A place where I can be creative and understand me.
I didn’t do much in the styling of this picture. There’s much more to it than the legos that were put together. This is what it looks like when I’m functioning with anxiety and depression all while trying to seem like everything is OK. I tried to do some editing and even like the grainy vintage effect that I was able to achieve. The complimentary palette almost translates Harry Potter but not quite.
#1C1D26, #0896A6, #59D9D9, #038C65, #8C2727
I don’t write poetry simply because it never comes out right. I had a meltdown yesterday over something that could have been laughed at. The stress from a toxic work environment just sent me over the edge. All the after-school plans changed because the kids couldn’t make up their mind so I was scrambling. When I got home to cook a dinner that I originally had no intention of doing was the straw of the camel’s back. I turned on the wrong burner and melted a bag of rice to the burner. I picked it up and rice went everywhere. Normally, that is something I would laugh at but I just couldn’t. I cried and had the breakdown that I needed. This is what anxiety and depression looked like in my house yesterday. This is what a day’s worth of anxiety build brings when in a toxic environment. With everything still on my mind the best I could do was to get it out like this:
She has hearing like a bat, 
heard every word.
Skills honed to
better hear the car door.
She can feel the tension,
its felt when walking in the room.
Her body is conditioned
to prepare for assaults.
She worries about your thoughts,
she can tell by the look on faces.
Her mind does this
in preparation for anything to come.
She’s alert to her surroundings,
without looking she knows who’s walking in the room.
Always alert because she
always had to be on guard.
She’s silent without a second thought,
already knows you don’t want to hear her.
Silence ensures lack
of violent encounters.
To you, she seems cold,
refusing to be fake.
To her, it’s about survival and her guide,
years of abusive trial and error.
Last night for Valentine’s day as you may know from my last 365 Day project post that the evening was spent in the ER. I have been having a really bad week in a toxic work environment that it finally caught up with me. It was after lunch yesterday that I had to deal with a coworker treating me like I was beneath him and talked down to me about a subject that he knew nothing about NOR would he listen to what I was trying to say. Ultimately, in the end, he learned that I was right (I’ve only been doing graphics for the company for over two years and he’s worked there less than 6 months). This prompted unpleasant behavior on both our parts. I refused to talk to him and he refused to be a decent human being.
After that little spat, my abdomen started hurting. Not like, ‘Oh ouch…I ate too much food’. It was, ‘I’m going to die here at my desk because my appendix just burst,’ pain. I had an hour and 45 minutes left of my day and sat there in pain doing graphics and dealing with people that could care less about me. I made it home and still, I stubbornly refused a trip to the walk-in clinic. My son had a little class recital and promised that I would see him sing. That’s when I felt a pop and decided that I should probably get looked at. Got to the clinic and because my symptoms weren’t a direct tell-all of what was going on I had a first class ride in a wheelchair to the ER side of the building.
They were polite and asked, ‘Have you left the country recently? Has someone visited you from another country recently?’ Me still having some humor still left in me, ‘Yes, I just got back from the Congo.’ Y’ALL! You could physically see this woman cease breathing and step back. I laughed then started crying because it hurt to laugh when my husband chimed in that I was kidding.
After blood work and scans, the ER doc made it to where I could run see my son sing and come back. Luckily my longsleeved jacket hid the IV port. I got back to the ER got my pain and anti-nausea meds when we all learned that I have ulcers and inflamed intestines. I haven’t had these in almost 12 years. The last time was when I was in an abusive relationship trying to figure out how to leave him and raise kids. The ER doc prescribed more meds and I have a follow-up appointment with my family doctor. I just need to watch for blood and if any is seen then I need to head STRAIGHT back. Then he lectured me about stress and trying to find a different job to breathing exercises.
So, here I am Friday evening, my stomach killing me trying to catch up on EVERYTHING. To top it off my comments are missing here in WP along with other notifications. Please, everyone, bare with me as I try to navigate things. And THANK YOU, EVERYONE, for the well wishes 🙂 It means a lot!
I had a super difficult morning trying to get to work and I couldn’t even write before getting ready. Luckily, I had a friend send her husband back by my house to take me into work because the car was stuck IN MY DRIVEWAY! Yay snow! Then when I get to work it only got worse as I tried to adjust my attitude. The office staff, on in particular treats me like I’m beneath him. It was so bad in fact that my nose started bleeding and I was able to make it to my supervisor’s office before the panic attack set in.
There I told him enough was enough. I can no longer work in an environment like this, I no longer care about my job which I was once so passionate about, and I’m not in a good state of mind after a couple of weeks of everything I’ve endured here. I told him unapologetically that this is my two-week notice. And he said hold on to that because I have big plans for you. WTF! Did he not hear me? Mentally, this place is no longer good for me. My blood pressure and anxiety are through the roof.
I ignored emails and the people in the office for about 30 minutes so I could do this little vector up. Something to remind me to love myself. Why can’t I freelance from home? Oh yeah, not in this small town. It’s almost time to leave so I’m going to go home and think about what I’m going to do for my photo project tonight since we have over a foot of snow on the ground. Thanks for letting me rant.
I know, I know. My comics are usually posted early but with Disting tonight, errands that needed to be done, and my son getting up super early it was better for me to post later so I can focus my entire energy on it. This week I decided that I would use Adobe Illustrator rather than Photoshop and even experimented with color. I think I may be on to something with the hand-drawn elements, vectors, and colors. What do you think?
The situation that this is covering is the fact that I sat on the fence about cutting my hair. I felt so bad about myself at work that I needed a positive change. Then my anxiety ‘cat’ kicked in with all the self-doubt and worries. FYI I’m now in love with my shorter hair.
Happy Saturday Y’all!
Yup, Monday. I really want to stay home and cook and be creative but I’m going to go to work, do my job, and come home. The people are responsible for catfishing my job responsibilities know who they are and are aware that I’m ONLY going to do what they didn’t hire me to do. I have spoken up and I have made it known to the people that need to be informed. I received excuses and, ‘hand in there.’ I really hope I nail the interview tomorrow.
Pocket Translation:
A foolish man is all night awake, pondering
over everything; he then grows tired;
and when morning comes, all is
lament as before.
Chisholm:
The stupid man lies awake all night
and thinks about everything
and is tired in the morning
though all is as it was.
This is something I need to work on myself. Having CPTSD there are times that if I’ve gotten upset during the day about something my insomnia will kick in and I overthink the situation for hours. I’ll stress and give my anxiety anxiety trying to figure out a solution to the problem and how to fix it. If it was an argument I’ll entertain other ideas. This stanza is advising not to lose sleep over something when all that does is make you tired the next day and possibly over a problem that can’t be solved. Get the rest and think clearly the next morning. Happy Monday Y’all.
I had a wonderful idea for my comic that woke me up. I am an OK doodler when I want to be but a horrible digital doodler. I worked on this for a couple hours this morning and realized it’s a doodle and it’s part of my new year’s goal to be creative. My little anxiety cat helped with my weigh-in this week as Y’all have already seen. This pretty much sums up what my weigh-in days feel like.
I have been working on this comic here and there all day. I couldn’t nail a concept then the idea of what was going on in my character’s world kept changing. I don’t have a cat but I feel like my anxiety is like a cat sometimes and today I wanted to illustrate the stealthiness of it.
This week I ‘fleshed’ the character out a bit more and gave her hair that literally has a mind of its own. Mine has so many layers from different stylists that I may need to cut it into a short bob just to even everything out. I wanted that for the girl in the comic. This is a way for me to make light of my C-PTSD at times and I’m hoping to introduce new characters throughout. I have committed to 52 weeks (a year’s worth) of comic doodles. I don’t quite have a name for my little comic yet. Any ideas?
Saturday is my day to get all the errands completed even when the budget gets tighter than what was expected. Groceries are first and then my photo for the day which I’ll be trying to capture in a town over since that’s where I pick up groceries. Then it’s trying to poorly draw my comic for the week. If it brings a giggle then so be it.
Then it’s Thor’s Blot tonight with the kindred and I’m just trying to hammer out some details that were not mentioned on the event page. This means possibly putting a dish together at last minute with as little funds as possible.
Now, in a panicked fast voice read on: I need to pick up groceries but leave enough money left over to possibly make a dish to pass at the blot tonight, then I need to get a photo for my 365 Day project because I CANNOT flake out on that if I want to get better at cell phone photos. Oh, I need to edit them and post too. I can do that from my phone if I have to but I hate it. What is my comic going to be about this week? Ugh, fuck it. I’ll wing it. Oh, I need to look for one of my wacoms and PRAY that there is still software somewhere for me to download. I got on the treadmill this morning but I better make sure and eat low points today because if there is food at the blot I would want to eat. Damn the mead, I’m going to have to dip in my weekly points. Not a problem I have almost a full bank. Shit, I need to put money in the kids’ lunch account, and gas. Gas needs to go in the car. It’s almost 6 in the morning I if I look now I can find the tablet and doodle in peace before the kids get up. Too late, I heard legos being dumped in the floor upstairs. Leftovers, the kids can have leftovers tonight and the younger one goes with us.
This is almost exactly what it’s like with my anxiety but what people are not seeing is the depression because all I want to do is crawl back into bed and forget what all needs to be done and went through my head. I know I have forgotten something and will remember it when it’s past time to be done or due. Off to look for one of my archaic Wacom tablets. Happy Saturday everyone!
