A place where I can be creative and understand me.
I didn’t do much in the styling of this picture. There’s much more to it than the legos that were put together. This is what it looks like when I’m functioning with anxiety and depression all while trying to seem like everything is OK. I tried to do some editing and even like the grainy vintage effect that I was able to achieve. The complimentary palette almost translates Harry Potter but not quite.
#1C1D26, #0896A6, #59D9D9, #038C65, #8C2727
I don’t write poetry simply because it never comes out right. I had a meltdown yesterday over something that could have been laughed at. The stress from a toxic work environment just sent me over the edge. All the after-school plans changed because the kids couldn’t make up their mind so I was scrambling. When I got home to cook a dinner that I originally had no intention of doing was the straw of the camel’s back. I turned on the wrong burner and melted a bag of rice to the burner. I picked it up and rice went everywhere. Normally, that is something I would laugh at but I just couldn’t. I cried and had the breakdown that I needed. This is what anxiety and depression looked like in my house yesterday. This is what a day’s worth of anxiety build brings when in a toxic environment. With everything still on my mind the best I could do was to get it out like this:
She has hearing like a bat, 
heard every word.
Skills honed to
better hear the car door.
She can feel the tension,
its felt when walking in the room.
Her body is conditioned
to prepare for assaults.
She worries about your thoughts,
she can tell by the look on faces.
Her mind does this
in preparation for anything to come.
She’s alert to her surroundings,
without looking she knows who’s walking in the room.
Always alert because she
always had to be on guard.
She’s silent without a second thought,
already knows you don’t want to hear her.
Silence ensures lack
of violent encounters.
To you, she seems cold,
refusing to be fake.
To her, it’s about survival and her guide,
years of abusive trial and error.
Last night for Valentine’s day as you may know from my last 365 Day project post that the evening was spent in the ER. I have been having a really bad week in a toxic work environment that it finally caught up with me. It was after lunch yesterday that I had to deal with a coworker treating me like I was beneath him and talked down to me about a subject that he knew nothing about NOR would he listen to what I was trying to say. Ultimately, in the end, he learned that I was right (I’ve only been doing graphics for the company for over two years and he’s worked there less than 6 months). This prompted unpleasant behavior on both our parts. I refused to talk to him and he refused to be a decent human being.
After that little spat, my abdomen started hurting. Not like, ‘Oh ouch…I ate too much food’. It was, ‘I’m going to die here at my desk because my appendix just burst,’ pain. I had an hour and 45 minutes left of my day and sat there in pain doing graphics and dealing with people that could care less about me. I made it home and still, I stubbornly refused a trip to the walk-in clinic. My son had a little class recital and promised that I would see him sing. That’s when I felt a pop and decided that I should probably get looked at. Got to the clinic and because my symptoms weren’t a direct tell-all of what was going on I had a first class ride in a wheelchair to the ER side of the building.
They were polite and asked, ‘Have you left the country recently? Has someone visited you from another country recently?’ Me still having some humor still left in me, ‘Yes, I just got back from the Congo.’ Y’ALL! You could physically see this woman cease breathing and step back. I laughed then started crying because it hurt to laugh when my husband chimed in that I was kidding.
After blood work and scans, the ER doc made it to where I could run see my son sing and come back. Luckily my longsleeved jacket hid the IV port. I got back to the ER got my pain and anti-nausea meds when we all learned that I have ulcers and inflamed intestines. I haven’t had these in almost 12 years. The last time was when I was in an abusive relationship trying to figure out how to leave him and raise kids. The ER doc prescribed more meds and I have a follow-up appointment with my family doctor. I just need to watch for blood and if any is seen then I need to head STRAIGHT back. Then he lectured me about stress and trying to find a different job to breathing exercises.
So, here I am Friday evening, my stomach killing me trying to catch up on EVERYTHING. To top it off my comments are missing here in WP along with other notifications. Please, everyone, bare with me as I try to navigate things. And THANK YOU, EVERYONE, for the well wishes 🙂 It means a lot!
I had a super difficult morning trying to get to work and I couldn’t even write before getting ready. Luckily, I had a friend send her husband back by my house to take me into work because the car was stuck IN MY DRIVEWAY! Yay snow! Then when I get to work it only got worse as I tried to adjust my attitude. The office staff, on in particular treats me like I’m beneath him. It was so bad in fact that my nose started bleeding and I was able to make it to my supervisor’s office before the panic attack set in.
There I told him enough was enough. I can no longer work in an environment like this, I no longer care about my job which I was once so passionate about, and I’m not in a good state of mind after a couple of weeks of everything I’ve endured here. I told him unapologetically that this is my two-week notice. And he said hold on to that because I have big plans for you. WTF! Did he not hear me? Mentally, this place is no longer good for me. My blood pressure and anxiety are through the roof.
I ignored emails and the people in the office for about 30 minutes so I could do this little vector up. Something to remind me to love myself. Why can’t I freelance from home? Oh yeah, not in this small town. It’s almost time to leave so I’m going to go home and think about what I’m going to do for my photo project tonight since we have over a foot of snow on the ground. Thanks for letting me rant.
I know, I know. My comics are usually posted early but with Disting tonight, errands that needed to be done, and my son getting up super early it was better for me to post later so I can focus my entire energy on it. This week I decided that I would use Adobe Illustrator rather than Photoshop and even experimented with color. I think I may be on to something with the hand-drawn elements, vectors, and colors. What do you think?
The situation that this is covering is the fact that I sat on the fence about cutting my hair. I felt so bad about myself at work that I needed a positive change. Then my anxiety ‘cat’ kicked in with all the self-doubt and worries. FYI I’m now in love with my shorter hair.
Happy Saturday Y’all!
Yup, Monday. I really want to stay home and cook and be creative but I’m going to go to work, do my job, and come home. The people are responsible for catfishing my job responsibilities know who they are and are aware that I’m ONLY going to do what they didn’t hire me to do. I have spoken up and I have made it known to the people that need to be informed. I received excuses and, ‘hand in there.’ I really hope I nail the interview tomorrow.
Pocket Translation:
A foolish man is all night awake, pondering
over everything; he then grows tired;
and when morning comes, all is
lament as before.
Chisholm:
The stupid man lies awake all night
and thinks about everything
and is tired in the morning
though all is as it was.
This is something I need to work on myself. Having CPTSD there are times that if I’ve gotten upset during the day about something my insomnia will kick in and I overthink the situation for hours. I’ll stress and give my anxiety anxiety trying to figure out a solution to the problem and how to fix it. If it was an argument I’ll entertain other ideas. This stanza is advising not to lose sleep over something when all that does is make you tired the next day and possibly over a problem that can’t be solved. Get the rest and think clearly the next morning. Happy Monday Y’all.
I had a wonderful idea for my comic that woke me up. I am an OK doodler when I want to be but a horrible digital doodler. I worked on this for a couple hours this morning and realized it’s a doodle and it’s part of my new year’s goal to be creative. My little anxiety cat helped with my weigh-in this week as Y’all have already seen. This pretty much sums up what my weigh-in days feel like.
I have been working on this comic here and there all day. I couldn’t nail a concept then the idea of what was going on in my character’s world kept changing. I don’t have a cat but I feel like my anxiety is like a cat sometimes and today I wanted to illustrate the stealthiness of it.
This week I ‘fleshed’ the character out a bit more and gave her hair that literally has a mind of its own. Mine has so many layers from different stylists that I may need to cut it into a short bob just to even everything out. I wanted that for the girl in the comic. This is a way for me to make light of my C-PTSD at times and I’m hoping to introduce new characters throughout. I have committed to 52 weeks (a year’s worth) of comic doodles. I don’t quite have a name for my little comic yet. Any ideas?
Saturday is my day to get all the errands completed even when the budget gets tighter than what was expected. Groceries are first and then my photo for the day which I’ll be trying to capture in a town over since that’s where I pick up groceries. Then it’s trying to poorly draw my comic for the week. If it brings a giggle then so be it.
Then it’s Thor’s Blot tonight with the kindred and I’m just trying to hammer out some details that were not mentioned on the event page. This means possibly putting a dish together at last minute with as little funds as possible.
Now, in a panicked fast voice read on: I need to pick up groceries but leave enough money left over to possibly make a dish to pass at the blot tonight, then I need to get a photo for my 365 Day project because I CANNOT flake out on that if I want to get better at cell phone photos. Oh, I need to edit them and post too. I can do that from my phone if I have to but I hate it. What is my comic going to be about this week? Ugh, fuck it. I’ll wing it. Oh, I need to look for one of my wacoms and PRAY that there is still software somewhere for me to download. I got on the treadmill this morning but I better make sure and eat low points today because if there is food at the blot I would want to eat. Damn the mead, I’m going to have to dip in my weekly points. Not a problem I have almost a full bank. Shit, I need to put money in the kids’ lunch account, and gas. Gas needs to go in the car. It’s almost 6 in the morning I if I look now I can find the tablet and doodle in peace before the kids get up. Too late, I heard legos being dumped in the floor upstairs. Leftovers, the kids can have leftovers tonight and the younger one goes with us.
This is almost exactly what it’s like with my anxiety but what people are not seeing is the depression because all I want to do is crawl back into bed and forget what all needs to be done and went through my head. I know I have forgotten something and will remember it when it’s past time to be done or due. Off to look for one of my archaic Wacom tablets. Happy Saturday everyone!
After 2 years, I was approached by my hiring manager and was told that I would finally be able to do social media for the company. That’s why they hired me! It took them this long to figure out that the company needs some sort of online presence other than an outdated website that I’m not allowed to touch either. I’m super happy don’t get me wrong but why the change of heart? Was it the search history on my computer and my applying to other job activities?
Tomorrow is weigh in day but I have made a commitment to either write tonight or paint. The coin toss will happen after I cook dinner.
Prompt: Concern
I was (still am) full of excitement as we are attending a festival today. Normally, I don’t care to be around people, my anxiety almost forbids it. But today is different, they are like-minded and arent’ judgmental. I’m actually going to take along my watercolors to test the waters if I feel comfortable enough to paint with possible onlookers.
I readied myself for my walk when I noticed approaching the local track that the stadium lights were on and tents were being set up…ugh that’s right! The Bugle Mouth tournamanet is today as well. Outsiders from all over ascend on the town and are even more jerks than the people that live here. I’m still an outsider here after 7 years. I seen movement then people running and knew immediately that there was no way my fat ass is going to speed walk in front of all those fit people. Instead I stuck to the sidewalks and put my steps/time in and came home.
My husband hates when I walk the neighboorhood and is seriously creeped out by a guy-but I’ve never seen him. He said, ‘That’s the problem. You don’t see him but I do.’ Now, I’m getting fitted for a new holster for my carry conceal and yoga pants. I know, I’m rambling but it’s a cross between adrenaline and happiness-something I haven’t felt in a while. Busy day of festivities and catching up on my paintings. Happy Saturday everyone!
Prompt Word: Hostility
Super productive today. The writing for my creative writing course, Fenton Friday, work at my day job, dinner is done, now my doodle(s)wash.
I decided to participate in this G2K (graciously hosted by ROE) and even though it will be a longer than usual read I think it will be good for me. Good for me? Yes, this was or still is a contributing factor to my anxiety. You’ll see what I mean.
The shaming of an Ex P.O.:
I’m actually ok with the rules of being on the outs. One positive approach I see in it is that it has shown me what true friendship is. Unfortunately, it wasn’t there, not with those women. The club preached a philosophy of family and supporting one another but had no concept (even after my failed suicide attempt). Why try to be with people who don’t see it as what they speak of? Him leaving is a shame that they try to make me feel. It’s not my shame to feel and really it isn’t his either. It’s them that failed at being brothers and sisters.
I am really not enjoying, ‘A year to a better you,’ 6-word story prompts. I think that I am bitter about having to move my entire writing/painting area into my dungeon of a room. I say dungeon due to the lack of windows. I sulked for a few hours last night before going to bed. I didn’t doodle or paint. I’ll try to do it today in my room but it doesn’t feel like me. It’s not airy or light. I can’t stand it. I know, it’s weird to say that about a place that a person is supposed to feel the most comfortable but I’m a creature of habit. I miss my area. I also found myself bargaining with myself about points. I’m just super bitter about losing my creative space to the clunky machine of an AC. Bitter is the best I can be today which is kind of the opposite of 6-word story. I’ll try and take my own advice.
Prompt Word: Pollinate
Journal confession time. I have been harboring a lot of guilt about a goal that I set and actually went the opposite direction. I wanted to lose at least 20lbs at the same time I quit smoking. I haven’t had a cigarette since January 12th but need to lose a LOT more weight. I’ve tried keto (didn’t satisfy) tried smaller portions (already do because of the gastric bypass) and a lot of other gimmick stuff. I realized that I’m happy with my ability to find time to paint and write but need to focus on my weight.
I took a walk this morning before work and writing and felt really bad about how I looked while doing it. How can I exercise when I feel anxious about people watching me and possibly secretly judging me. That’s the anxiety working in me and shaking hands with the depressive state that I fall in with. I could’ve easily gone home but reminded myself that it was still dark out and people are heading to work and are probably late. I walked fasted just to get home before the sun came all the way up. My daughter turned 16 today and I thought if I keep going the way I’m going I’m not going to be healthy enough to enjoy my kids anymore like I was before. So, part of getting healthy this year was to quit smoking and I think I nailed it. Now, it’s time to control and manage my eating and weight. This entails me going to the store after work, purchasing a weight scale, and possible leggings to walk-in.
I researched many options and due to my family’s strict budget I made the first step and signed up for Weight Watcher’s Freestyle program. Fingers crossed I’m able to figure out meals with what I have and will get what I need (portion size for one because my family eats regular foods without a care in the world) on my next grocery shopping trip. Speaking of grocery shopping with my C-PTSD and anxiety I learned that I can shop through Wal-Marts grocery app which will also help me from going through the aisles and shopping with, ‘Oh that would taste awesome’ mentality.
After joining (still needing to feel out a few profile fields), I saw where I can track what I eat. Banana, coffee with chocolate caramel creamer, a babybel cheese, salad with greek dressing and croutons all added up-QUICKLY. It was clear about my food choices and guilt turned to shame. I synched my Fitbit app to my Weight Watcher’s app, opted for water instead of V8 and only had 1/2 cup of spicy ranch popcorn. I will research tonight more recipes and things that I can change and do differently.
I feel better fessing up to my guilt and shame and I guess I’ll take my readers along with me. I’m still going to write, paint, and doodle just now I’ll do it hungry. Kidding, not hungry but mindful of what I put in my body.
Dear Journal (and everyone that reads),
I thought I was doing great the past few weeks with only minor pangs of anxiety and one night of flashbacks. I survived the A to Z blogging challenge and set out a new goal for a novella that I would like to publish. I haven’t written or did anything on that since my goal but I’m ok with that as I have time this weekend to write. I have been enjoying my new doodle and watercolor challenges. It’s my zen place.
Today everything seems off. I haven’t written or read anything. I had plans to go and exchange some things but have canceled. I have been reduced to slipping on yoga pants and starting dinner. I refuse to crawl into bed and just lose composure-I know I’ll lay there for days. I was misled by pretty words today by someone that people are supposed to trust. I have been having issues with a woman that has the biggest head on her shoulders. Her inflated sense of entitlement I have confronted many times. She seems to have everyone wrapped around her fingers but I refuse to conform. I will argue with her when she’s wrong with anything marketing or graphic design-wise. The company hired me to bring in those elements of knowledge. I was hired under the impression that I was a team member but have been treated as an outcast. I’m not the only educated individual they have done this too but she, she makes my career life hell and goes out of her way to do so.
Today, instead she sent one of the owners (CEO) of the company to come and do her evil bidding. He used words like and phrases like, ‘collaboration, your expertise, eye for creativity and detail, and what you bring to the table.’ All pretty and promising words. Ones that made me think he actually did his job, knocked her down a peg and educated her that she needs to be able to work with other. I agreed that I could collaborate and work with her. She brought in a piece of paper, ‘Do this, what’s in this example.’ And left. Finding another graphic design job, in my area, for what little I am getting paid is proving to be difficult. I have never felt so ostracised by the company…the owner of the company. What’s the point in me being there? Am her personal assistant or do I work for the company? The ONLY thing I did was worked a program and made a document specification requested. I didn’t bring anything creative to the table, just regurgitated another version of an ad that SHE saw from last year. It was a bad ad done by a small company and elements of the ad were from the 90’s. How can I keep us going forward when she keeps us in the back.
I feel used, lied to, unappreciated as a graphic designer, and made to feel like I’m beneath everyone as a human. What’s the point? My anxiety was horrible (I would go to the bathroom just to sit and rock) and the feeling of being worthless is overwhelming. So, For now, I’m going to finish cooking dinner and do some painting trying not to give into the sinking feeling. The darkness that feels like a protective friend but isn’t. I may just call in tomorrow.
Words of advice-Try and see through the pretty words, it will prepare you for the lies beneath.
If it wasn’t for what my father instilled in me along with his pride I don’t think I could make it through the daily anxiety and depression.
Prompt Word: Planted
Your roots will give you strength.
I didn’t post my daily doodle yesterday. I was exhausted but not from physical work. I’m beginning to think that what they hired me to do at my daily job-I’ll never do. But what I am required to do is to be the designated individual this certain person throws under the bus because she failed to get her part of ANYTHING done. Luck was on her side. I didn’t pick up a cigarette due to stress but decided that I want to stay smoke-free. I instead walked away. I was close to just decking her in the jaw but then that would be the southern roughneck behavior they all expect to see. If she doesn’t communicate what she really wants then I’ll give her exactly what she asks for. Only, the last time I did that she started informing the office what an idiot I was. A supervisor had to step in an remind her that I can’t look at her butt and read her mind. She needs to communicate better. Oh, did that ever piss her off! I have a romance to write today and hopefully work goes well.
Random Doodle Words:
4/19-Luck
4/20-Communication
I haven’t posted a journal entry in what feels like months. I have been busy trying to keep up with the A to Z blogging challenge, my daily doodles, and my 60word stories. I was right, I bit off more than I can chew with the theme that I chose. The beautifully written bright side to all of this hard work and stress about my theme is that I get the chance to explore. I’m exploring new genres and learning that I can do something if I put my mind to it.
Things I’ve missed though are starting to add up. I miss my blogging community. Reading posts, poems, and all the artwork. I also miss participating in 99-word prompts and Discover’s daily prompt and hopefully, I’ll be able to get back on track with those. Then throw in being sick, working 40+ hours a week, taking care of kids and house I’m lucky to get in the shower. In all honesty, I think if it wasn’t for my anxiety I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m doing now. I have stolen a few minutes from my daily chores here at work to write this and I feel better already.
I appreciate all my readers for their support. Also, I do read your posts and find brilliance in words and images. I have big plans for my short stories and will also be doing a couple of give-a-ways through Amazon. This weekend I’m going to try a Pinterest recipe and see if I fail and burn the house down or end up with a family favorite side dish. I do not regret for one moment that I chose to participate in the writing challenge but I think next year I’ll choose something that isn’t so difficult.
Today was a great coming out of the gate. I made it into work on time and in a positive frame of mind. Then I found out what was really being said about me and was told that I act like an adult and the ‘persons’ responsible are acting like children. That’s great and all but I’m the anxious over-thinker worried about losing my job over untruthful BS. So, I wrote my short story and felt better…loads better. The story was fun and I tried to turn the prompt into something no one expected.
Then there were meetings and of course, I’m sitting across from the forked-tongued individuals. No eye contact was made but the tension was clearly visible. I did, however, thrive in the meeting which I’m afraid only made worse. They were talking a design and coding language that I understand and could speak back. Then they were later showed my computer station where I was able to be the geek that I am explaining what I do and how I do it.
Now for my good stuff of the day. I think I need to start thinking about the positive elements of my day to help keep the negative from playing over and over in my head. I was nominated for two more blogging awards which I will curate those blogs Friday. SUPER excited about those and I will thank those people again and give them the recognition they deserve. And I have decided to participate in the A to Z challenge! I know it’s a big bite to take but I thought since I want to also participate in the NANO month challenge it would be a great exercise. I have been able to write my 6-word stories, daily doodles and even write short stories through other prompts why not actually plan something and work on it.
A to Z needs a theme. I have decided to add a page to the site just for this but can also add other challenges I decided to do. So I will be working on that this week as well. It makes me feel good to think about writing and things like this. I will also start my alphabet journal the same day as my challenge begins. That’s my start date and should end the same time as my challenge. I am still going to try to also keep up with my daily doodles and 6-word stories.
RECAP LIST
All in all the blog, art, writing, and the music I listen to help me through the anxiety and depressive states from outside individuals that feel my C-PTSD isn’t real. I wish they could spend a day in my brain. So, off to do my doodle and some research. Thanks for reading Y’all.
