Meaningful Music

Today was an off day. It started with my walk and even though the weather said that it was going to be another clear hot day, the sky suggested something completely different. Combine a dark sky, hurried pace, and a couple of soundtracks inspiration was found.

A sample from my playlist:

I am a HUGE fan of Hozier and almost ALL of his songs. I am unhappy in my body and didn’t want to get back to my 400lb self and decided that I was no longer feeling like me. I worked and went through so much to get to where I was and I found myself slipping back. Being labeled as having C-PTSD, Pagan, overweight, and in some circumstances as standoffish sometimes music is the only salvation to set things right.

Inspired Writing from Walk:

I’m not the only lover that hasn’t paid her debt. I thought I had escaped my past but soon found out there is a debt to be owed but not at my hand, but my mothers. My life changed and I was the payment of her debt.

It was an unusually windy week, even for Chicago. The commute to work was almost impossible. There were times when a gust would almost knock me over. Thursday morning and I was already running late and needed to pick up a treat to share with the office. The sky has been dark with rolling clouds since Monday, but today I noticed that they looked like a spider following me. I now know that it was following its prey.

I managed to make it into the bakery without the door flying into the wall and purchased the last 2 dozen cookies. I don’t know why it’s customary to treat on one’s birthday but you would think it would be the other way around. I paid the baker and bid him farewell in which he replied, ‘Happy Birthday Aspen.’ Here I was turning 25 and hated hearing those words. Walking out of the bakery I noticed that the same spider clouds were almost waiting for me. I didn’t think much of it and arrived at the office just in the nick of time. My hair may have looked like I was stuck in a wind tunnel but by George I made it.

The day was the usual mundane office chores and everyone enjoyed the break for cookies. During lunch I checked the weather the whatever this storm was is still going to be hanging around. According to the meterologist, the system seemed to cyclone over us and predicted to stay for another week. This kind of put a damper on my plans because I was supposed to go on a hot air balloon ride with Justin. Even though we were the couple that broke up and got back together the next day we still enjoyed each others’ company during our broke up periods, this being one of them. I finished my day and headed home only to find the same spider cloud following me. This worried me a little and thought it would be best if I took a cab until the storm passed.

The next morning I hailed my cab and right in front of me it was struck by lightning just as my hand was reaching for the handle. I looked up and found the same dark ominous could over my head. I decided that I would take a sick day and hang around in the apartment. The day was relaxing and great up until I had to go out for lunch. The wind was more powerful than it ever was. I was steered into a park and into a tree. I was alone and frightened. I sat down at the base waiting for the force to pass but then the whispering started.

‘Every lover has a debt to be paid. You, my dear, are the price of your mother’s debt.’ Someone said.
I panicked. ‘What the hell? Who the hell?’
‘You are my daughter and your life on Earth has come to its end. You have duties to fulfill as Nuada’s child.’
I remember my dad fighting with my mom and saying that I wasn’t his daughter but I was young and the argument was dismissed. My father loved me until the day he died which oddly was a year ago today.
‘If I’m your daughter, prove it. I won’t fight but I need proof that I’m not a hallucinating nut job that needs to be admitted to the hospital for observations.’
‘Aspen, daughter of Willow, let me show you.’ the voice said. And with that, a scene of my mother with another man unfolded in the sky. Didn’t prove anything until I see her sign a contract stating that when the time comes that I am to live with my real father and begin my true duties. I found that contract when I was younger in the attic. My mother yelled at me for playing with it and think was relieved that I didn’t understand the writing.

I wake up in a dark place. It’s quiet and still but underneath me, I noticed the floor is the sky that has a raging storm brewing under my feet. ‘Am I dead?’ I said to the darkness. A gentleman walks up to me with his hand outreached.
‘Aspen, I’m your father, Nuada. Come. You have much to learn my child.’
I didn’t know where I was or who he really was but I felt safe. And the only thing I could do was trust him.

 

Jo/© thecreativeptsdgal.wordpress.com

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