Weighing In on Weighing In: Week 17

This has been a much better week both work and family wise. I have stopped worrying about my daughter’s decision about moving to be closer to her biological father. That is her choice, she is an adult, and I don’t have to have anything to do with her right now. I’m no longer responsible for her well being. So, I let go of all of those feelings.

I haven’t been meeting my activity points by 10 but I’m staying active. The treadmill walks in the morning seem more intense but it helps me get the stress from work out of my system. I haven’t experimented much with recipes and stuck to what I know. That Tuscan pumpkin soup is my new fav right now and fills me up.

I did it, I lost the two pounds I gained and hope this coming week I can lose more. Here’s to another week, everyone!

Weighing In on Weighing In: Wk 15

$*%)…#%&@)()(*%#^…Just imagine me calling my bathroom scale this morning everything under the sun BUT a child of God. I was furious. I weighed in yesterday at 179lbs but this morning the scale wanted to change it’s mind like my daughters change clothes! First, it read 179lbs, then it went to 180lbs, then to 182lbs, then to 181lbs, then back to 180lbs. In my fit of rage and feelings of failure, I decided to stay with 180lbs since that number blinked twice. UGH! Then I got to thinking that with all the rain I wasn’t able to walk like I normally do so my husband got me a second-hand treadmill.

Now that I’ve talked myself out of quitting…here’s the game plan for the next week. I didn’t eat all my points like I have been doing and will make double sure that I eat all if not most of my points. I will also try and keep a balance of good quality fats and not complete junk (that Snickers was SO good). Try to get all my activity points and not check the scale daily. Oh, I also slacked on drinking more water than coffee and soda. I just don’t like the taste of it EVEN with flavor enhancers. With fall right around the corner, I’m going to try and be more creative with my coffee drinks as Starbuck’s contain astronomical points for the seasonal drinks. I want to be better prepared.

With that here are two recipes that I’m so glad that I indulged in:

Pumpkin Spice Latte:

  • 1 Tablespoon of pureed pumpkin (here I used Libby’s brand and any more than the measurement you’ll get bits at the bottom…I don’t like the pulp texture so I stick with what I listed)
  • 1/2 cup Premier Protein Vanilla shake (this was used because I wanted to get my protein in but use any low/ nonfat/plain almond types of milk)
  • 1 Tablespoon Stevia (or sugar substitute of your choice)
  • Pumpkin Spice (for garnish)
  • Strong Coffee (amount is up to you but I used ‘travel size mug’ option on my coffee pot)

Brew a really strong coffee for full latte effect. I take my coffee to work in a travel coffee mug so mine is double the regular coffee size. While that’s a brewing-warm your milk of choice, sugar substitute and pumpkin on stove whisking to froth a bit. When hot, but not burn your tastebuds hot, add to coffee and dust with pumpkin pie seasoning. This will do for the pumpkin pie latte fix that is needed and it all came out to only 2 freestyle points.

Now with cooler weather heading my way-I wanted to try something new that would satisfy my ‘need home-cooking’ craving (I would kill for a pot of buttery garlic mashed taters!). But this works:

Stuffed Bell Pepper Soup

  • 1lb of 96%/4%fat lean ground beef
  • 2 16z cans of petite diced tomatoes
  • 3 Cloves garlic-chopped
  • 2 cups reduced sodium chicken
  • 2 medium bell peppers diced
  • 1 medium onion diced
  • salt and pepper to taste

Easiest thing ever…chop and drop veggies, add meat mix thoroughly, open cans of tomatoes and pour in along with the chicken broth. Simmer until meat is done. Serving size is 1.5 cups and will serve 5 people. This was also a 2 Freestyle point per serving meal. You can eat with rice (adding points) or with toast or crackers.

Weighing In on Weighing In: Week 4

Today is weigh in day. I made some changes and this morning a question. Now, I did a sneak peek at my progress (I have GOT to stop doing that) and seen that I was down to 189lbs. This morning I weighed before walking and it read 194lbs. Umm…wtf?! I noticed my fingers were swollen and thought maybe it was because I just woke up. I walked, got weirded out by a cop, came home, had some water and weighed in. 190lbs is what the scale gave me. Did I gain a pound? I’m not too sure because I took the scale in the bathroom and it told me 196lbs. Even bigger WTF thoughts. I will be getting a new scale as I’m beginning to think that the scale is in cahoots with my diet that tried to use my chopping skills against me earlier. No, but I will be purchasing a different scale.

PLUS side…I lost more weight! I added healthier fats back into my diet like a butter/olive oil spread (hello yummy!), found that I can snack on Rold Gold Pretzels (but now I dip in PB2 powder peanut butter adding the protein back into my snacks and yumminess), and I’m not starving myself by hoarding points. They’re there so why not eat them? I have turned down free pizza, cake, and even BBQ lunch here at the office and I’m not completely bitter just glad that I could pass it up. That means I’m learning self-control. I’ve also learned to enjoy my coffee without all the bells and whistles and drinking more water.

6/21/2018 High 5% Losing 5% of your weight is a big deal! It can improve your mood, give you better sleep, and reduce the risk of developing type 2 diabetes. Woot!

The WW app asked if I wanted to up my activity point goal to 70 and I had to turn that down. I don’t think I’m ready for that because I have so much going on. Taking care of family/house, daily painting, daily doodle (not giving those up at the moment), the Friday Fenton project (update coming tomorrow), writing class I signed up for, and my blog. I’ll try to do it on my own without it counting first.

Totally happy with my results so far but cautiously aware that there will be bumps in the road. Here’s to hoping for another successful week leading up to weigh in day.

Happy Solstice everyone.

 

 

Meaningful Music

Today was an off day. It started with my walk and even though the weather said that it was going to be another clear hot day, the sky suggested something completely different. Combine a dark sky, hurried pace, and a couple of soundtracks inspiration was found.

A sample from my playlist:

I am a HUGE fan of Hozier and almost ALL of his songs. I am unhappy in my body and didn’t want to get back to my 400lb self and decided that I was no longer feeling like me. I worked and went through so much to get to where I was and I found myself slipping back. Being labeled as having C-PTSD, Pagan, overweight, and in some circumstances as standoffish sometimes music is the only salvation to set things right.

Inspired Writing from Walk:

I’m not the only lover that hasn’t paid her debt. I thought I had escaped my past but soon found out there is a debt to be owed but not at my hand, but my mothers. My life changed and I was the payment of her debt.

It was an unusually windy week, even for Chicago. The commute to work was almost impossible. There were times when a gust would almost knock me over. Thursday morning and I was already running late and needed to pick up a treat to share with the office. The sky has been dark with rolling clouds since Monday, but today I noticed that they looked like a spider following me. I now know that it was following its prey.

I managed to make it into the bakery without the door flying into the wall and purchased the last 2 dozen cookies. I don’t know why it’s customary to treat on one’s birthday but you would think it would be the other way around. I paid the baker and bid him farewell in which he replied, ‘Happy Birthday Aspen.’ Here I was turning 25 and hated hearing those words. Walking out of the bakery I noticed that the same spider clouds were almost waiting for me. I didn’t think much of it and arrived at the office just in the nick of time. My hair may have looked like I was stuck in a wind tunnel but by George I made it.

The day was the usual mundane office chores and everyone enjoyed the break for cookies. During lunch I checked the weather the whatever this storm was is still going to be hanging around. According to the meterologist, the system seemed to cyclone over us and predicted to stay for another week. This kind of put a damper on my plans because I was supposed to go on a hot air balloon ride with Justin. Even though we were the couple that broke up and got back together the next day we still enjoyed each others’ company during our broke up periods, this being one of them. I finished my day and headed home only to find the same spider cloud following me. This worried me a little and thought it would be best if I took a cab until the storm passed.

The next morning I hailed my cab and right in front of me it was struck by lightning just as my hand was reaching for the handle. I looked up and found the same dark ominous could over my head. I decided that I would take a sick day and hang around in the apartment. The day was relaxing and great up until I had to go out for lunch. The wind was more powerful than it ever was. I was steered into a park and into a tree. I was alone and frightened. I sat down at the base waiting for the force to pass but then the whispering started.

‘Every lover has a debt to be paid. You, my dear, are the price of your mother’s debt.’ Someone said.
I panicked. ‘What the hell? Who the hell?’
‘You are my daughter and your life on Earth has come to its end. You have duties to fulfill as Nuada’s child.’
I remember my dad fighting with my mom and saying that I wasn’t his daughter but I was young and the argument was dismissed. My father loved me until the day he died which oddly was a year ago today.
‘If I’m your daughter, prove it. I won’t fight but I need proof that I’m not a hallucinating nut job that needs to be admitted to the hospital for observations.’
‘Aspen, daughter of Willow, let me show you.’ the voice said. And with that, a scene of my mother with another man unfolded in the sky. Didn’t prove anything until I see her sign a contract stating that when the time comes that I am to live with my real father and begin my true duties. I found that contract when I was younger in the attic. My mother yelled at me for playing with it and think was relieved that I didn’t understand the writing.

I wake up in a dark place. It’s quiet and still but underneath me, I noticed the floor is the sky that has a raging storm brewing under my feet. ‘Am I dead?’ I said to the darkness. A gentleman walks up to me with his hand outreached.
‘Aspen, I’m your father, Nuada. Come. You have much to learn my child.’
I didn’t know where I was or who he really was but I felt safe. And the only thing I could do was trust him.

 

Jo/© thecreativeptsdgal.wordpress.com

It’s All in the Details

This morning I was up and going for my walk before 5am. I was actually excited about that. But I was even more excited that I have points from yesterday (WW Freestyle does that) but was soon more angry than anything that it only rolls over 4, not 11! Coming from a chick that loves to cook southern food and eat it, I felt so cheated! But I will take my 4 thank you and make the best out of them.

The app allows me to scan foods and see what points they add up too. This includes meals, single ingredients, and even alcohol. My morning began with a morning walk and coffee afterward. I scoured their recipe app and found pancakes that I wanted to make. I didn’t have all the ingredients that were on the list but found substitutions that even lowered the meal points. In doing so I indulge in 1 point each of sugar-free syrup and no salt butter with olive oil. I add blueberries and let me tell you-YUM!!! It took me almost 30 minutes to figure out ingredients, substitutions, and calculating measurements but in the end, I had a great indulging breakfast and leftovers for me to just heat up in the morning.

After breakfast, I started researching on my idea, got bored, and completed my art challenges. I was relaxed and in the zone and the time just got away from me. I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted a Bloody Mary but know that there isn’t a bartender in my neck of the woods that would make one the way I needed (specific to my diet) let alone have the ingredients. With my husband in tow (it’s a holiday weekend and the liquor store was going to be busy), armed with my app, I was able to find a vodka that was only 2 points a serving. The mix was the difficult part. What I usually put in these drinks I couldn’t have but learned that Zing Zang mix was 1 point but that was only for 3 Fl Oz so I I doubled that using a total of 2 points. I added regular tomato juice to it (not a full serving) which was another point. In the end, my drink ended up being 5 freaking delicious points that I do not regret! I made myself some egg salad ( and again I didn’t have all the right ingredients and used substitutions) and after some searching and calcualtions, I had a filling 2 point lunch. Still not the same as what I usually make but I’ll take it.

After lunch, I thought I would try my hand at painting outside. It was up to 100° and the water was just drying the minute it hit the page. I did the next best thing and found a reference photo and went to town. I’m tickled at how well this turned out. I realized that today consisted mostly of me paying attention to the little things. All in all, a good day but what I would kill for a loaded baked tater with all the fixin’s! If you would like the recipe that includes the substitutions for what I did just let me know. Have a great night everyone!

6 Word Story: 5/27

I have made many goals and fails at almost all of them. I’m proud of my blog and being able to participate in writing and artistic challenges. There are days I slip but I get back on track. There are days that my anxiety fuels stories but then there are days my depression keeps me from putting in my 100% that I always try to apply. I made a goal to write every day and I do, mostly. I made a goal to quit smoking, so far so good. I made a goal to either doodle or paint every day, and I do that mostly too. My new goal is to lose weight. I’m doing ok. I know I will slip but I’ll still try. Do your dreams become goals or just leave them as dreams?


Prompt Word: Goal Maker

May 24th, 2018

Journal confession time. I have been harboring a lot of guilt about a goal that I set and actually went the opposite direction. I wanted to lose at least 20lbs at the same time I quit smoking. I haven’t had a cigarette since January 12th but need to lose a LOT more weight. I’ve tried keto (didn’t satisfy) tried smaller portions (already do because of the gastric bypass) and a lot of other gimmick stuff. I realized that I’m happy with my ability to find time to paint and write but need to focus on my weight.

I took a walk this morning before work and writing and felt really bad about how I looked while doing it. How can I exercise when I feel anxious about people watching me and possibly secretly judging me. That’s the anxiety working in me and shaking hands with the depressive state that I fall in with. I could’ve easily gone home but reminded myself that it was still dark out and people are heading to work and are probably late. I walked fasted just to get home before the sun came all the way up. My daughter turned 16 today and I thought if I keep going the way I’m going I’m not going to be healthy enough to enjoy my kids anymore like I was before. So, part of getting healthy this year was to quit smoking and I think I nailed it. Now, it’s time to control and manage my eating and weight. This entails me going to the store after work, purchasing a weight scale, and possible leggings to walk-in.

I researched many options and due to my family’s strict budget I made the first step and signed up for Weight Watcher’s Freestyle program. Fingers crossed I’m able to figure out meals with what I have and will get what I need (portion size for one because my family eats regular foods without a care in the world) on my next grocery shopping trip. Speaking of grocery shopping with my C-PTSD and anxiety I learned that I can shop through Wal-Marts grocery app which will also help me from going through the aisles and shopping with, ‘Oh that would taste awesome’ mentality.

After joining (still needing to feel out a few profile fields), I saw where I can track what I eat. Banana, coffee with chocolate caramel creamer, a babybel cheese, salad with greek dressing and croutons all added up-QUICKLY. It was clear about my food choices and guilt turned to shame. I synched my Fitbit app to my Weight Watcher’s app, opted for water instead of V8 and only had 1/2 cup of spicy ranch popcorn. I will research tonight more recipes and things that I can change and do differently.

I feel better fessing up to my guilt and shame and I guess I’ll take my readers along with me. I’m still going to write, paint, and doodle just now I’ll do it hungry. Kidding, not hungry but mindful of what I put in my body.

Quote of the Day

I’m only here for the food…and I’m on a diet!

I said this today because too many people were asking me to do so many things when I only have two hands. My anxiety was through the roof by 7:30 am this morning and I had to make a point. Part of the quote came from a movie, ‘Ever After’ and I still enjoy watching it.

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