UGH ADULTING IS A LOT!

Morning Readers…
I started yesterday on a short story and POOF! Gone! I don’t know if our IT guy at work has now blocked simple Microsoft Office programs or if my computer crashed. With my Adobe work still fulling intact, I’m betting my money on him being a prude and blocking most everything. What I have been doing is starting my writing in Word and pasting in my draft. Now, I’ll be using Google Docs. Why this is going to be short, I’m doing more adult tasks like setting up my portfolio to better my chances at getting a different job. Why didn’t I have one before? I was using iPage with all the backups bells and whistles when it CRASHED 2 years ago. I didn’t worry as I paid extra for their recovery services and that was a waste of money. This means I need to start over. The other problem I’m facing is the fact that I signed a confidentiality contract due to the clients the company work with. This means I need to get creative or take a 3 year hit. Creative it is.

I will try to get more writing in between building my portfolio back up and running plus I’m also working on my Google Ads certification. Fingers crossed I can get this done by tonight. I know this is a lot of mundane information for my readers but this is where I’m at and I’m trying to stay positive. This is also where my head cues my anxiety to join the party and sabotage my goals. Happy Friday everyone.

Deprecation and Humor

I don’t know what I would call this? A poem? It doesn’t qualify as a limerick. It’s just a little conversational example of my thoughts through some days. But I also wanted to include what I tell myself and some of the humor in it. The past month was brutal but I was realized I made it worse for myself. I withdrew from a lot and it wasn’t really for soul searching it was for other reasons. My husband wasn’t much help but I stopped blaming him for most of the issue. I had to pull myself out of the slump. I was afraid that if I fell further into it there would be no coming out. I’m getting there and forcing myself to find time for things I like to do. I included one of my Inktober doodles for this poem. I  thought it was fitting.


I’m not normal, what is wrong with me?
-It’s ok, what is normal anyway?
I’m not society’s vision of beautiful?
-It’s ok, why do you want to be like everyone else?
I don’t make enough money.
-Are you comfortable, house, food, and a little extra for coffee?
I’m not adequate for another job.
-If you don’t try then you’ll never go anywhere?
Why do I question my own existence?
-Are you talking to me?

Odds, Ends and Ink

I have been trying to write some of this post for two days now but I’m swamped at work and it doesn’t end when I get home. I managed to get dinner in the crockpot this morning and write my 6 words but I arrived a little early at work so I have a moment to write.

Can you believe it’s been 4 years since I registered my blog? 4? Where did all this time go? I haven’t been writing an entire 4 years but looking back I’ve been through a lot and glad that everyone has been with me on my journey and given such great advice, warm comments, and awesome support. Thank you, everyone.

As you know I’ve been kicking around the idea of participating in Inktober. I have been really intimidated by all the people that I see posting amazing thumbnails that they haven’t even inked yet. Another factor adding to me nervousness is that I have never work in ink. Watercolor, acrylic, graphite, and even charcoal, yes but ink, no. I have some India ink that I have never used and will be using that. I need to get a couple of different brushes and markers, notebook, and a large pad. The friend that needed to talk the other morning has really opened up and has been using the pens that I got for her. I asked her if she would like to do Inktober. Now, I have an accountability buddy but it benefits her as well. She has an idea of creating 31 days of ink drawings following a Halloween theme on one large paper. I’m in but I also want to do Inktober’s prompt list. What does that mean? Either I combine the two or do two separate. I don’t know which yet but a combining the two, for example, would give me the prompt of a poisonous ghost. How cool would that be? Or a tranquil devil?

Official Inktober Prompts
Halloween Prompts

Liebster Award

I’m being a little rebel here at work and thought now would be as good of a time as any to complete the Liebster Award nomination from Walk the Goats (PSST…THANK YOU). Guys, stop over at the blog and read. The writer’s take on life, Shakespeare and other things is a breath of fresh air. *Side Note* I have tried linking to the Global Aussie for the award origins but the link doesn’t want to connect.Just a heads up. OK, you know the drill…

 

RULES

  1. Thank the person who nominated you; include a link to their blog
  2. Display the Liebster Award logo** on your blog.
  3. Answer the questions given to you
  4. Nominate 5–11 blogs you want to help others discover
  5. Link to the nominees’ pages to let them know they were nominated
  6. Give the nominees 11 new questions they’re to answer
  7. List these rules in your post

Optional but Often Included

  1. Provide 10 random facts about yourself
  2. Write a small post about what makes you passionate about blog posting

My Q & A

  1. What’s something you’ve done that makes you feel proud?
    Raising my kids. No matter how much they try me (believe me they do) they are my greatest accomplishments.
  2. What are you thinking, right now?
    I’m thinking I want to go home because I have a great idea to build on a short story for a novella. Damn the evilness of being an adult!
  3. What’s the largest body of water you’ve ever stood next to?
    Gulf of Mexico
  4. If you knew you would be struck dead six months from today, how would you live until then? Assume all practical stuff has been handled.
    Hmm…am I to be good or evil? A little both: Take the kids on a 5 month around the world vacation. On the 6th month spend my days with my family and become the hand of Karma by night.
  5. Where’s your favorite place to go or favorite thing to do to recharge?
    My favorite thing to do to recharge is literally sleeping.
  6. If you decided to rename your blog, what would you rename it?
    Hmm…I don’t think I could. I love the name. Umm…
  7. When you want comfort food, what do you eat?
    Oh, that’s easy. I make my grandmother’s recipe for fried chicken. There is just something about frying up her chicken recipe that makes like all better again.
  8. Do you have a preference for summer activities or winter activities?
    I would say neither 🙂 I don’t care for the outdoors but if I had to pick summer. But not actual summer more like the weather between spring and summer or summer and fall.
  9. Do you have any special talents you consider unusual? Or that people “know” you for? If so, what?
    Nope, no special talents unless you count sarcasm.
  10. If you were to paint your bedroom a new color, what color would you pick?
    I already repainted my room. It was a gaudy pink-red color. Couldn’t classify it as maroon, red, purple…trust me it was bad. I chose two neutral grey tones.
  11. Of the 10 previous questions, which was the most fun to answer?
    The comfort food one…I LOVE food 🙂

My Noms (remember you are not obliged to participate but if so, have some fun)

  1. Just_Me:) at happymesshappiness
  2. T. Shaw
  3. Emotional Notions
  4. Lawrence Illoc
  5. Nadya Irsalina

Q & A for Noms

  1. Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?
  2. Do you believe in second chances?
  3. When was the last time you lied? Why?
  4. What big lesson could someone learn from your life?
  5. What fictional place would you most like to go?
  6. Are you usually early or late?
  7. What age do you wish you could permanently be?
  8. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?
  9. If you could change your name, what would it be?
  10. Do you believe in Karma or in doing good?
  11. How are you doing today?

Ok, have fun 🙂

April 26th, 2018 and Polls

My monthly A to Z challenge is starting to come to an end. I have read some great content from other bloggers like Ian and mine covering different letters under one theme and some have been a continuing series like the wonderful Tale Spinning (I recommend you start from the beginning). I will post a recap and some intentional plans and a question asking my fellow bloggers in our community that will hopefully satisfy the void that I will surely feel after my challenge is over. In the meantime, I have a poll. I will be hosting a giveaway. No purchase is required just a little thought.

For the writer in you, I propose a giveaway for a really short piece of flash fiction of 50 words covering a prompt. All posts would be published (it’s your writing so you get credit) but the winner gets the prize. Anyone can write. So input time:

For the artist, I wanted to also do a giveaway. A short prompt that you can doodle, paint, sketch etc…What I’m asking what would you like to draw for. All posts will be published (of course you get credit) but winner takes the prize.

I wanted to wait until I had 500 followers but I feel now would be a good time to start putting this together. I appreciate your poll answers and look forward to the hosting my first giveaway (eek!). I’ll compile my data and have a giveaway reveal. Please feel free to share.

Watercolor and Self-Care

I promised myself that I would add better quality paints, inks, pens, etc…little by little. Yesterday before sitting down and working on a longer short story I wanted to purchase a better quality gel pen. I have been working with cheaper quality and it showed in my art. I really wanted a white gel to gain better highlighting details. So, I did just that. The really good white gel pen was in a locked case so I went with the second recommendation that I received-the Gelly Roll. I am in LOVE with the pigment and water resistance.

I watched movies with my husband last night so I didn’t do much else. But this morning, I woke up and realized daylight savings time occurred while we slept so I rushed to get ready and do the weekly grocery trip. Even though I was early I ran into a LOT of old customers from my bartending jobs. I heard about how much they missed me, that I needed to return to clean out the bar and get better people in there, that the whole town suffered…the list goes on. All that did was stress me out. I wanted nothing more than to get out of there but I had to finish the marketing. I did and I also forgot some things which I will send my husband to get. I was anxious and on the verge of a panic attack. I came home and cleaned out my writing/art area because my kids just can’t understand that it’s my safe space but they’ll get there. Now that I rambled on about my CPTSD and how my flight overran my fight here’s something I did to help calm me and get me back to a healthy frame of mind.

This is a watercolor Strawberry Finch. Fun fact, I have finches next to my desk because their songs help me relax.

The supplies I used:

  • 140lb cold press (it’s a journal and I’m not ready to move to large projects plus I like the texture of the paper which is also soothing for me to hear the brush against)
  • Gelly Roll gel pen (white)
  • Faber-Castell pen (fine point black ink)
  • Indian Ink (still learning to play with the ink)
  • Watercolors (right now Daler and Rowney tubes-they’re affordable for me at the moment)
  • Brush Pens (cheap and learned they don’t work well on wet paper)

I want to attempt a colorful rooster and something fluffy but that’s for a different day. Completing this small bird was an accomplishment for me. I was able to relax and focus. My heart rate slowed and my mind wasn’t overthinking anything. It was my self-care. I took time to do something that made me feel better.

What is your outlet to calm down or something that you do for your self-care? Don’t feel guilty. I’m still learning not to feel guilty and not to give too much of myself because there isn’t anything left for me.

6 Word Story: 2/13

I had so much joy last night from my many failures and final follow-through with the watercolor that I thought this was fitting. I am actually smiling. Not a, ‘I’m ok smile so please go away so I don’t have to explain CPTSD’ smile but a genuine smile. Something not done in a long time from being creative.


Prompt: Full Jar

Swish, scrape, swish; dip to rinse.

Learn Something New

I haven’t had the chance to be creative. Who the hell am I kidding-I haven’t been me in years. CPTSD isn’t something that goes away because the scars of abuse last longer in the memory than it does on skin. I know my kids and husband suffer because of it. So, I tried to learn something new (art wise). Believe me when I say I had to FORCE myself to complete the little art course and that was even after I stopped a few days in a row to make way for my depression, anxiety, and dealing with the kids.

Kawaii according to the Urban Dictionary – An adjective in Japanese meaning ” pretty; cute; lovely; charming; dear; darling; pet” It’s stem is two kanji meaning “can love”. It is

commonly used by anime and manga fans. I had NO IDEA what this was but wanted to dabble. Now I can’t get enough and want to draw and learn more. Unfortunately I don’t have the money from some of the tutorials and even though there are images I can sketch from, they aren’t truly mine. Anyone have any ideas? But I was able to do some more sketching and then creating some digital graphics.  I would really like to do a daily comic about my life with CPTSD and interactions with family and the outside world. I’ll never do it though. As sad as that statement was I don’t have the time.

I love drawing both traditional and digital but I really want to write. I have all these story ideas and just can’t figure out how to get the ideas to make sense. I’m the type of person that needs to be shown how. Not to be belittled, talked down to or made to feel stupid. I pretty much take care of that myself. Maybe I can find an online workshop so I don’t have the anxiety of being around other people? Any idea…one’s that won’t cost me an arm and a leg?

December 15, 2017

I cried last night, I cried again tonight. I’m trying not to let me get the best of me so I tried pixel art. No tutorials or research just basic knowledge of what pixel art is.

By definition per Wikipedia:

Pixel art is a form of digital art, created through the use of software, where images are edited on the pixellevel. The majority of graphics for 8-bit and 16-bit computers and video game consoles, as well as other limited systems like graphing calculators, is pixel art.

Creating or modifying pixel art characters or objects for video games is sometimes called spriting, a term that arose from the hobbyist community.

So, I tried it using a pixel art app (anything with a grid that you can color will work) . Between trying this pixel art tonight and Clover (my pitty) laying her head on my chest trying to tell me ‘it’s ok’ in her own way I’ve managed to to somewhat calm down.

Why I’m upset? It’s a sea of emotions and it’s hard for me to find the major cause. What do y’all do when your mind gets the best of you?

Why Am I Tattooed??

I have been asked repeatedly why I’m covered in tattoos? Or had comments like, ‘You would be a much more beautiful person if you didn’t ruin your body with tattoos. I never got offended but couldn’t figure out why. So I just thought about it a bit and flashed to memory from my past.

I normally don’t talk about the past much because it causes a lot in my head and then my body reacts either in the form of a paralyzing panic attack, 3 days in bed and crying or even a nose bleed. Sometimes it’s all 3. But this is different.

Tattoos are my shield and history. How I came to this conclusion was memory. When I was dating my  ex-husband he said that his family were strict Pentecostals and that they didn’t believe in body modifications, haircuts, and whole lot of other things that I don’t remember and really don’t care to. Long story short, to protect myself from him throughout the years I would have new ink added. It was my shield. I would be less attractive to him and he believed that we would never be together because I defiled my body.

My ink is my shield, illustrated story of my survival, celebration of not being with him anymore, my art and ideas, and history of my family and beliefs. I’m proud of what I have and still a firm believer that my ink is my shield as it offers insight to other people and helps make a quick decision of who to consider worthy of my time.

Don’t let other people’s opinions get in your head over your decisions. You do what protects you from anxiety, depression, and other people.

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