Event Anxiety

I’m taking a day off from work today so I can recuperate from the Ostar event with the kindred. No, I wasn’t drunk or hungover. I got ample sleep so it’s not from lack of sleep and trying to explain the fuzz is difficult. I just told my supervisor that I had a stomach bug. In reality, it was my body trying to mend from anxiety and fear. To join the kindred a person needs to speak up in front of everyone at an event such as Yule or Ostar. The anxiety is crippling and I could never speak up and ask. What if everyone voted no?

The Ostar egg hunt went great, the kids had fun painting, and the fire spinning was beautiful. The ritual was moving as always…well, they move me in the sense that it feels right and I’m at home. I was chosen or how it was put, ‘Volutold’ (a cross between volunteering and being told) to be this event’s Valkyrie. Immediately I started to panic. I was reassured that I had one simple line (that I had to say to everyone) and move on. I couldn’t tell you how many times I practiced that in my head. Over and over the line repeated. Not only do I have that going through my head so I don’t screw it up (because it’s a great honor to), I was working on not tripping and falling into the fire or impaling myself with the drinking horn. I think it all went well, I didn’t screw up the line I needed to ask nor did I impale myself on the horn. In the end, it was time to read runes. To uphold the rune reading four wooden ones are thrown to choose people to help in this by reaching out but also sacrificing something. You guessed it, one landed in front of me. I had nothing on me other than my Mjolnir, wedding rings, and a silver tree ring that was an anniversary gift. I wasn’t giving up my wedding rings and my Mjolnir didn’t mean as much as my anniversary ring. So it was the ring that went into the fire. The sacrifice had to be meaningful and this was the only thing I had. My finger is bare but truth be told there isn’t any regret.

As the evening wore on our Sumbel was taking place under the northern lights. I don’t mean we could see them but we were RIGHT UNDER the lights. As I didn’t think things could be any more perfect the moon was rising over a house and the glow was an orange magnificent light. It came time for the circle and I made it through the first two rounds. I hailed the Gods and ancestors but then it was time for the third. Oath, toast, or boast. Oaths are not a no-no but are taken with the utmost care. If you fail with an oath it will affect the kindred Wyrd. That scares me so. I didn’t have anything to toast to but I could have toasted our hosts. DAMN IT! Why didn’t I think of that then? Oh, yeah (wave at my anxiety here). I had a boast which was my job interview I landed for the 28th. Before I could speak, a wonderful person tried to encourage me to ask to join. It was horrible but in a good way. Everyone was staring and people had to vote. I almost threw up twice and held my breath waiting to hear a ‘nay’ but none came.

Now, my body is trying to get better from the panic, fear, and anxiety felt on Saturday? Probably wondering why if it was so bad, do I put myself through this? Because it’s that important to me. Heathenism and Asatru mean that much to me. So today, I’m trying to regroup and think about the responsibility that I have asked to take on. Not only am I learning a new path in life, upholding the modern heathen ways, but I’m also gaining a family. I hope I don’t fail at that. I hope I don’t fail at anything.

So…happy Monday everyone!

 

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