February 13th, 2018

Caved, I Did

So I have set a goal to finish a list of books this year (here’s the list) and wasn’t going to finish a series until I read the first book of each one and other books on the list. I also didn’t want to use a Kindle or audiobook. Confession-I fucking caved! I had just finished ‘Cinder’ and was going to start ‘Jane Eyre’. I usually read at night when a flashback hits. But I learned something about myself that I didn’t think was possible. In my head, I read to relax but it’s hard for me to relax into a book when I’m on edge trying to come down from a night terror state, constantly looking out the window and checking door locks.

I was able to re-read the first chapter 3 times before I even began to understand some basic characters. Instead of giving up on my goal of getting through the list and quitting (which is something that is easy for me to do…you know the whole fight or flight thing. I’m a frequent flyer when needed) I found an audiobook app that doesn’t cost anything (YAY keeping on budget) and I am in LOVE with this book now.

Having the capability to put my earbuds in and listening to soothing voices of characters all drowning out stress from my surroundings was a comfort. I’m on chapter 10 already and can’t wait for the next.

So yes, I caved but why am I so hard on myself? I had set a goal and it doesn’t matter how I get there just as long as I do…safely and with me intact. Goals are supposed to be rewarding and challenging, and when completed satisfying to better one’s self. I’m here saying it was OK for me to cave and get the audiobook. It’s ok…it’s ok…it’s ok. ‘You didn’t fail, you found a solution!

Instead of painting tonight, I updated my reading journal and feel super relaxed after doing a heinous sketch (I can say that because I need more practice).

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