February 16th, 2018

2/14

I kept myself from posting on Valentine’s and even the day after. Much disappointment overwhelmed me and I ended up in an early to bed puddle of tears and snot. No writing, no drawing, no painting, no date, no card, and I even cooked dinner to boot. Yup, my husband dropped the ball BIG TIME. We are on an extremely tight budget but there are wonderful things that can be done and made to make your significant other feel loved and special. I hand painted a card for him with watercolor (a new medium I’m really trying to hone and perfect) and was super proud of the poem that I even wrote inside. I could see his face drop as he didn’t have anything for me. I tried not to make him feel worse than he already did. He’s a man and he thinks that romance is only in movies. So yeah, I ended up with the covers over my head overthinking and sinking into the arms of depression. I just let it happen because you can only fake being strong for so long until something breaks the facade.

During the day I had to turn off my phone and didn’t turn on the TV after hearing about the shooting in Florida. My heart is breaking for the friends and loved ones of the victims. How many more mass and school shootings are going to occur before something is done? Yes, I know of the political and bureaucratic BULLSHIT that is blocking a lot of the answers but what can we do? I can keep my children home and deny them the experience of socialization. I would gladly do that if I could make money from my art and writing. But not fair to them.

2/15

So, the day after he sent flowers and a bear to where I work. I appreciated them, I did but it doesn’t make up for me feeling hurt or forgotten. It doesn’t help that morning while getting my son ready for school was him talking about his, ‘Code Red’ procedures. It made him feel better to say it out loud. His little reminder that he really knew what to do in case something happened. All I could see was a piece of his childhood, his innocence fading from my sweet little 8-year-old. I hugged him tighter than usual and told him that he will have a safe and fun day. I also reminded him when he got home that he was going to help me cook dinner. It made both of us feel that the day will go on without anything tragic happening. How do I keep the monsters at bay so he can grow up to love? While at work I wrote my first short story that was 1000 words. I decided how else am I going to get out of my writer’s shell? Left work, got gas, picked up kids, went to get dog food, got home, cooked dinner with my son, got my new phone, nightcap with the husband after and bed.

Today

Today while we are slow here at work I’m making Origami Hawaiin shirts to go on our door for everyone to take on the companies Hawaiin Day. I thought it will bring a smile to people and even though it’s small and trivial it’s something that is created and given by me for a second of tiny fun for them. I have also decided to make them more festive I’m going to purchase cheap scrapbooking paper with bright flowers and colors for the shirts and work on them over the weekend. Tonight if everything goes to plan I will be attending my very first local film festival.

Things that I have learned about myself this week:

  • Writing 1000 words is difficult but rewarding
  • It’s ok to comment on other people’s blogs
  • It’s ok to follow other people’s blogs even though it has nothing to do with my writing content (I enjoy learning new things from other people including perspectives)
  • Need to find my writing style
  • Quitting smoking was a great idea but HARD to stick too
  • It’s ok to be critical of myself and work but not so much that I don’t complete a project
  • I really enjoy doing and giving
  • Its ok to let my son be a kid and tell him that it’s ok in this world

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