that we have our fur-babies at home that need all of our love, support and attention.

Then I got the email letting us know that our sponsored puppy got her home for Christmas. Now the kids want to sponsor more. This lifted all of our spirits. That makes me feel better now if I only had the money to sponsor one shelter a month. That’s for me to figure out another time. Do you do any charity work or give to charity to feel human?

No Words Other than F&*%

I’m absolutely at a lost for words. My adventure of having my dog, Clover trained as my much needed service dog has come to a complete F*&%ING HALT! I’m at a lost for words and my hyperventilation in a brown paper bag isn’t much help either.

She completed the first step of obedience 1 class when she became pregnant and had to take a break from Petco’s AKC Good Citizen test training. Her passing this class was the last step before her service dog training. I found a trainer (at the time) that was willing to work out payments with me and EVERYTHING has fallen apart!

I tried setting up a time for Clover to come back for her CGC training but was informed to much time has gone by and I would not only have to pay for her Obedience 1 again but wait for the next class…never mind that I have already paid for her CGC training. Frustrated but still had my wits about me I called the certified individual that will no longer take payments and doesn’t have the room for Clover in upcoming classes! This is when I threw my phone across the house broke down and started crying uncontrollably like a child that has been denied their blanket. Only…it’s not because I’m spoiled. It’s because my sense of being protected at all times and comfort has been ripped away.

So myself and my husband started calling around and not only are people not willing to workout payment plans, some only do service dogs for veterans and won’t consider my CPTSD as a legitimately valid diagnoses or issue to train my dog, one even asked for proof! Proof?! I have it on a medical document that I have it but it’s PRIVATE! They want to see a private medical document?! MY OWN HUSBAND doesn’t know every detail of what happened to me let alone my doctors! I’m still trying to trust my therapist! WTF! WTF! At this point I had torn up my kitchen looking for a small brown paper bag to breathe into and curled up on the floor making the bag pulsate with every heave of my chest. Clover climbed in my lap and pressed against me with her head on my shoulder. I started to calm into soft tears.

I don’t know what to do. Money is SO tight, trainers aren’t willing to help in any way, and unless I’m a veteran there is no hope. I feel so deflated and drained and again made to feel like I’m wrong about what’s wrong with me! How is this possible? My husband suggested a ‘GoFundMe’ campaign…are you kidding?! Those rarely work. What would mine say? ‘Please help this crazy emotionally unstable woman that endured over 10 years of rape, mental and physical abuse by her ex husband that is in the Air Force, have her Pitbull trained to be her service dog?! NO ONE and I MEAN NO ONE would jump on that band wagon.

Thoughts of self-harm and suicide have been drifting in and out of my head off and on. I haven’t acted on them but they are there. I don’t know what to do,who to ask for advice, where to go…I have no f*&%ing idea. Just at a loss!

Set Back or Added

Last month I was meeting 2 possible families that wanted 2 of our puppies (one for each family obviously). I had my oldest daughter with me and the puppies in the backseat (buckled mind you) and headed for a 4 hour drive round trip.

I came to a 4-way stop (all stop) and proceeded through the intersection when out of no where A white truck impacted with my front passenger side pushing us into oncoming traffic (luckily we weren’t hit). No one was hurt as we were wearing seat belts and the puppies had no clue as to what was happening as they just slept through the entire ordeal.

I’m catapulted into a catatonic panic state and I could only feel the hot tears running down my face and fear in my throat. I managed to pull the car into the gas station parking lot. I didn’t know it at the it at the time but I was out of the car nodding to this man asking if I’m OK and suddenly hyper-aware of everything around me and in me. The officer that arrived told me to stay by my vehicle while he talked to the man first. White hair, on his phone talking about some nonsense about the night before and almost wrecking, who NEVER once told me why he ran into me. The officer asked me what happened. I thought everything that I was thinking was coming out of my mouth but it wasn’t. All I could get out, ‘We stopped, looked both ways, no traffic stopped, started driving through and then we were hit out of no where.’ That is ALL I could get out. I thought it was clear and concise but my daughter tells me that I could barely get the words out and that I was sobbing and didn’t want to be touched. My daughter tried telling the officer that, ‘My mom has CPTSD and needs a minute or two to calm down and get over the panic attack so she can clearly enunciate what happened.’ Instead of giving me the time I needed he asked my daughter. WTF!!! But I nodded and she explained what happened.

After pictures were taken, I received a ticket for failure to yield. I about lost it right there! This is because of Wisconsin Law the driver on the left yields to the one on the right. Yes, that’s all well and good and would have if HE HAD BEEN THERE FIRST! The insurance company investigated and clearly states that we have to accept liability ONLY because of the law and lack of video proof. Our adjuster said that the other party’s story was almost like mine expect the part of him being at a full stop and no other drivers visible. Then my adjuster tells me the guy was getting an estimate at the same shop that my car was at but wanted to pay out of pocket. Then I learned it was a work vehicle. Time line of the accident–football games, tailgate parties, and dusk. Was he driving the truck after hours, drinking when watching the game and then decided to go home during half time?

The officer not listening to me triggered a flashback that I didn’t want to have of me pleading with the officer that it’s rape even if we are married and I said no. The officer didn’t listen, didn’t do anything to protect me, mocked me for my claim, and I should be a good wife when my (ex)husband is in the Air Force and left. Left me alone with him to be further abused.

With shame, I didn’t go to court to fight the ticket, and I haven’t the money to send in now but I will. Now because of the officer not listening brings back feelings of shame and disgrace. I can’t face a judge right now. This is the first I have ever really put into words how the man driving the truck, the officer and situation made (and I still feel this way) feel. The judge won’t understand or give me the time of day. I know how this goes. Been there done that so many times. This is where the hopelessness sets in and I try not to associate past abuse to present situations but it’s so difficult. Both officers were similar in the treatment of me only one was more verbal and the other implied I was wrong (along with my daughter). Now I have a hard time driving even 3 blocks to pick my kids up from school.

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