Having children is painful and I don’t mean labor and delivery. I don’t mean lack of sleep and stubbing your toe trying to get the infant back to their crib. I’m not even talking about the sore back from toting a toddler that went full ‘dead weight’ and needing to be carried. I’m talking about the cathartic pain of not being able to save them from themselves. The pain of watching them make mistakes and there is nothing that can be done to stop them. My daughter is a train ready to derail and completely cause catastrophic damage from which nothing can be brought back. I know that sounds dramatic but I’m literally watching a train wreck in the process.
She’s been through a lot (that’s her own doing which she needs to own) and it started with the pregnancy. Yes, I was furious that this happened but I also knew her capabilities and his. I also knew that the man that she chose wasn’t really a man but rather a ball of unknowing. Then I learned that her fiance had found a job and that they were moving closer to where the job is located all after suffering a miscarriage. I’m not talking a week or day…it was mere hours. I was upset that she didn’t have time to grieve. Then we learned that she found her biological father and that they were headed that way. The ‘job’ that she lied to me about was basically her fiance working in a garage while they lived with her 1/2 sibling. Yes, it was a huge betrayal. Her biological father didn’t want ANYTHING to do with her for YEARS. He even signed his rights over to my ex-husband so he didn’t have to pay $24 a week in child support. Needless to say, I was crushed and told her only to contact during an emergency.
The last couple of weeks I noticed that her social media didn’t include loving pictures of the happy couple with her new found family. I also saw posts about being alone and sorrowful words. What do I do? I message her and ask if she’s OK. This was my mistake as he blew up. I told her OK, you know how to get a hold of me when you’re ready. Then yesterday I got a message from her apologizing. She apologized for how she talked to me and how she let her now EX fiance speak to me. I got the usual, ‘you were right, mom but I have a plan’ speech. I learned that she and her now EX drove back home together and went separate ways. Instead of going to her dad’s (my ex not her bio dad) she lived out of her car until one of her friends said she could move in. Then her car was stolen which is where she kept ALL her important documents. This happened over the course of 3 days! This is a lot but then it hit me…she’s going to be like my sister. Hopping from place to place with ridiculous ideas and quick fixes.
Her new plan is to go to Colorado where they have classes to teach her coping skills. I get it, she’s been through a lot. She wants to feel like herself again. There is no one in Colorado to be her security net when it’s needed. I offered (I didn’t push) for her to come home and we could help her. She declined and I’m OK with that. What I’m not OK with is I know how this is going to turn out. It’s painful to let her make these mistakes and in this day in age, it can be fatal. All I can do is keep an open line of communication and let her make her mistakes. She’s an adult. A young ill-equipt adult but one nonetheless.
When did you have the ‘aha’ moment with your kids? The moment that you realized you have to let them make their own trainwrecks?
Happy Wednesday everyone.