Doodle Delay

I have been really distracted today with writing and then chores and before I knew it it’s dinner time. What am I cooking? Nothing! I have cooked every night this week and leftover needs to get eaten. Not to mention last night the flashbacks were more real than I could ever remember. More than likely due to stress or a conversation. But, I say down, put in my headphones, with some powerful tunes (that mean a lot to me) and doodled to my little heart’s content.


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March 24th, 2018

Life Happens…I guess?

I had a wonderful day yesterday with writing and doodling. Lots of ideas were just running in through my head. Both beautiful and dark images, stories outside of my normal writing, and cake baking. By the way, the cake was something that reminded me of the chocolate cakes filled with cream from when I was younger. Ding Dongs were awesome once a week treat that my grandmother snuck to us kids.

Being on cloud nine handled every emergency that the company threw at me until an hour before I had to leave for my creative weekend. This person walked in with 20 art requests for customers that she had been sitting on for a week! While I was sometimes needing work or overwhelmed with it, she was walking around talking and having a great time as her supervisor was gone. Furious wouldn’t be able to describe how I was feeling. I ended up having to work late with my anxiety level at a 10.

My husband had a surprise when I came home which made my evening a little better. He had purchased the watercolors, inks, and markers I had been wanting since I first started playing with paints. I was like a kid that just got her deluxe box of crayons. He managed to pull me away long enough to take me out for a burger. Now, I’ve had a gastric bypass and there certain things that I stopped eating since and burgers are one. Let me tell you the rare burger with bleu cheese and caramelized¬†onions cooked perfectly rare hit the spot. When we got home it was late and that’s when I learned that I would either need a bigger area to write and paint or get better organized. That’s when I announced to the kids if we are going to go out to breakfast it would have to be early in the morning so I can get back in time to play with the paints. It didn’t go as planned.

I was the only one that woke in time to a still sleeping house. I was actually woken by a flashback. I painted my¬†dream took a minute more to myself and wrote my 6-word story. I crawled into bed when my husband decided to get up. I told him it was getting too late and I wouldn’t have time to do anything. I was really pouting because where he wanted to go was an hour drive. Let’s just say we didn’t get home until after lunch and I still had to set up my desk. Now that everything is in place I plan on working on some writing and then paint tomorrow.

So, life happened and I didn’t get to do things how I planned but it all worked out. So far if all goes well my plans are to paint tomorrow and minor writing.

Triggered Tokens

This has been a triggering past few days! Friday I couldn’t wait to get out of work and head home just relax before going to tend bar. My husband still hasn’t started working yet and at least ha d the kids taken care of and dinner somewhat figured out. I got to the bar and had a quiet but busy night. Most of my boys were up north or heading up north for their annual week long fishing trip. It was nice to get home before 2 am.

Saturday, with some sleep in me, I was able to wake up at a decent time and take the family to breakfast. They are wonderful understanding that money is tight and didn’t overdo the ordering. From there I dropped the girls off because they had plans with their girlfriends and my husband and I took our 7 year old with us to help me shop for the meat raffle items. I didn’t get much as most of the town (yes the town is that small) that hardly anyone would be there. When we were done, straight to the bar we headed and dropped everything off. On the way to the house to meet the girls, we stopped and got the veggies needed for the meals and pick up my prescription refills. That’s when I learned that our insurance was cut off. FUCKING fantastic! So now, no meds and my anxiety and depression is slowly getting worse. At least I could get to the car before I started to cry. Saturday night I was able to close around the same time and actually got the rest I needed and let’s face it, I was not in the right frame of mind.

I bought just the right amount of food for the people that showed up. It didn’t take long at all to raffle everything off and people stayed, talked, and laughed. It was a great day until the guy that is overseeing the bar came in. Told me absolutely no more giving to charity from the extra money earned then started interrogating about the money not reflecting the good meat raffle afternoons in the till. I was so numb. My ex husband would severely abuse me for money not being accounted for even after I had the proof through receipts and bank statements. I had flashbacks and started to shake. I had enough power to say tell them I needed a minute and walked outside for a cigarette. Here I am smoking, no meds, and terrible flashbacks. I was terrified. I closed after he left and cried the whole time while doing my closing checklist.

Monday, I could barely get out of bed. My depression was really bad. I was scared, no motivation. Throughout the night I had the same horrifying nightmare every time I would try to sleep. Luckily, my little clover, would lick my face and paw at my hand to wake me. I wish I had the money to train her as my service dog. She even helped me get out of bed. I just muddled through the day and when I got home from work I went straight to bed.

Today was the last day of school for the kids, and I wanted to do something nice for my son and his friend since the older kids went to the pool. So here we are, at an arcade/restaurant and all I can do is sit here and watch my baby and his friend run around and play because my body and mind doesn’t have the strength to be happy with them. My husband is doing awesome filling in. So, this is where I stand, on my phone, trying to keep a journal of what is happening, finding triggers, and at least not laying in bed. I have some writing to post when I get home. My son needs more tokens and win more tickets. I smile, “Good job buddy “.

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