365 Day Project: 72

I wanted to get my project photo done so I can just go and lay down. There is only so much people can handle (emotional, mental or physical) and I need to numbingly lay and do nothing. I did put a little more effort in the image today though.

#5B8793, #43D9D9, #D6BD92, #D98452, #BF5050

Take care of yourselves and happy Wednesday!

365 Day Project: 71

I didn’t do much in the styling of this picture. There’s much more to it than the legos that were put together. This is what it looks like when I’m functioning with anxiety and depression all while trying to seem like everything is OK. I tried to do some editing and even like the grainy vintage effect that I was able to achieve. The complimentary palette almost translates Harry Potter but not quite.

#1C1D26, #0896A6, #59D9D9, #038C65, #8C2727

Survival Guide

I don’t write poetry simply because it never comes out right. I had a meltdown yesterday over something that could have been laughed at. The stress from a toxic work environment just sent me over the edge. All the after-school plans changed because the kids couldn’t make up their mind so I was scrambling. When I got home to cook a dinner that I originally had no intention of doing was the straw of the camel’s back. I turned on the wrong burner and melted a bag of rice to the burner. I picked it up and rice went everywhere. Normally, that is something I would laugh at but I just couldn’t. I cried and had the breakdown that I needed. This is what anxiety and depression looked like in my house yesterday. This is what a day’s worth of anxiety build brings when in a toxic environment. With everything still on my mind the best I could do was to get it out like this:


She has hearing like a bat,
heard every word.
Skills honed to
better hear the car door.

She can feel the tension,
its felt when walking in the room.
Her body is conditioned
to prepare for assaults.

She worries about your thoughts,
she can tell by the look on faces.
Her mind does this
in preparation for anything to come.

She’s alert to her surroundings,
without looking she knows who’s walking in the room.
Always alert because she
always had to be on guard.

She’s silent without a second thought,
already knows you don’t want to hear her.
Silence ensures lack
of violent encounters.

To you, she seems cold,
refusing to be fake.
To her, it’s about survival and her guide,
years of abusive trial and error.

365 Day Project: 13

Today was a difficult day. Difficult being I could barely get out of bed. The argument from yesterday has turned me into a basket case. I only registered 600 some odd steps on my fit bit. I managed to get out and take a photo for my project. I really wish I had a zoom lens for my cell phone because I think it would’ve brought out more detail The subject was painted two summers ago but she’s really taken a beating. Even though she’s fading, if you look hard enough you can see the beauty before the elements took over. The color palette I think would fall under the complimentary genre. I’ll try harder tomorrow…I could really use some sun, support, something.

#0E4473
#143959
#BFA18F
#594031
#8C3535

Saturday Stints

Saturday is my day to get all the errands completed even when the budget gets tighter than what was expected. Groceries are first and then my photo for the day which I’ll be trying to capture in a town over since that’s where I pick up groceries. Then it’s trying to poorly draw my comic for the week. If it brings a giggle then so be it.

Then it’s Thor’s Blot tonight with the kindred and I’m just trying to hammer out some details that were not mentioned on the event page. This means possibly putting a dish together at last minute with as little funds as possible.

Now, in a panicked fast voice read on: I need to pick up groceries but leave enough money left over to possibly make a dish to pass at the blot tonight, then I need to get a photo for my 365 Day project because I CANNOT flake out on that if I want to get better at cell phone photos. Oh, I need to edit them and post too. I can do that from my phone if I have to but I hate it. What is my comic going to be about this week? Ugh, fuck it. I’ll wing it. Oh, I need to look for one of my wacoms and PRAY that there is still software somewhere for me to download. I got on the treadmill this morning but I better make sure and eat low points today because if there is food at the blot I would want to eat. Damn the mead, I’m going to have to dip in my weekly points. Not a problem I have almost a full bank. Shit, I need to put money in the kids’ lunch account, and gas. Gas needs to go in the car. It’s almost 6 in the morning I if I look now I can find the tablet and doodle in peace before the kids get up. Too late, I heard legos being dumped in the floor upstairs. Leftovers, the kids can have leftovers tonight and the younger one goes with us.

This is almost exactly what it’s like with my anxiety but what people are not seeing is the depression because all I want to do is crawl back into bed and forget what all needs to be done and went through my head. I know I have forgotten something and will remember it when it’s past time to be done or due. Off to look for one of my archaic Wacom tablets. Happy Saturday everyone!

6 Word Story: 9/20

Yesterday was a huge FAIL but this morning I woke up deciding that I won’t let that bother me today. I think what pushed me was a friend reaching out this morning and telling me that she feels like her battle with depression is getting the best of her. I’m glad she reached out and wished more people would. It helped put things in perspective for me and I hope that opening up helps her. If someone reaches out to you, listen. Oh…ugh weigh in day today.


Prompt: Incandescent

Be the radiance your soul needs.

6 Word Story: 7/24

I just noticed that this word is repeated (ugh and grr). So, anyone who is doing the prompts can do another story with this prompt OR do one using the word I’m doing today.

I wanted to try and do something that I’ve been feeling here lately.


Prompt Word: Door

 

Doodle(s)wash: 7/21-7/23

I really had to force myself to paint and doodle. I know that if I continued I would soon give everything up. I even managed to make dinner for everyone even though it mostly came from the box. Work was awful for a Monday and all I can say is thank goodness that I don’t delete emails (will probably elaborate more when I’m up to writing).

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6 Word Story: 7/23

I haven’t been feeling myself the past couple of days. I’m trying to catch up and fight like to keep interest in what I’m doing. Depression is something that doesn’t go away…no matter how hard I try to will it.

There are many ways to use today’s prompt word and can be used in all genres referring to all sorts of things.


Prompt Word: Crave

 

Doodle(s)wash: 6/26

I wasn’t going to paint. I was going to crawl in bed and binge eat all my comfort foods and go to sleep. While eating I was going to overthink and replay conversations in my head. I thought days like these were going to be easy for me to overcome and rise above. All I have is doubt in my capabilities as graphic artist and skills.

I used to have to fight for my right to have a job (with my ex) and to fight for my rights to go to college. They weren’t pretty or easy to go through both mentally and physically but I got a job and a degree. It took 12 years but I got it. Then at work today I was gaslighted by a coworker.  After providing proof (physical and digital proof) that I wasn’t I wasn’t the one that created the artwork, that she was (knowing and being told that she wasn’t supposed to) gaslighting still continued. I came home, cooked dinner and grabbed the kids Oreos when my husband asked me if I painted. Had I preplanned my next meals? He was successful in distracting me from my head then listened to what happened-it was a lot better than the guilt I would’ve felt after eating a million points worth of cookies.

He also surprised me with some tomato cages (that’s the way to a southern woman’s heart), potting soil, and a hanging basket with a promise to go with me to pick out flowers to plant in it.

Even though the painting has a dark air about it, I did feel better painting it.


Prompt Word: Lake

6 Word Story: 6/16

My sliced nail bed is becoming more troublesome than I thought it could be. Typing with one hand feels foreign. I feel like a gorilla banging on the keyboard with her feet! It’s frustrating, to say the least. I have some chores and errands that need to be completed today in preparation for Father’s day tomorrow.

After everything is set up, I’m going to paint come hell or high water.


Something that I have come to learn is that there are always these invisible front lines that we have to protect or to cross to conquer something. The fact is, we have our own victories that no one else sees and sometimes we don’t acknowledge until after the fact. It could be getting out of bed and taking that shower to completing a marathon. Our front lines have their own stories and victories. Be proud.

Prompt Word: Front Line

6 Word Story: 6/10

It was a rough night and my walk this morning suffered. Flashbacks are not for the squeamish. Imagine living your worst life experience, amplified while you sleep without having control over what’s in your dream. Well, maybe other than jerking awake covered in sweat and tears but nothing else. I’m going to paint and write today. Those are my only goals (other than counting those points) and I need to prove to myself that I can get past the last couple of days. I also want to thank everyone for the encouragement to find the courage to continue sharing and practicing creativity.


Prompt Word: New Heights

 

 

 

Doodle(s)wash: 6/9

I am learning something new almost every time I try and paint something. Today I had the unfortunate circumstance of learning a new trigger for me. I almost gave up my blog, writing, painting, everything that calms me and gives me something to look forward too. I did everything possible to stay away from my computer today. I cleaned the car out, grocery shopping, cleaned the fridge, hell I even shaved the dog (it’s his grooming time).

I told my husband everything that was happening and he said, ‘If you need to quit, then quit. There is no reason to feel ashamed or bad about yourself because of it. But, would you really be ok with that? Or would you spend your time in the bed? Would you really let someone make you feel like the worse possible you all over again?’ I hated him for that or rather I hated when he was right. So, I sat down and painted and even started a short story. I think after dinner I might even work out some Fenton Friday brainstorming. Who knows.


Prompt Word: Trees

6 Word Story: 6/9

Today’s prompt can refer to many different things or something someone may do in a situation to calm individuals but then there is the time when you are your own peacemaker. Your own advocate. This could be cutting someone out of your life, learning to love yourself, or actually taking the time to care for your own well being. Now I’m facing a difficult situation and one of the remedies could possibly take my passion away. I’ll still post my doodle prompt creation but I don’t know about much else. Hell, I’m even late with my 6-words. Here’s to hoping for a better day (mentally and physically).


Prompt Word: Peacemaker

 

 

Delayed Doodle(s)wash: 6/6-6/7

Truth, I let my head get the better of me and I can’t help it. Last night it took everything I had to cook dinner for my family and I was satisfied with an egg. I sat in the chair without any desire to do what I love. Even with my husband’s encouragement I just couldn’t. Today was also weigh-in day and that was just another blow for a later post. This morning, even though I was running late, I knew I wouldn’t have any work to do I packed my art stuff. My watercolor markers, a new travel sketchbook, water pen, pencils, pens all that and sat here at work and painted.

The thing is, I was so frustrated with the watercolor paintings. I have used my Winsor and Newton watercolor pens and have learned how they handled but on a DIFFERENT sketchbook. The paper kept piling and the paint wouldn’t flow like I could get it too on the other papers. Live and learn. What I am going to do is NOT throw the learning experience away and pretend that it didn’t happen, then just repaint tonight after errands. Nope, I’m going to share them. I won’t let it eat away at me as it was completely out of my control.

Doodle(s)wash Prompts:
6/6- Parks (everyone was painting playgrounds I went a different route and the doodle is still one line.
6/7- Fish (nothing special to report just a fish)

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May 24th, 2018

Journal confession time. I have been harboring a lot of guilt about a goal that I set and actually went the opposite direction. I wanted to lose at least 20lbs at the same time I quit smoking. I haven’t had a cigarette since January 12th but need to lose a LOT more weight. I’ve tried keto (didn’t satisfy) tried smaller portions (already do because of the gastric bypass) and a lot of other gimmick stuff. I realized that I’m happy with my ability to find time to paint and write but need to focus on my weight.

I took a walk this morning before work and writing and felt really bad about how I looked while doing it. How can I exercise when I feel anxious about people watching me and possibly secretly judging me. That’s the anxiety working in me and shaking hands with the depressive state that I fall in with. I could’ve easily gone home but reminded myself that it was still dark out and people are heading to work and are probably late. I walked fasted just to get home before the sun came all the way up. My daughter turned 16 today and I thought if I keep going the way I’m going I’m not going to be healthy enough to enjoy my kids anymore like I was before. So, part of getting healthy this year was to quit smoking and I think I nailed it. Now, it’s time to control and manage my eating and weight. This entails me going to the store after work, purchasing a weight scale, and possible leggings to walk-in.

I researched many options and due to my family’s strict budget I made the first step and signed up for Weight Watcher’s Freestyle program. Fingers crossed I’m able to figure out meals with what I have and will get what I need (portion size for one because my family eats regular foods without a care in the world) on my next grocery shopping trip. Speaking of grocery shopping with my C-PTSD and anxiety I learned that I can shop through Wal-Marts grocery app which will also help me from going through the aisles and shopping with, ‘Oh that would taste awesome’ mentality.

After joining (still needing to feel out a few profile fields), I saw where I can track what I eat. Banana, coffee with chocolate caramel creamer, a babybel cheese, salad with greek dressing and croutons all added up-QUICKLY. It was clear about my food choices and guilt turned to shame. I synched my Fitbit app to my Weight Watcher’s app, opted for water instead of V8 and only had 1/2 cup of spicy ranch popcorn. I will research tonight more recipes and things that I can change and do differently.

I feel better fessing up to my guilt and shame and I guess I’ll take my readers along with me. I’m still going to write, paint, and doodle just now I’ll do it hungry. Kidding, not hungry but mindful of what I put in my body.

May 18th

I haven’t done a journal entry in a while. Today I woke up and took my walk and instead of telling myself that all the hard work will pay off it came out, ‘what the hell’s the point?’ I was being awful to myself. Getting to work, drinking coffee, and completing my daily tasks then my nemesis came into the art room. Believe me when I say I would much rather eat glass then help her with ANYTHING but that’s not being an adult (which is a BS by the way) so I helped her.

Having to deal with that and already being hard on myself I decided to take the rest of the day off. I SO wanted to come home and lay in bed. I pulled into the driveway and even headed to my room when I remembered that I needed another watercolor journal. I couldn’t do tonight’s challenge without one. Do I go to bed and fall into the depressive state that my mind needed or shop for my journal that my soul needed?

Next thing I know I’m in the art supply store. I felt better with my journal in hand but was stopped by a sale on a travel case of Winsor & Newton cake palette of 14. ‘You can’t afford to travel anywhere why in the hell do you need those?!’ That’s what I heard in my head. Then I told myself I don’t need to travel far just get out and paint. I am now the proud owner of new travel paints and smaller travel book (50% off I wasn’t going to pass).

Got home, cleaned up, cooked dinner, and got an amazing surprise. A fellow blogger honored me with, ‘Nice job, you’ve obtained this week’s GOLD badge!’ Talk about the boost I needed to keep going this afternoon. Matthew over at Normal Happenings is the positive breath of fresh air that I needed. Wander through his proverbial blog stacks and get lost. He’s also a fellow graphic designer which explains my draw to his newspaper style font.

I still feel like I want to crawl into bed and that’s ok too. I’m not pretending that everything is fine but I know that things will get better. Have a great evening ya’ll.

May 3, 2018

Dear Journal (and everyone that reads),

I thought I was doing great the past few weeks with only minor pangs of anxiety and one night of flashbacks. I survived the A to Z blogging challenge and set out a new goal for a novella that I would like to publish. I haven’t written or did anything on that since my goal but I’m ok with that as I have time this weekend to write. I have been enjoying my new doodle and watercolor challenges. It’s my zen place.

Today everything seems off. I haven’t written or read anything. I had plans to go and exchange some things but have canceled. I have been reduced to slipping on yoga pants and starting dinner. I refuse to crawl into bed and just lose composure-I know I’ll lay there for days. I was misled by pretty words today by someone that people are supposed to trust. I have been having issues with a woman that has the biggest head on her shoulders. Her inflated sense of entitlement I have confronted many times. She seems to have everyone wrapped around her fingers but I refuse to conform. I will argue with her when she’s wrong with anything marketing or graphic design-wise. The company hired me to bring in those elements of knowledge. I was hired under the impression that I was a team member but have been treated as an outcast. I’m not the only educated individual they have done this too but she, she makes my career life hell and goes out of her way to do so.

Today, instead she sent one of the owners (CEO) of the company to come and do her evil bidding. He used words like and phrases like, ‘collaboration, your expertise, eye for creativity and detail, and what you bring to the table.’ All pretty and promising words. Ones that made me think he actually did his job, knocked her down a peg and educated her that she needs to be able to work with other. I agreed that I could collaborate and work with her. She brought in a piece of paper, ‘Do this, what’s in this example.’ And left. Finding another graphic design job, in my area, for what little I am getting paid is proving to be difficult. I have never felt so ostracised by the company…the owner of the company. What’s the point in me being there? Am her personal assistant or do I work for the company? The ONLY thing I did was worked a program and made a document specification requested. I didn’t bring anything creative to the table, just regurgitated another version of an ad that SHE saw from last year. It was a bad ad done by a small company and elements of the ad were from the 90’s. How can I keep us going forward when she keeps us in the back.

I feel used, lied to, unappreciated as a graphic designer, and made to feel like I’m beneath everyone as a human. What’s the point? My anxiety was horrible (I would go to the bathroom just to sit and rock) and the feeling of being worthless is overwhelming. So, For now, I’m going to finish cooking dinner and do some painting trying not to give into the sinking feeling. The darkness that feels like a protective friend but isn’t. I may just call in tomorrow.

Words of advice-Try and see through the pretty words, it will prepare you for the lies beneath.

6 Word Story: 4/21

If it wasn’t for what my father instilled in me along with his pride I don’t think I could make it through the daily anxiety and depression.


Prompt Word: Planted

Your roots will give you strength.

March 28th, 2018

Today was a great coming out of the gate. I made it into work on time and in a positive frame of mind. Then I found out what was really being said about me and was told that I act like an adult and the ‘persons’ responsible are acting like children. That’s great and all but I’m the anxious over-thinker worried about losing my job over untruthful BS. So, I wrote my short story and felt better…loads better. The story was fun and I tried to turn the prompt into something no one expected.

Then there were meetings and of course, I’m sitting across from the forked-tongued individuals. No eye contact was made but the tension was clearly visible. I did, however, thrive in the meeting which I’m afraid only made worse. They were talking a design and coding language that I understand and could speak back. Then they were later showed my computer station where I was able to be the geek that I am explaining what I do and how I do it.

Now for my good stuff of the day. I think I need to start thinking about the positive elements of my day to help keep the negative from playing over and over in my head. I was nominated for two more blogging awards which I will curate those blogs Friday. SUPER excited about those and I will thank those people again and give them the recognition they deserve. And I have decided to participate in the A to Z challenge! I know it’s a big bite to take but I thought since I want to also participate in the NANO month challenge it would be a great exercise. I have been able to write my 6-word stories, daily doodles and even write short stories through other prompts why not actually plan something and work on it.

A to Z needs a theme. I have decided to add a page to the site just for this but can also add other challenges I decided to do. So I will be working on that this week as well. It makes me feel good to think about writing and things like this. I will also start my alphabet journal the same day as my challenge begins. That’s my start date and should end the same time as my challenge. I am still going to try to also keep up with my daily doodles and 6-word stories.

RECAP LIST

  • A web page for  the A-Z challenge (Need to figure out theme and category)
  • Alphabet watercolor journal (animals, foods, flowers, colors…buildings?)
  • Award Posts

All in all the blog, art, writing, and the music I listen to help me through the anxiety and depressive states from outside individuals that feel my C-PTSD isn’t real. I wish they could spend a day in my brain. So, off to do my doodle and some research. Thanks for reading Y’all.

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