6 Word Story: 6/10

It was a rough night and my walk this morning suffered. Flashbacks are not for the squeamish. Imagine living your worst life experience, amplified while you sleep without having control over what’s in your dream. Well, maybe other than jerking awake covered in sweat and tears but nothing else. I’m going to paint and write today. Those are my only goals (other than counting those points) and I need to prove to myself that I can get past the last couple of days. I also want to thank everyone for the encouragement to find the courage to continue sharing and practicing creativity.


Prompt Word: New Heights

 

 

 

6 Word Story: 2/2

I do find gratitude in little and simple things, especially when the darkness can only be chased by the light. Sometimes the only relief from my flashback, bad dreams, even bad days is the sunrise.


Prompt Word: Sunrise

Horrible nights comforted by breaking light.

Set Back or Added

Last month I was meeting 2 possible families that wanted 2 of our puppies (one for each family obviously). I had my oldest daughter with me and the puppies in the backseat (buckled mind you) and headed for a 4 hour drive round trip.

I came to a 4-way stop (all stop) and proceeded through the intersection when out of no where A white truck impacted with my front passenger side pushing us into oncoming traffic (luckily we weren’t hit). No one was hurt as we were wearing seat belts and the puppies had no clue as to what was happening as they just slept through the entire ordeal.

I’m catapulted into a catatonic panic state and I could only feel the hot tears running down my face and fear in my throat. I managed to pull the car into the gas station parking lot. I didn’t know it at the it at the time but I was out of the car nodding to this man asking if I’m OK and suddenly hyper-aware of everything around me and in me. The officer that arrived told me to stay by my vehicle while he talked to the man first. White hair, on his phone talking about some nonsense about the night before and almost wrecking, who NEVER once told me why he ran into me. The officer asked me what happened. I thought everything that I was thinking was coming out of my mouth but it wasn’t. All I could get out, ‘We stopped, looked both ways, no traffic stopped, started driving through and then we were hit out of no where.’ That is ALL I could get out. I thought it was clear and concise but my daughter tells me that I could barely get the words out and that I was sobbing and didn’t want to be touched. My daughter tried telling the officer that, ‘My mom has CPTSD and needs a minute or two to calm down and get over the panic attack so she can clearly enunciate what happened.’ Instead of giving me the time I needed he asked my daughter. WTF!!! But I nodded and she explained what happened.

After pictures were taken, I received a ticket for failure to yield. I about lost it right there! This is because of Wisconsin Law the driver on the left yields to the one on the right. Yes, that’s all well and good and would have if HE HAD BEEN THERE FIRST! The insurance company investigated and clearly states that we have to accept liability ONLY because of the law and lack of video proof. Our adjuster said that the other party’s story was almost like mine expect the part of him being at a full stop and no other drivers visible. Then my adjuster tells me the guy was getting an estimate at the same shop that my car was at but wanted to pay out of pocket. Then I learned it was a work vehicle. Time line of the accident–football games, tailgate parties, and dusk. Was he driving the truck after hours, drinking when watching the game and then decided to go home during half time?

The officer not listening to me triggered a flashback that I didn’t want to have of me pleading with the officer that it’s rape even if we are married and I said no. The officer didn’t listen, didn’t do anything to protect me, mocked me for my claim, and I should be a good wife when my (ex)husband is in the Air Force and left. Left me alone with him to be further abused.

With shame, I didn’t go to court to fight the ticket, and I haven’t the money to send in now but I will. Now because of the officer not listening brings back feelings of shame and disgrace. I can’t face a judge right now. This is the first I have ever really put into words how the man driving the truck, the officer and situation made (and I still feel this way) feel. The judge won’t understand or give me the time of day. I know how this goes. Been there done that so many times. This is where the hopelessness sets in and I try not to associate past abuse to present situations but it’s so difficult. Both officers were similar in the treatment of me only one was more verbal and the other implied I was wrong (along with my daughter). Now I have a hard time driving even 3 blocks to pick my kids up from school.

December 26, 2017

Christmas Stress Passing

I can’t wait to get back into therapy. The Christmas holiday was brutal to say the least. Trying to keep it together so I can make happy memories for my children was torturous at best.

I worked the eve of Christmas Eve and didn’t get home until 2 am and once I was able to turn off my brain it was about 3 am. And by turn off my brain doesn’t mean that I was watching TV or on my phone. I was staring off into space as panic was radiating through my body. At 4 am Christmas eve my son decided to wake me from a deep sleep not by making noise or asking questions. No, I woke up because I had the feeling that someone was watching me and sure enough it was him. Instant flashback to worse times in my life. The little guy didn’t know what he was doing and luckily I took a second before reacting.

I got up with him, exhausted, and continued to explain to him OVER and OVER, ‘No, it’s not time to open your one present. NO, we are not opening all the gifts today.’ I began to sound like a broken record.

Everyone is up and hungry by 8. Of course my husband didn’t know what to do..in fact he wasn’t any help at all but I never really speak up for myself or ask for help. My anxiety doesn’t allow it most of the time. So, I deal with everything only causing more stress on myself and our marriage. We weren’t going to go out for breakfast so I started making the snacks for the entire day. Finished wrapping presents, continued arguing with my son, and trying to keep the peace between my teen daughters. One gift per child was open in the evening, board games were played, and their bellies full. I so wanted to go to bed and hide until after new year but there was no chance of that. After the kids went to bed, stocking were filled and fudge made and placed for Santa then bed.

Doing ALL of this was not easy. Not when depression wants a 1/2 my time and anxiety wants the other 1/2. Then sprinkle in the habits from a previous abusive relationship to prohibit pain that won’t ever come (married to a different man) and a mind running faster than the speed of light all equaled to 3 breakdowns, one tearful shower, and snarking at the husband.

Christmas Day

The night before I managed to remember to put the breakfast casserole in the crock-pot at 11 pm so there was food for my family to eat after presents. Presents were open and there was only one meltdown from my son not getting EVERYTHING he asked for. **Note to self–there will be no Santa next year, only the spirit of the season.**

House cleaned then the cable company came because our WI-FI modem has been going in and out then finally took a dive on us, so that was replaced. Then it was off to my mother’s house to have the most cringing conversations. My anxiety was hidden behind this perfect fake smile and set of constant expressions that I use to make people think that I am not suffering inside and completely OK and listening to every word they are saying. Then it was home, cleaning then playing more games and off to bed. My mattress could have swallowed me whole and there would be no fight from me.

Day After

Happy to be at work. The other lady that works in the art room with me has take a week of vacation to I’m enjoying the peace and quiet. I’m able to do her job and mine. Maybe catch up on some much needed posts.

 

July 5th,2017

Surviving the Festivities

Let me tell you, it was a hell of a 4th of July celebration this past LONG weekend. I was happy to get a 4 day reprieve from my day job but think I would have liked it better IF I had gone to work. It would have kept my mind and hands busy. Not having my medications and thoughts of worthlessness is just overpowering. Let’s start with the night at the bar, July 2nd, that the town I work nights in was putting on their celebration. It wasn’t as big as last year which believe it or not was VERY disappointing. I ended up having to send my back up bartender home. The bar cleared out when darkness fell. I opted to stay inside. I could barely handle the loud booms and cracks that were roaring in the bar. I didn’t want to experience watching them and having flash backs all at once.

I was able to make it through that when the bar started to fill up with drunk belligerent people (that weren’t my regulars) and all I could think, ‘It’s going to be a bar close type of night.’ It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle until one of my trigger came walking in the bar. That’s right, the bar owner. He was ok at first but I still couldn’t make eye contact. Then he tried driving home and as much as I don’t care for him I tried to get him a ride home. His refusal was all I needed to not care about his safety.

The rest of the night went well, at 2am I gave everyone their 30 minute warning, then 15, then 10, then 5 and then it was get the HELL out! They left but stood outside for another 30 minutes as I was inside cleaning up their mess. I didn’t get home until 4am.

Monday, the family and I grilled outside and my husband got my son some sparklers (nothing loud as my husband knew I couldn’t watch) and smoke bombs to light and have fun with. I wanted to stay outside but I think the mosquitoes are now IMMUNE to bug repellent!

Tuesday, my husband had a surprise for me. We went and picked up a new family member. We drove two hours and seemed to have a good time when we ended up at a golf course. I don’t play golf and neither did he. When I parked I seen a woman exit her vehicle with a fawn puppy. These people drove all the way from Illinois to meet us in Wisconsin to deliver this little girl. Oh my goodness, love at first sight! Her name is Bailey Pub. I have made her vet appointments and scheduled her for her training. On the way home, I REFUSED to leave her in the car so we could go eat so we went through a drive through and sitting there I found Bring Fido, a site dedicated to place you can bring your fur baby. There are a ton of restaurants and other places your 4 legged loved one can go and I encourage you to check it out.

TONIGHT, My baby girl has her first day of class! Pictures and commentary to follow!

 

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