No Words Other than F&*%

I’m absolutely at a lost for words. My adventure of having my dog, Clover trained as my much needed service dog has come to a complete F*&%ING HALT! I’m at a lost for words and my hyperventilation in a brown paper bag isn’t much help either.

She completed the first step of obedience 1 class when she became pregnant and had to take a break from Petco’s AKC Good Citizen test training. Her passing this class was the last step before her service dog training. I found a trainer (at the time) that was willing to work out payments with me and EVERYTHING has fallen apart!

I tried setting up a time for Clover to come back for her CGC training but was informed to much time has gone by and I would not only have to pay for her Obedience 1 again but wait for the next class…never mind that I have already paid for her CGC training. Frustrated but still had my wits about me I called the certified individual that will no longer take payments and doesn’t have the room for Clover in upcoming classes! This is when I threw my phone across the house broke down and started crying uncontrollably like a child that has been denied their blanket. Only…it’s not because I’m spoiled. It’s because my sense of being protected at all times and comfort has been ripped away.

So myself and my husband started calling around and not only are people not willing to workout payment plans, some only do service dogs for veterans and won’t consider my CPTSD as a legitimately valid diagnoses or issue to train my dog, one even asked for proof! Proof?! I have it on a medical document that I have it but it’s PRIVATE! They want to see a private medical document?! MY OWN HUSBAND doesn’t know every detail of what happened to me let alone my doctors! I’m still trying to trust my therapist! WTF! WTF! At this point I had torn up my kitchen looking for a small brown paper bag to breathe into and curled up on the floor making the bag pulsate with every heave of my chest. Clover climbed in my lap and pressed against me with her head on my shoulder. I started to calm into soft tears.

I don’t know what to do. Money is SO tight, trainers aren’t willing to help in any way, and unless I’m a veteran there is no hope. I feel so deflated and drained and again made to feel like I’m wrong about what’s wrong with me! How is this possible? My husband suggested a ‘GoFundMe’ campaign…are you kidding?! Those rarely work. What would mine say? ‘Please help this crazy emotionally unstable woman that endured over 10 years of rape, mental and physical abuse by her ex husband that is in the Air Force, have her Pitbull trained to be her service dog?! NO ONE and I MEAN NO ONE would jump on that band wagon.

Thoughts of self-harm and suicide have been drifting in and out of my head off and on. I haven’t acted on them but they are there. I don’t know what to do,who to ask for advice, where to go…I have no f*&%ing idea. Just at a loss!

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