I Survived…

Cue music and dim lights. Everything on Thursday was nice up until my mom came over. Her birthday is at the end of the month and I thought it would be a great time to give her the gift. This also ensures that I don’t have to make a trip out to see her. Why wouldn’t I want to see my mom? Her exuberance of superiority, her display of being better than me, and a touch of guilt are just a few reasons why I keep our visits down to a minimum. She opened her gift which was a bottle of REALLY good mead that she said she enjoyed and an Ancestry DNA kit. This was kind of a jab at her for giving me such grief over my results but I wanted her to see what her DNA story was. ‘Ooohhh (decrescendo here everyone). Thanks.’ That was her reaction. OK, whatever (down a glass of wine).

Then it was time for me to heat up Thanksgiving dinner. Let me tell you it was nice not to run around for a week and prepping and baking then cooking ALL morning to have everyone scarf EVERYTHING down in 5 minutes. Not to mention all the dishes that no one would help with. I timed everything perfectly. It was on the table and people were eating. It was good food. Then my mom chimed in. ‘It’s good but we weren’t brought up this way. I’m cooking tomorrow since Jeff doesn’t have dinners like this.’ This comment here was BULLSHIT (oh sorry this isn’t going to be a PG-rated blog). First off he came to Thanksgiving dinner last year and loved my cooking then seen how she reacted about how good it was and seen why I didn’t want them to come thanks to her jealousy. Second, she cooks homecooked meals ALL the time for him. But ok, whatever (down a second glass of wine). Then my oldest daughter chimed in. For me wanting to take care of myself this holiday was apparently a crime. I felt deflated and me wanting to enjoy being with everyone without having clean up and being exhausted was stolen. The two younger ones stayed the night with her and the oldest went to work allowed my husband and myself to do our shopping. We are mostly done so I’m good with that.

Here we are on Friday. My husband and I set out for coffee and a few more things. We got back in time to discover my oldest didn’t do ANYTHING she was supposed to do. Now I’m irritated but don’t say anything because we have to go to my mom’s for HER homecooked meal. I gushed at the pictures that she posted of my daughter helping here cook but wondered where my son was in these pictures? Oh, she didn’t want to bother with him and let him fall asleep at 6pm. Dinner is served, her boyfriend loves it, and ‘I was able to get all my prep work done when we got back from your place.’ Jab 1. ‘This is really really good. Not like what you get a restaurant. Unknowingly Jab 2 from her boyfriend (or did he know?)’ ‘Mamaw this is so good. Homecooked meals are what I look forward too for the holidays’ Jab 3 from my own damn kid. Then it was time for pies (mind you no one ate the ones I got with dinner) and what was supposed to be my daughter’s spotlight because she cooked them my mom took credit for showing her how to bake pies since I didn’t show her this year. Jab 4. I’m pretty much feeling awful at this point and was thankful that my son wasn’t feeling good. We all came home smelling of smoke because she smokes in her house and we were covered in pet dander. Changed clothes and showered. My son was feeling a ton better and ate dinner (leftovers because everyone HATED what I did).

Per our day after Thanksgiving tradition, we set out for the perfect family Yule tree. (we are going to try a traditional Yule this year whether my older girls like it or not). I think that was the most fun I had this holiday. My husband tried being compassionate and support me through all the bullshit from both my mom and oldest daughter. I will be cooking next year and hope that I don’t let my feelings for this year cloud and happiness. I’m feeling absolutely deflated to the point I don’t even want to do Yule this year and that includes cooking. I’m going to try and stay positive and make the best out of what’s left of the weekend. We have a tree to decorate and I think I’ll bake cookies. Hope Y’all made it through or will make it through your holidays. Chin up, it’ll all be over soon and the regularly scheduled program will continue. Happy Saturday everyone!

February 1, 2018

I had a really great ending to the month of January and to keep the momentum going I went to work this morning with a to-do list for things that need to (and stuff I want) get done. I had new logos to draw (I love a challenge) and wanted to get my first 6-word story done for this month. Also on my list, was my reading journal because I got my hands on one of the books that are on my 2018 ‘Book’ bucket list and wanted to get that started.

I had all these great ideas for projects and feeling very creative until my partner in the art room was talking to a supervisor and ‘Bob’ came in. Now he’s the one that’s I wrote about in my journal post from last month just to recap. I already had a mild headache but completely bearable and he had said something to my partner but never addressed me. He sat there for what felt like 5 minutes (never addressing me) then got up and slammed the art room door. Anxiety started to rise in my chest. I sent him an email apologizing for ignoring him and I sincerely thought that he was talking to my partner. He never acknowledged my email or me. Instead, he sent another email with this:

(my name) You need to do this:

Then lists what he needed from me. I did what was on the list and never even got a thank you. More anxiety and even panic. Now I’m wondering if he’s trying to get me fired and worried he’s personally out to get me. I couldn’t concentrate. I felt like a nobody. I apologized for something that I didn’t do and gave an explanation to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I was acting exactly how I acted when I was with my ex. How could I let him do that to me?

I could go to my managing supervisor but he doesn’t do anything. We don’t have an HR. I don’t know what to do. I was feeling great yesterday because I figured out the 3D software that my hiring supervisor wanted me to figure out. Super proud of myself and now I’ve been reduced to nothing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should talk to him only for him to browbeat me into some more apologies. I’m going to try and write my 6-word story…I’ll start there.

No Words Other than F&*%

I’m absolutely at a lost for words. My adventure of having my dog, Clover trained as my much needed service dog has come to a complete F*&%ING HALT! I’m at a lost for words and my hyperventilation in a brown paper bag isn’t much help either.

She completed the first step of obedience 1 class when she became pregnant and had to take a break from Petco’s AKC Good Citizen test training. Her passing this class was the last step before her service dog training. I found a trainer (at the time) that was willing to work out payments with me and EVERYTHING has fallen apart!

I tried setting up a time for Clover to come back for her CGC training but was informed to much time has gone by and I would not only have to pay for her Obedience 1 again but wait for the next class…never mind that I have already paid for her CGC training. Frustrated but still had my wits about me I called the certified individual that will no longer take payments and doesn’t have the room for Clover in upcoming classes! This is when I threw my phone across the house broke down and started crying uncontrollably like a child that has been denied their blanket. Only…it’s not because I’m spoiled. It’s because my sense of being protected at all times and comfort has been ripped away.

So myself and my husband started calling around and not only are people not willing to workout payment plans, some only do service dogs for veterans and won’t consider my CPTSD as a legitimately valid diagnoses or issue to train my dog, one even asked for proof! Proof?! I have it on a medical document that I have it but it’s PRIVATE! They want to see a private medical document?! MY OWN HUSBAND doesn’t know every detail of what happened to me let alone my doctors! I’m still trying to trust my therapist! WTF! WTF! At this point I had torn up my kitchen looking for a small brown paper bag to breathe into and curled up on the floor making the bag pulsate with every heave of my chest. Clover climbed in my lap and pressed against me with her head on my shoulder. I started to calm into soft tears.

I don’t know what to do. Money is SO tight, trainers aren’t willing to help in any way, and unless I’m a veteran there is no hope. I feel so deflated and drained and again made to feel like I’m wrong about what’s wrong with me! How is this possible? My husband suggested a ‘GoFundMe’ campaign…are you kidding?! Those rarely work. What would mine say? ‘Please help this crazy emotionally unstable woman that endured over 10 years of rape, mental and physical abuse by her ex husband that is in the Air Force, have her Pitbull trained to be her service dog?! NO ONE and I MEAN NO ONE would jump on that band wagon.

Thoughts of self-harm and suicide have been drifting in and out of my head off and on. I haven’t acted on them but they are there. I don’t know what to do,who to ask for advice, where to go…I have no f*&%ing idea. Just at a loss!

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