Forced Hiatus (a prefix to my holiday weekend)
My husband recommended that I take a break from everything that I had going on since Thursday, May 25th, and he couldn’t have been more correct. I wanted to write but my body and mind were to exhausted to do anything. I wasn’t even eating.
Here Comes the Sun
Yes, bad weather has hit my homestead. A storm of the unknowing after my husband has lost his job. 2 Birthdays in one week, 5 mouths to feed and clothe, and a rental house that we can now barely afford to live in. Thursday, with all the running around that I had to do after seeing my therapist, then rushing home to cook my husband a requested birthday dinner because I did not have any extra money for gifts, then off to my youngest daughter’s choir concert because I wasn’t going to let her down during her first EVER duet. Scratch that. I wasn’t going to let my scattered ideas and painful feeling cause me to miss that.
I found myself sitting alone, with the gamete of emotions running through my body just staring at my phone not really doing anything in particular. The lights were turned down and the choir teacher was making his announcements about what a great job the kids have done and all the achievements they have made. The usual. Then the kiddos starting singing. I clapped and smiled as my daughter looked at me and smiled. THEN the choir teacher told the story behind the next song they were going to sing and then they started to belt out, ‘Here Comes the Sun’. I NEEDED to hear this. I needed this song in that moment of feeling like I’m not strong enough, or good enough for my family and that I would ultimately fail.
After she made it through her duet in one piece and the concert was over, I went home in a different mood with the song playing over and over in my head. I was able to make what the Apple Pie for my husbands birthday party along with the filling for the cake. I was to tired to bake the cake and decided to do that Friday before work.
Operation ‘Bake Cake’ FAILED! It didn’t happen because my husband forgot his ID and was 30 minutes away and I had to dash away so he would have it for his drug test. He was hired at a new job, 3 weeks until he has an income coming in! This takes a little stress away but we are still extremely tight on money. I run on bar time and didn’t get to make the cake. When am I going to learn that I can’t do everything!? I got to work with the apple pie in hand and his party for me was a huge disappointment. I failed (or so I felt) yet again. Not even half the people showed up. He reassured me that his ‘true’ friends were there and he had a BLAST. I felt a little better but not much.
Saturday-Thank God for Slow Nights!
My husband desperately needed food to help his hangover and decided to take everyone to brunch. We had fun telling stories, critiqing food, and what not when out of no where I could barely keep my eyes open. Everyone finished there meals and my husband took us home. Since I didn’t get home until 3:30 AM, my body immediately wanted to sleep after getting decent food. I slept until I had to leave for work, 6 hours straight and was still tired when I got to work. I was met with, ‘Where is you hooch!?’ and I answered with a puzzled look. Apparently the bar LOVED the apple pie so I had to send my husband on a hero’s errand to purchase anything I needed to make more. We were so dead at 12:30 AM I was able to shut the bar down and get a little sleep.
Sunday Holiday – WTF MOMENT!
I arrived at work at 9:30 AM to get the bar ready for mass consumption customers for the holiday and opened promptly 30 minutes later. I had my usual customers stream in for the after church Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers then I was slammed at 4 PM. We usually close the bar at 6 PM on Sundays but with it being the holiday weekend I knew I would be open later but also thought that the bar manager would’ve ran 2 shifts so I could be relieved at 7 PM. BOY WAS I WRONG! WTF was my manager thinking!? I ended up working 16.5 hours and my nephew kept bringing me coffee shots and coffee. I had to break up a bar fight because I was to tired to see the situation unfold and intervene before it escalated. I lost my patience and kicked everyone out.
Monday – What Family Time?
I was too tired to binge a new series with the kids like we had planned and could barely keep my eyes open for the cookout that we were invited to partake in. We made it and I tried to be pleasant but due the exhaustion my depression was wrecking havoc. I put on a smile and all my boys seen what was happening and took great care of me and didn’t fight me when I started to say my Goodbyes. I got home and slept until it was time to go to work. I tried to stay up and write by my husband said absolutely not and lectured me about how I’m going to land myself a nice vacation in the hospital. Hence, the hiatus that I took. I feel a little better and can actually eat.