December 26, 2017

Christmas Stress Passing

I can’t wait to get back into therapy. The Christmas holiday was brutal to say the least. Trying to keep it together so I can make happy memories for my children was torturous at best.

I worked the eve of Christmas Eve and didn’t get home until 2 am and once I was able to turn off my brain it was about 3 am. And by turn off my brain doesn’t mean that I was watching TV or on my phone. I was staring off into space as panic was radiating through my body. At 4 am Christmas eve my son decided to wake me from a deep sleep not by making noise or asking questions. No, I woke up because I had the feeling that someone was watching me and sure enough it was him. Instant flashback to worse times in my life. The little guy didn’t know what he was doing and luckily I took a second before reacting.

I got up with him, exhausted, and continued to explain to him OVER and OVER, ‘No, it’s not time to open your one present. NO, we are not opening all the gifts today.’ I began to sound like a broken record.

Everyone is up and hungry by 8. Of course my husband didn’t know what to do..in fact he wasn’t any help at all but I never really speak up for myself or ask for help. My anxiety doesn’t allow it most of the time. So, I deal with everything only causing more stress on myself and our marriage. We weren’t going to go out for breakfast so I started making the snacks for the entire day. Finished wrapping presents, continued arguing with my son, and trying to keep the peace between my teen daughters. One gift per child was open in the evening, board games were played, and their bellies full. I so wanted to go to bed and hide until after new year but there was no chance of that. After the kids went to bed, stocking were filled and fudge made and placed for Santa then bed.

Doing ALL of this was not easy. Not when depression wants a 1/2 my time and anxiety wants the other 1/2. Then sprinkle in the habits from a previous abusive relationship to prohibit pain that won’t ever come (married to a different man) and a mind running faster than the speed of light all equaled to 3 breakdowns, one tearful shower, and snarking at the husband.

Christmas Day

The night before I managed to remember to put the breakfast casserole in the crock-pot at 11 pm so there was food for my family to eat after presents. Presents were open and there was only one meltdown from my son not getting EVERYTHING he asked for. **Note to self–there will be no Santa next year, only the spirit of the season.**

House cleaned then the cable company came because our WI-FI modem has been going in and out then finally took a dive on us, so that was replaced. Then it was off to my mother’s house to have the most cringing conversations. My anxiety was hidden behind this perfect fake smile and set of constant expressions that I use to make people think that I am not suffering inside and completely OK and listening to every word they are saying. Then it was home, cleaning then playing more games and off to bed. My mattress could have swallowed me whole and there would be no fight from me.

Day After

Happy to be at work. The other lady that works in the art room with me has take a week of vacation to I’m enjoying the peace and quiet. I’m able to do her job and mine. Maybe catch up on some much needed posts.

 

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