I use to be braver than this and I can’t seem to get out of this place of dark bottomless nothing. I’m not scared to be here (been here many times). I’m more angry with myself for allowing my coworker to make me feel like this. I called in yesterday blaming my headache when actually I couldn’t face him. I’m afraid I’m going to snap, to flip out, to choose the fight instead of flight if he would say anything emotionally abusive. I think I’m going to talk to my managing supervisor on Monday. I’m on my second cup of coffee, my son watching cartoons, and I’m writing and making plans for today.
But yesterday my husband suggested that I go and purchase the books I needed for my reading list. I don’t think he realized how many are on the list. He said to buy 10, I think I bought 5 and combined with the discounts and my loyalty card I was happy. No really, I was happy. I found myself smiling for once in a few days and not thinking about how Bob treated me at work. The day I came home when only working 1/2 day I didn’t want him to win. I refused to lay in bed and cry and have thoughts of everyone being better off without me in their lives. I started my reading journal AND reading my first book from my list! It’s the little accomplishments that are getting me through my CPTSD thoughts.
I look forward to getting up, writing my 6-word story, checking and updating my reading log, and having plans. Today, I will ask my husband to set up a writing area in the dining room. I know that sounds weird but if you saw the layout of my house, you would understand. I started reading Cinder by Marissa Meyer. I just learned that it is a part of a series and I haven’t put those books on my list. I will add this little bit to my notes section of my reading journal. I think what will need to happen since I have quite a few series I will read the first books and if I enjoy the 1st book of the series I will go back and read the rest after my main book selection. I also stopped at Hobby Lobby and got a few things that I might need to get me through this projected frozen weather.
I have NO problem admitting I have no clue on how to build up my reading journal. I did some research and looked up DIYs, images, and even subscribed to journaling blogs to help. I am SO proud of what I have put together so far! It’s the motivation I need to keep to my reading goal (and the likes and follows that I get helps me stick to my 6-word story a day writing goals). I think I’m also going to try and put an art journal together. Something I can make an effort to doodle in every day. I have a lot of stuff planned and trying to not let my mind run me. Here goes nothing.
Have you thought about what gets you through those debilitating moments? Any suggestions or advice?