May 24th, 2018

Journal confession time. I have been harboring a lot of guilt about a goal that I set and actually went the opposite direction. I wanted to lose at least 20lbs at the same time I quit smoking. I haven’t had a cigarette since January 12th but need to lose a LOT more weight. I’ve tried keto (didn’t satisfy) tried smaller portions (already do because of the gastric bypass) and a lot of other gimmick stuff. I realized that I’m happy with my ability to find time to paint and write but need to focus on my weight.

I took a walk this morning before work and writing and felt really bad about how I looked while doing it. How can I exercise when I feel anxious about people watching me and possibly secretly judging me. That’s the anxiety working in me and shaking hands with the depressive state that I fall in with. I could’ve easily gone home but reminded myself that it was still dark out and people are heading to work and are probably late. I walked fasted just to get home before the sun came all the way up. My daughter turned 16 today and I thought if I keep going the way I’m going I’m not going to be healthy enough to enjoy my kids anymore like I was before. So, part of getting healthy this year was to quit smoking and I think I nailed it. Now, it’s time to control and manage my eating and weight. This entails me going to the store after work, purchasing a weight scale, and possible leggings to walk-in.

I researched many options and due to my family’s strict budget I made the first step and signed up for Weight Watcher’s Freestyle program. Fingers crossed I’m able to figure out meals with what I have and will get what I need (portion size for one because my family eats regular foods without a care in the world) on my next grocery shopping trip. Speaking of grocery shopping with my C-PTSD and anxiety I learned that I can shop through Wal-Marts grocery app which will also help me from going through the aisles and shopping with, ‘Oh that would taste awesome’ mentality.

After joining (still needing to feel out a few profile fields), I saw where I can track what I eat. Banana, coffee with chocolate caramel creamer, a babybel cheese, salad with greek dressing and croutons all added up-QUICKLY. It was clear about my food choices and guilt turned to shame. I synched my Fitbit app to my Weight Watcher’s app, opted for water instead of V8 and only had 1/2 cup of spicy ranch popcorn. I will research tonight more recipes and things that I can change and do differently.

I feel better fessing up to my guilt and shame and I guess I’ll take my readers along with me. I’m still going to write, paint, and doodle just now I’ll do it hungry. Kidding, not hungry but mindful of what I put in my body.

11 thoughts on “May 24th, 2018

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    1. Thank you, don’t get me wrong there are times that I would KILL for a cigarette, especially when a co-worker is tap dancing on my nerves but I’m learning to deal with it. Although, a lot of people think I’m a bitch from time to time. I’m ok with that too as long as I don’t light a cigarette.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. You’ve got this! I’m here to encourage you so please post your journey. I have recently lost about 50 lbs, but I still have another 30 to go and I’ve hit a plateau where I’m finding it hard to be motivated. So we can walk this journey together. Little changes made consistently can make a big difference. And the quitting smoking is HUGE! So be proud of yourself for that!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I will be posting both the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know it’s going to be difficult and things will defintely get real but I’m worth it. WOW! 50lbs! Congratulations! It would be awesome to go through this together. 🙂 I realized this morning that I had to change the way I drink my coffee 😦 I’m going to search for more satisfying creamers or options other than the fat-free Italian Sweet Cream…it’s just not doing it for me.

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