May 15th, 2017

Quick Week With Even Quicker Life Lessons

Last week really put my multitasking parenting skills to the test. All I wanted to do was write but in my life my family always comes first (and I wouldn’t have it any other way). Monday consisted of a sick little guy and a call into work. As a mom it makes one feel so helpless when the pain can’t be taken away by two hands. Having to be forced to watch and only try to make my boy comfortable was as horrible as it sounds. I decided to make it a mommy and son day including his favorite lunch of grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup. Then it was an evening concert for my oldest daughter’s choir. My husband took over making our son comfortable so I can attend a spring event that she has been practicing for months preparing her solo. She did great and looked awesome in a dress that she picked out without fighting her aunt and I.

The sadness slapped everyone in the face as we got home. Eating the take out leftovers from earlier my youngest daughter spit her food across the table, started crying, and making urgent phone calls. I asked her what was wrong. In the smallest almost non-audible whimper, ‘John killed himself.’ I changed his name as this grieving family is already receiving enough attention (negative and positive) throughout our Podunk, full of rednecks, town. My daughter would stick up for him as he came out as gay and even was asked to a dance before his death by another boy. The bullying both in person and through social media commenced. He decided on a permanent solution that I felt could have been a temporary situation if the school and parents had stepped in to discipline the bully children. My daughter was beside herself. She said that he would always reach out when his life was rough and she always had sound advice to give. She soon realized there will be no more late night calls, no more Snap Chats, no more Facebook meme wars, no more lunches together or walks to the park. No more him. My heart broke for her, I couldn’t take away the pain or help her find clarity in her mist of confusion. After many conversations throughout the week, she decided that she will NOT attend the memorial. She did not want to have a memory of him laying in a casket. She wanted to keep the memories of him laughing, helping others, playing outside, and dancing with the boy that asked him to the dance and the huge smile he had on his face under the sparkly Christmas lights in the gym. I’m proud of her for her decision and even more proud that she doesn’t have regrets.

Tuesday, another concert attend but this time for my grieving youngest daughter. It was a sorrowful band sitting in their chairs behind black stands as one of their own will no longer play. I’m proud of all of them for going on with brave faces. Wednesday, more conversations with my daughter and another box of tissues. A dinner date with a friend that I really didn’t want to go but already agreed without thinking that I do not have an easy out. I have friends but choose not to hangout with them. Doing this promises less anxiety and less awkward conversations that I would later play over and over in my head because I usually feel like I said or did something wrong and negative thoughts set in. Thursday was another dinner but this time with my pseudo daughter. She had to rush back from Florida due to the fact that no one would rent to her with having a pit bull. I hate bullshit stereotyping. I own two pits that are absolute babies. Before dinner with her I did have to run around shopping for items for the bar’s Mother’s Day raffle basket and drop that off at the bar to rush back JUST in time to meet her in my driveway. We ALL actually laughed and had a good time. My daughter said that she felt bad afterwards for being happy and I had to explain to her that it was OK to laugh, smile, eat, talk, and be happy. Friday, it was me going to both jobs and a call from my husband letting me know that he received a 3 day suspension. I didn’t freak out! I know! I think the medication is helping a great deal. Before my prescriptions I would have lost my shit and took out my stress and worries on him. That doesn’t help anyone. Saturday, errands, bike ride, and work. Sunday, Mother’s day. Breakfast (not on bed because I woke up early. I have no idea why) from the hands of my husband and no smoke alarms, Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (let’s just say the price of movies, popcorn, and soda, is HIGHWAY FREAKING ROBBERY!and catching up on some much needed rest.

And now we are at Monday. Same old same old at my day job although I did enjoy the two older women that have been trying to get me fired admit that they were wrong to the supervisors and myself. Petty, you bet. Two years of this has made me hate waking up every morning and going to work. Two years of beating myself up. Two years of believing that I was not as good as I thought I was. These two women are friends so their opinion of me was just fuel for both of them to keep being the office bullies (yes, adults have them too).

I’m hoping for a less eventful week. I hope my daughter’s pain is less each day. I hope the family of the young boy will make peace with what is happening now and has happened. They are in my thoughts. Now I wonder do I stay home with my children and enroll them in an online school? I can’t shelter them from everything all the time. It hurts seeing them hurt and trying to find the words that will help with their grief. I was able to put into words some advice as suicidal thoughts have crept in my mind but the thought of my children helped me pull through.

If anyone you know or you yourself feel that there is no other but suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 of visit the website. There is help, and the most courageous act you can do is seek it out.

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